Fairy tale affiar comes to an end can we still be friends

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I'm 26 and this whole thing goes back to when I was in 10th grade and I saw the girl that I wanted to be with, but she was a social butterfly, knew who I was but showed no interest. We were both single then and knew eachother through the same people. My best friends sister was her friend, so we knew of eachother but either I was shy and/or she wasn't interested. I found out that she was getting married and I felt like even though I didn't know her very well I had no chance and was still a bit sad. I was 22 at the time. 3 years after she was married I started to see her at bars that I've been going to for a while and she would be with her girlfriends. We would say hi to eachother and maybe dance with all our friends. It started to become a regular thing and I was fine with it and had no feelings towards her YET. since I had no feelings one day out, I had a couple of drinks and told her that I liked her from day one, and she said that she liked me and has been thinking about me for some months now. I gave her my number and told her if she ever needed to talk to give me a call. We ended up going out together as friends and decided to have one day together as boyfriend and girlfriend that we felt we missed. It was like an all day date and felt good but we both knew it would have ended by the end of the day. I don't know what happened all I know is that it manifested into a weekly thing and lasted for about 2 years, until my consious and my body was so effected by this that I had to tell her we couldn't do it anymore no matter how much I loved her. she was sad, but said that she didn't want to lose me as a friend and wanted to talk to me the same way we've been talking. We talk everyday at work on e-mail about specifics in our lives. I'm talking about from a stomach cramp to what we ate that day. she always said that I was her best friend and knew more about her then anybody. Even her husband. Her husband doesn't show no interest in her and does what he wants with out caring what she thinks. It hurt allot to say I didn't want to do this anymore but I felt like my soul was clean by doing so and the pain was only something I deserved for doing what I had done, but I also just cut her as a friend and told her I will contact her when I'm ready. The pain is even worse after not hearing her say good morning to me everyday. Is it possible for me to be her friend? and if so, do I have to wait until my love for her is completely burned away?, or can I still have feelings but still know that nothing will come of it and I have to look else where. I don't want to feel like me being there for her will add something to her life that she needs and doesn't have from her husband.

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It doesn't sound to me like you can be "just friends" with her.

Also, she is already in a relationship and is married... don't be the person to break that up. if she has problems with her marriage let her work that out with her husband... do not get involved.

The pain in time will fade. Just hang in there.... Oh and welcome to A2K.

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I know in time the pain will fade, but for some crazy reason I don't even want it to, because I like the feeling I had and I think about what she's thinking and if she understands why I cut her off as a friend.

does me being just a good friend still effect her marriage?

Also she stated that If we never got involved but just got close as friends would I still be her friend. I told her probably still be your friend but still think of you as someone I want to be with and I believe she would do the same. Isn't that just as bad as acting on a feeling?

she said that the last thing that she ever wanted was for us to stop talking to eachother. I'm confused cause I don't know if I should just talk to her here and there just to stay in contact and for her to know that her friendship also means alot to me.

we mainly e-mailed eachother through out the day which I currently cut off. Is even just talking through e-mail about our day and our lives something that can interfere with her marraiage?

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If you like the way that the pain from a failed relationship feels you should try the way real love feels... I guarantee you that there is no comparison.

Yes, just being a good friend still affects their marriage. But only because you are incapable of only being a friend. Deep down you want to be with her and would always lean towards interference in their marriage. I don't mean to make you sound like a bad person, but I think you can not look at the situation objectively. If she comes to you with a problem with her husband, my guess is that you will 100 out of 100 times side with her. It may be a subconscience attempt to break them apart or it may be a conscience effort... either way you shouldn't be involved.

Instead on focusing on her, focus on yourself. Stop playing games and being a martyr for love. Go out and find someone who can reciprocate your feelings. It feels so much better.

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Move on dude...you can get a new piece. Trust me. Marrige isn't what it's cracked up to be. Women get fat and crabby the minuite you slip the ring on.

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Casanova wrote:

Move on dude...you can get a new piece. Trust me. Marrige isn't what it's cracked up to be. Women get fat and crabby the minuite you slip the ring on.

Well when they have a prize such as yourself to come home to, what other option is there?

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hey you don't know my wife and how much shes let herself go. she used to be sexy and now she does nothing but complain and eat and spend my money on some bulls*hit thing shse sees on tv,

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No I don't know your wife, cassy... but I feel sorry for her non-the-less.

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thanks
Thanks for all your support on this and I did stop talking to her, but she called yesterday and she was crying to me because I stopped being her friend I told her there's a problem if you need me like that and I have to move on with my life. I said that I can't be there for you like I was and that she should get counseling and try to feel the same way about her husband without me, but your all right I'm thinking about me right now and I do feel like im set free. pain will be there, but it's something that I'm going to have to get over. I just need to go out and get another girl now. I guess all in time.

your all right deep down inside I want to be with her, but I also want her to work out her problems with her marriage.

she now still e-mails me but I don't talk to her close to what i've been and I don't plan on seeing her any time soon

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Good to hear things are working out. Stay strong.

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Right on, Misc.
Stay strong.
I'm 26 too. I think you did the right thing for yourself.
Remember: try to do what's right for you, not for her.

cheers

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Miscusier321, please stay strong. One you are emotionally involved with her and she is emotionally involved with you. With this in mind, if her marriage is having some difficulty, she will use you as an understanding friend and then it becomes more. In my own life, my husband and I experienced difficulties. Mainly, I became severly sick and disabled for a couple of years and he could not handle the pressure and left. Since he left, he went on with his life and became emotionally involved with a woman, lives with her and has a child with her. What is sad is he said he did not want to be with a sick wife. I was in a car accident 2 weeks before our wedding, I received a very bad head injury which brought on Gran Mal Epilepsy. Not an easy situation. He has no desire to work our marriage, is in love with lust, we are still married, he sees his son maybe 8 hours a week on average. Concentrate on yourself, my situation is quite complicated, this woman did not help my marriage any. They both don't care. You deserve to have someone who will love you as you deserve to be loved. Continue to cut her off and over time you will see down the road, that you are much better off. Take this as a learning curve in your journey in life. These types of learning curves are the best one. I will pray that God continues to give you strength as you move on into a new path. Good luck.

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sorry guys, I feel diferently about this. This is the time she needs to talk to you most, so talk to her. You probably shouldnt have gotten in this relationship in the first place, but its too late for that, you cant just cut her loose and say: take care now, get some counseling, I'll find another girl.

i am not saying you shouldn't go on with your life, but I also think that you both made a mistake and you both have a certain responsibility to resolve this. She has to solve her marriage problems (counseling etc,) but you gotta help her get through these tough times, as much as you can.

Obviously I dont know your situation exactly, so may be you are right, but this is my opinion.

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I didn't cut her off totally. I saw her one day after I stopped talking to her, because she called and she was upset that we didn't talk in one day, so was I, so I met up with her and told her that I'm her friend but I have to stop thinking about her then anything more and that she can't be on my mind all the time cause I couldn't live like that and I told her that we shouldn't have to turn to eachother because it's not right. It's seems she still wants to hang out with me as a friend, but I know that it's not right and I'm not going to do it. She said that she does want me to move on and that even though it would hurt her she would want to meet the next girl that would be in my life. She told me that shes going to deal with her marriage and if it works it works if it doesn't then she'll leave, but I may or may not be there when that happens. This whole thing is hard and yes I did learn alot about myself and the different types of relationships that people have with eachother.

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et_cetera wrote:

sorry guys, I feel diferently about this. This is the time she needs to talk to you most, so talk to her. You probably shouldnt have gotten in this relationship in the first place, but its too late for that, you cant just cut her loose and say: take care now, get some counseling, I'll find another girl.

i am not saying you shouldn't go on with your life, but I also think that you both made a mistake and you both have a certain responsibility to resolve this. She has to solve her marriage problems (counseling etc,) but you gotta help her get through these tough times, as much as you can.

Obviously I dont know your situation exactly, so may be you are right, but this is my opinion.

I don't think this is good advice. She has him right where she wants him and everytime she has a problem she is going to run to him to cry on his shoulder because she knows he will be sympathetic. But the relationship will never be more than that. She strings him along and uses him for cheap counseling and the whole time he is wasting his life thinking he may have a chance. Get out while you can and let her solve her own problems.

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jpinMilwaukee wrote:

et_cetera wrote:
sorry guys, I feel diferently about this. This is the time she needs to talk to you most, so talk to her. You probably shouldnt have gotten in this relationship in the first place, but its too late for that, you cant just cut her loose and say: take care now, get some counseling, I'll find another girl.

i am not saying you shouldn't go on with your life, but I also think that you both made a mistake and you both have a certain responsibility to resolve this. She has to solve her marriage problems (counseling etc,) but you gotta help her get through these tough times, as much as you can.

Obviously I dont know your situation exactly, so may be you are right, but this is my opinion.

I don't think this is good advice. She has him right where she wants him and everytime she has a problem she is going to run to him to cry on his shoulder because she knows he will be sympathetic. But the relationship will never be more than that. She strings him along and uses him for cheap counseling and the whole time he is wasting his life thinking he may have a chance. Get out while you can and let her solve her own problems.

Well she doesn't cry to me about him or even speak about her relationship with him. Only if I ask is when she talks about it. She talks to me about different events in her life, but never includes him. almost as if she were single. Right now she thinks that I don't want to talk to her or be friends with her. If I don't talk to her, she gets mad and hurt by it. she said something early this week about how she was going to go to a place that she thought I was at, and she said that she didn't go because she thought I was there and that she wanted to see me, but figured I didn't want to see her. The truth is I would love to see her, it would make me happy and I think it would make her happy to, but I know that it has to be a bad Idea if it effects our mood. I mean friends make eachother happy but If I'm hurt without her in my life and she's hurt without me then when we see eachother and were happy then isn't that wrong?

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I still think she is using you as a fall back option if things don't work out with her husband. See her if you want to but realize that you'll be starting all over from square one again once you realize that she will never be more than friends.

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jpinMilwaukee wrote:

I still think she is using you as a fall back option if things don't work out with her husband. See her if you want to but realize that you'll be starting all over from square one again once you realize that she will never be more than friends.

Thanks for all your advise jpinmilwaukee u sound like you know what your talking about. I'm just confused about it. Today I didn't talk to her at all and I don't think she will talk to me unless I contact her cause that's kind of how we left off. She's trying to give me time, but she's scared that in that time I will stop talking to her for good. I'm not sure if I want to cut off all contact with her. What I don't understand is how can she stand to just be my friend. shouldn't she also want to not need me, so she cang get her marriage back on track. I don't think she wants it to get better, she's just settling for what it is, because she has this thought that that's the way it is when your married and see eachother everyday, so y leave. I don't think I ever want to get married if I have to look to another woman as my close friend.

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msc, jpin is giving some good advice. I assume he's a guy, and that helps too.
Cool

I'm a woman, and I want to make sure you realize that not all of us would make the choices your friend is making. Don't let this situation sour you on the possibilities for finding someone who could give you what you need.

I happen to agree with jpin. She is keeping you around for herself, and not being fair to you.
I know how hard it is to let go of someone you really care about.
I strongly suggest giving yourself some time away from her. Try a few months. Ask yourself if you Can be her friend without having other feelings for her. Ask yourself what she is contributing to the friendship: is she really the kind of friend you want?

cheers

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flushd wrote:

msc, jpin is giving some good advice. I assume he's a guy, and that helps too.

I'm a woman, and I want to make sure you realize that not all of us would make the choices your friend is making. Don't let this situation sour you on the possibilities for finding someone who could give you what you need.

I happen to agree with jpin. She is keeping you around for herself, and not being fair to you.
I know how hard it is to let go of someone you really care about.
I strongly suggest giving yourself some time away from her. Try a few months. Ask yourself if you Can be her friend without having other feelings for her. Ask yourself what she is contributing to the friendship: is she really the kind of friend you want?

cheers

I don't know how to answer. I guess she's the person that I tell everything to from a new toaster to going shopping for new underwear. so she contributes advise and talks to me about everyday things. the affair happened because besides the friendship we had an attraction and it was wrong, we both know that, but is even being close friends that tell eachother everything right? I wouldn't want my wife having a closer friendship to another man then me. I would feel like that is just as bad as an affair. Please tell me if i'm wrong?, but that's the way I feel about it. she says he doesn't care who she talks to. I mean he doesn't tell her where he is or when he's coming home half the time and says that he doesn't have to answer or explain himself to her. I don't know what kind of marriage that is but i guess that shouldn't be my problem. THANKS FOR EVERYONES INPUT I LIKE TO HEAR YOUR POINT OF VIEWS SOMETIMES IT'S THE OBVIOUS, BUT HEARING IT IN DIFFERENT WAYS MAKES IT EASIER AND MAKES ME FEEL LIKE IM DOING THE RIGHT THING.

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Fairy tale affiar comes to an end can we still be friends

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