Emotional affair and love sickness

I’ve been married for over five years, together for ten years. My husband is an amazing person whom I love dearly. He is good to me and has been supportive with my mental and physical health struggles. We’re both working but he has the higher paying, secure work.

Honestly I can’t really fault him, but in recent years I have admittedly felt like my emotional needs aren’t being met. I’ve always struggled to voice my feelings, but I find it hard to do without getting emotional. He can easily get defensive, but I’ve gotten better at choosing my words. Ultimately though, my needs are still not feeling fulfilled and it’s like he forgets to try after a while. It’s gotten to a point where sexual intimacy has severely dropped (more so on my part). Early in our relationship we’d have sex once or twice a week, and now we’d be lucky to have it once a month.

I’ve become increasingly frustrated, but I really struggle to open up and voice my feelings because it has been so difficult to do so in the past. It also just feels hopeless.

I respect his autonomy and the time he needs to spend on his own, but it does feel like a lot of his time is spent on video games, which often eats into time we could spend together. Quality time is my love language but it’s not his.

Here’s where it gets more complicated.

So a bit over a year ago I discovered an online language learning app where you could meet people around the world and encourage language learning in a more natural way. I initially wanted to talk with other females as I thought talking with a man might complicate things (should have listened to my gut), but whether it was a personality thing or lack of interest, I struggled to make any connections. I eventually connected with a guy whom I’ll refer to as language guy.

I didn’t expect for us to get along so well, with so much in common. We became good friends and slowly started messaging more and more. I was honest from the start that I was married, he didn’t say or try anything with me and was always completely respectful. While language and learning was the basis of the relationship, it was clear an attraction was developing and only in the last couple of days did we admit this to each other. He is so much more open about his feelings and is very sensitive to mine.

I told my husband about having an emotional attachment with this guy, and he was very cool about it. He doesn’t seem to feel betrayed by this and wants us to work harder on our marriage which I am prepared to do. He even said I don’t have to end contact, so long as I set boundaries.

Well I had a good call with language guy today and he is very understanding. He is happy to just be friends, and doesn’t want to end contact. Although he again said he’d understand if I did choose to end contact. The distance between us helps remove any physical temptation but I can’t stop thinking about this guy.

I’ve been feeling physically ill since yesterday, I’m convinced due to the stress and guilt I feel. It’s affected my appetite and I’m miserable.

Ending the marriage is not ideal as it will mean a lot of confrontation and hurting other relationships that are attached to ours. I guess that is part and parcel of a breakup but I’m not ready to do that.

Should I try be more open to my husband about how I really feel or should I wait and see if these feelings subside? Am I being selfish?