Fri 27 Dec, 2019 06:18 pm
So I’ve started officially dating this guy about a month ago. We had a long history, involving him cheating on his gf with me for a few months, which I eventually ended when I figured he would never leave her for me. I was in a world of hurt and pain, because I had wanted to be with him so bad, but we continued to talk every day as friends. Eventually, I started seeing someone new, and we only lasted for a month (just wasn’t meant to be, better as friends), and when we broke up the old guy and I began talking as more than friends again, as by then him and his gf had broken up. However I was talking to another cute boy as well, nothing I intended to pursue, just some getting to know eachother and some harmless flirting. I enjoyed the attention mostly, and my friends were jealous because they all thought he was super attractive, so it made me feel even better that out of everyone, he paid attention to me. Never had any actual feelings for him though. The first guy however asked me to finally be his gf, and I agreed. I was incredibly happy that after so long, I was finally able to have him. I was still talking to the other guy, but only with intent to be his friend now. However, it was my last weekend at university, and my ex, the attractive boy, and some other friends were all getting drunk off our asses. I drank to the point of total blackout, I remember about 5% of what went on that night. Apparently though, I flirted with him a bit (which is very bad, I know) which led to us sharing a quick peck on the lips. I then passed out in his bed, with everyone still in the dorm as well and they all fell asleep there too. The next morning I woke up still drunk (I had never drank that much and I severely went past my limits) and was not aware of my actions. It wasn’t till the next day that it actually hit me, and when that happened I cried and cried and called my mom, who told me not to say anything to my bf. I texted the boy I had kissed and told him I just wanted to be his friend, and I asked if he could keep what happened on the down low, and he happily agreed to both.
Here’s some facts I want to get out of the way:
-None of the people there knew I had a bf. It was a very new relationship, when the incident occurred we hadn’t even been together 2 weeks, and I hadn’t brought it up to those friends yet cause we aren’t super close and we just don’t talk about that sort of thing.
-I am moving an hour away, and I will likely never see the boy I kissed again.
-None of them know my bf. The most connection there is is that they went to high school with his brother’s girlfriend, but did not run in the same social circles by any means, and will more than likely never see eachother again or talk about it.
-I don’t think any of them even saw the kiss- it was very late, everyone was very drunk, and it was a mere peck that lasted a split second.
Now I don’t know what to do. I have felt horrible guilt since the incident happened, and I cannot believe I would do such an awful thing, especially when my boyfriend and I have been through so much to finally get together. I truly feel like the worst person, and I would give absolutely anything to go back and undo what happened, but I know I can’t. I am working to accept what I’ve done, and I’ve decided to stop drinking, as clearly I cannot handle it, and I never want to be put in that situation again. I am sure I will never do this again, as it’s something I would’ve never done sober, and I know that it meant nothing to me. My bf is amazing, he’s the perfect guy for me, and he’s the only one I want to be kissing. If I told him, it would be the end of our relationship, as I am sure he wouldn’t see it as I do— a drunken mistake. I feel very guilty for hiding this, but since I know it’ll never happen again, I don’t see a point in burdening him with this situation, especially since it is extremely unlikely he will ever hear of it.
All of that being said, I need to alleviate my guilt somehow. It’s eating me alive, and I can’t stop thinking about this. I am trying to start therapy but it’ll be another week or two before I can. I feel so guilty every time I see my bf now, and I want to be able to move past it so I can work on being the best girlfriend possible to him in the future. I need advice please!!
Forgive yourself. This was really nothing in the grand scheme of things.
Don't dwell on it.
I would, though, strongly suggest you get help for your drinking. Drinking to the point of a total blackout is a symptom of a deep-seated problem (I am not a doctor). Please get help. You are damned lucky no one at the party was a rapist or a thief.
a simple kiss is hardly qualified as cheating. are you sure you didn't do anything else in bed with your ex? if so I would remain quiet about incident as too minor given you will distance from ex shortly. admitting to new boyfriend can only have negative feelings and perhaps get you dumped for messing around with ex