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Emotional affair and love sickness

 
 
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2022 01:46 am
I’ve been married for over five years, together for ten years. My husband is an amazing person whom I love dearly. He is good to me and has been supportive with my mental and physical health struggles. We’re both working but he has the higher paying, secure work.

Honestly I can’t really fault him, but in recent years I have admittedly felt like my emotional needs aren’t being met. I’ve always struggled to voice my feelings, but I find it hard to do without getting emotional. He can easily get defensive, but I’ve gotten better at choosing my words. Ultimately though, my needs are still not feeling fulfilled and it’s like he forgets to try after a while. It’s gotten to a point where sexual intimacy has severely dropped (more so on my part). Early in our relationship we’d have sex once or twice a week, and now we’d be lucky to have it once a month.

I’ve become increasingly frustrated, but I really struggle to open up and voice my feelings because it has been so difficult to do so in the past. It also just feels hopeless.

I respect his autonomy and the time he needs to spend on his own, but it does feel like a lot of his time is spent on video games, which often eats into time we could spend together. Quality time is my love language but it’s not his.

Here’s where it gets more complicated.

So a bit over a year ago I discovered an online language learning app where you could meet people around the world and encourage language learning in a more natural way. I initially wanted to talk with other females as I thought talking with a man might complicate things (should have listened to my gut), but whether it was a personality thing or lack of interest, I struggled to make any connections. I eventually connected with a guy whom I’ll refer to as language guy.

I didn’t expect for us to get along so well, with so much in common. We became good friends and slowly started messaging more and more. I was honest from the start that I was married, he didn’t say or try anything with me and was always completely respectful. While language and learning was the basis of the relationship, it was clear an attraction was developing and only in the last couple of days did we admit this to each other. He is so much more open about his feelings and is very sensitive to mine.

I told my husband about having an emotional attachment with this guy, and he was very cool about it. He doesn’t seem to feel betrayed by this and wants us to work harder on our marriage which I am prepared to do. He even said I don’t have to end contact, so long as I set boundaries.

Well I had a good call with language guy today and he is very understanding. He is happy to just be friends, and doesn’t want to end contact. Although he again said he’d understand if I did choose to end contact. The distance between us helps remove any physical temptation but I can’t stop thinking about this guy.

I’ve been feeling physically ill since yesterday, I’m convinced due to the stress and guilt I feel. It’s affected my appetite and I’m miserable.

Ending the marriage is not ideal as it will mean a lot of confrontation and hurting other relationships that are attached to ours. I guess that is part and parcel of a breakup but I’m not ready to do that.

Should I try be more open to my husband about how I really feel or should I wait and see if these feelings subside? Am I being selfish?
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  3  
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2022 07:55 am
@Lovesick Kiwi,
I sure would not risk my relationship over a voice on a wire. I would seek counseling to see if I could derive a cause for what it is I was really unsettled about - if it was my mate or myself.
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2022 08:18 am
@bobsal u1553115,
Agreed. This guy of course seems wonderful, but he is a fantasy. You don't know him in real day to day life so of course he will fit the ideal guy in your head ... This sort of relationship is not real as you don't get to see his bad side.

Personally I think you should break ties with this guy. You should focus on your mayor ridge first to see if it is salvageable and if if want to remain a couple. Couples counseling or personal counseling will help you both sort out your feelings. You maybe surprised thus could strengthen your marriage. But at least in the end you can work through your feelings and see what us best for both of you as a couple.

Then if it ends up that it is best to end the marriage, you can walk away guilt free ... Only then should you try a relationship even over the internet. It sounds like In your heart you know you are emotionally cheating on your husband.
bobsal u1553115
 
  2  
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2022 09:12 am
@Linkat,
0 Replies
 
Lovesick Kiwi
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Feb, 2022 06:18 pm
@bobsal u1553115,
Thank you. You are right, I think we should seriously consider marriage counselling, I think we need some external form of accountability as we are both not easily motivated people. I am also starting my own therapy soon so I just need to give it time and do some soul searching.
masatimbo
 
  -4  
Reply Mon 14 Feb, 2022 02:39 pm
@Lovesick Kiwi,
Do what you do - or don't. Language seerices?
bobsal u1553115
 
  0  
Reply Mon 14 Feb, 2022 03:00 pm
@masatimbo,
Or as in your case, spell check?
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Feb, 2022 03:03 pm
@bobsal u1553115,
They've been here five minutes and are leaving a list of platitudes o all the threads in a relationship forum or something like that.

I doubt there'll be anything in the way of conversation.
bobsal u1553115
 
  2  
Reply Mon 14 Feb, 2022 03:09 pm
@izzythepush,
You know me, I will avail myself of any opportunity for entertainment!
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Mon 14 Feb, 2022 03:23 pm
@masatimbo,
Now, why would you possibly think the OP wants (I speak Spammer; this is my translation) language services?
bobsal u1553115
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Feb, 2022 03:25 pm
@jespah,
You may be even more cynical than I. But you nailed it.
0 Replies
 
Below viewing threshold (view)
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Sat 19 Feb, 2022 06:45 am
@Mrknowspeople,
You must be a graduate.

There's no such word as seerices.

Do you know anyone who went to school who might help you?
Mrknowspeople
 
  -4  
Reply Mon 21 Feb, 2022 06:09 am
@izzythepush,
Platitudes like the duckbill...
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Mon 21 Feb, 2022 06:12 am
@Mrknowspeople,
Coherent language is really not your thing.
0 Replies
 
Mrknowspeople
 
  -3  
Reply Thu 24 Feb, 2022 04:28 pm
@izzythepush,
I have been searching google.com. Have you heard of that?
izzythepush
 
  3  
Reply Fri 25 Feb, 2022 02:57 am
@Mrknowspeople,
Three days of searching and that's the best you could come up with.

Next time just get fuckwit tattooed on your forehead, it will save you a lot of time.
0 Replies
 
Medusax
 
  1  
Reply Sat 12 Mar, 2022 10:36 am
@Lovesick Kiwi,
(I’ve been married for over five years, together for ten years. My husband is an amazing person whom I love dearly. He is good to me and has been supportive with my mental and physical health struggles. We’re both working but he has the higher paying, secure work.)


I'm sorry.....you are interested in someone else......why?????? Not many men like that....
Mrknowspeople
 
  -4  
Reply Mon 21 Mar, 2022 07:02 pm
@Lovesick Kiwi,
Are you still needing information?
The responding people on this board seem interested in grammar and punctuation more than the issue. All that syntax worship and halfway full glasses needing more.

Once a month sex is better than never, ever again. Still, lucky isn't how that should be. Have you expressed to him how many times in a week?

Why aren't you pursuing Language Guy more seriously? Why doesn't your spouse care about that man?
0 Replies
 
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