Completely drained and unable to move forward

I don't know why I'm posting this. I don't expect to find any solutions. I think I want to just vent. I hope someone out there can relate. I hope someone has been where I am and is able to tell me it all gets better with time. That's what I was told and I'm barely able to hold on to that hope.

This is all started a few years ago. My wife and I had been together for nearly 10 years (at the time) when she broke news to me that she has been talking online to a guy that she wants to meet. She said she wants to separate and see other people. I was shocked. We spent days and nights arguing and begging and pleading. Finally, on valentine's day, 2018, I tried to line up romantic gestures and she agreed to give us another chance and not meet anyone. I was over the moon. I thought I could see the light of the end of the tunnel. But that light turned out to be a freight train that ran right over me a few days later when she went back and said she can't do it, she's done. Her birthday was just around the corner. I took the day off and we went out and told her all day, we will do anything she wants. We had lunch and then she said she's needs to go home because she's going on a date that night, on her birthday.

Things went downhill pretty quickly from there, with her going on dates and meeting other guys. I was still hopeful that we could fix things but I could not bear seeing strangers waiting outside to pick her up. I told her one of us has to move out and after a bunch of fighting, she got an apartment and moved out. Not much longer after that, I accepted the situation and thought this was it. It was time to move on. I told her we should probably look at divorce procedures and started trying to meet other girls and went on a few dates. After a few months and I had made peace with it and told her we need to sit down to do paperwork to file for divorce. I was finally ready. She wasn't.

She broke down and started pleading to come back. She had gone out and tried to find happiness and love out there but she couldn't find anything, she said. It was worse. Everything was worse and it was the worst decision she ever made. She wanted back. Every bone in my body wanted to say no. But a piece of me outside my body wanted said yes... we have a son together. All my life, I had firmly believed that if it were ever up to me, I would never break my family and let my kids grow up in a broken home. He was only 4. He had no idea what was going on. He would ask me sometimes so innocently "why doesn't mom sleep at home anymore?". I couldn't say no. I took her back.

We did counselling for a while at a couple of different places. I was told time heals. There will be a scar but the cut will heal. I trusted that and committed to trying to make this work. I told her we can try. She moved back in. She was a different person. It was honeymoon phase but one sided. She tried to do everything she possibly can to please me. I started to remember all the memories and softened. I was optimistic and I thought I could see myself healing. We kept working on our relationship and things seemed to be getting better. Unfortunately, that didn't last. It's not what you think. After a few months, I hit a brick wall. I simply could not go any further.

It has been 3 years now and I'm still stuck trying to bring that wall down, but I can't. Things are actually getting worse. When I was first trying to pick up the pieces, I would look at old pictures of us together and listen to some of "our songs" and it would give me hope. Maybe we can be at that place again. But now, these pictures make me angry. They make me think: Why did you throw all this away? How could you? The songs and the pictures bring nothing but anger so that stopped. I hate Valentine's day. It reminds me of Valentine's day before sh*t hit the fan when I gave it all thinking I could save it. I have to pretend that everything is ok, that I'm healing, which is almost more exhausting than the actual anger. I hate her birthday. I remember it like it was yesterday; sitting having lunch thinking I might have bough myself a day by taking it off and spending the day together only to find out she had a date that same day.

I'm stuck. I sometimes barely scratch the surface and let on a little of how I feel and she just sobs and apologizes for the 'pain she put me through'. Crocodile tears? I don't think they are but that's irrelevant at this point. I have no intention of leaving for the sake of my son. I have to pretend every day that we are moving forward or at the very least staying still in a good place. I feel completely drained. I want to love her again but I can't. I care about her a great deal but I have no romantic love for her. I have no idea how to get it back. I have no idea how to get rid of the anger. I want to love like this again. I miss how things where but there is no way to go back and I can't move forward. God knows I've tried. Am I condemned to feeling like this forever?