Relatioships and personal troubles..Suppressed feelings, depression, divorce and affairs

Hello to everyone,

Its actually the first time i decide to ask for help, comfort and advice in a forum and i actually feel relieved already. Or kinda.

A bit of history

As a Christian and an older child I always had the role of the good and moral girl and I wasn’t pretending don’t get me wrong. I have never hurted anyone, lied or caused any kind of problems and that’s why I gained the title of the “good girl”. I am still the kind of person who always thinks of both sides no matter how hurt I am and I always live by the rule don’t do to anyone something that you wouldn’t want for you.
In my whole life I had to deal with many family drama and abuse and relationship problems and I always tried to be the mature and helpful one to deal with the situations. I had depressed needs, and always tamed my reactions and character to save the day. That led me to wrong decisions and choices so I end up spending 13 years with a man who “abused” me emotionally, never cared, never really wanted me and just settled with me because I was good enough for marriage and kids. Together we have a caring and loving little girl which is the best thing in my life.
4 years before I had my daughter all the pressure I put myself to through the years, started to have a cost on my body. Panic attacks that drive me mad, scaring me to death and taking a toll in my everyday life. These attacks continued two years after my daughter was born and that’s when I decided that enough is enough. I asked for help. I had depression and anxiety problems and started therapy and light medication.

My life now

Therapy and medication helped me so much and right now I can certainly say that I look like my old self again and more importantly I let all my emotions and my character develop without any hesitations. That’s when I realized that my marriage is absolutely terrible and a bad example for my child and that I had to do something about it. It was either going to be a settlement for life or divorce. So I approached my husband, with whom all love and excitement has disappeared since he was clearly cheating on me, and I asked him.. Do you want to have another child and grow our family and keep things as they are; His answer was no. So I asked him for a divorce and no matter how shocked he was and in denial he admitted that this was the best thing to do.
We have tried 3-4 times before the divorce to try for the best but there was nothing between us anymore. I know that he was cheating and I was ok with it because I didn’t feel anything for him.
I left him and started a life with my child. I kept things cool and friendly with him for the happiness of our child and it works out perfectly. He is a good father. I found myself, I was happy and confident and everyone was starting to notice. I felt and feel happy. I was alone, without a man or sexual relationship for about 5 years. No need of a man because of my priorities. I locked away every desire and focused on my child and on my new life.

Everything cool until now…

I got a new job and there I met a man different from the average men, a bit extreme in his looks and his opinions. I always thought he was interesting but I found out that he has a girlfriend so I didn’t took it further. He was moody and cold with me. Months passed by and he started getting friendlier. He started talking to me and shared some laughs. Then one day I received a viber message from him just being friendly. I responded and then that was it. We started texting and his approach was super smart and district. We went out after work a couple of times where we realized how similar we are, even though we have different perceptions in some subjects. On our third date the chemistry was in extreme levels. We were like magnets. I have never experienced something so apocalyptic like that. Every molecule in my body was in sync with him and his with me. Electrifying. We felt and acted like teenagers and we were both so alive. Giggling, staring at each other, losing our words..
He is a beautiful and loving person, sensitive, honest, generous but self destructive and insecure. That’s why even though he has a 13 year relationship he is cheating. He admitted that I am not the first, I am actually number 4 but our relationship is different. Its not just about sex. There are intense feelings. He is not willing to separate his girlfriend, he is settled and he loves her. I would never ask him to break up because even if he did, I would be extremely insecure about cheating on me.
He is the only man that makes me feel wanted, appreciated and he worships everything about me physically and mentally. We are infatuated with the game between us. We are a secret, we are in the same work place texting dirty little messages playing cool. Time flies away when we are together and we enjoy every minute together.
I feel alive and it’s the first time I am so completely and utterly myself with a man not only in bed, which makes sex intense and addictive, but in everyday life also. I am 37 and I have never experienced anything like that.
On the other hand all my moral and ethics are gone. I feel I am a teenage rebel, living without limitations doing whatever comes to mind without prohibitions. I am a sinner and I hurting not only myself but the other woman too. The most terrifying thing though is that I don’t care so much. I feel alive for the first time and I enjoy every minute of it.
But..everytime I am with him I am so happy..so peaceful.. and but whenever he leaves from me to go to his home..whenever I go home..i go home crying..feeling sad and depressed. Having mixed emotions that I cant handle. When he messages me, he lights my world again and after a while I feel depressed again. It’s a burden. He calls me, he texts me, he is there for me but I feel depressed. I want to be with him to have my dose. To live in out perfect bubble. When I leave though..i am sad.
I know that I am not moral. I know that I have to end this but I cant. I know this is something for a little while and that I am downgrading myself.
What I am seeking here is perspective. Opinions. Experiences. To know that I am not the only one to hear an advice. Thank you everyone for reading this.
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