I am seeing my mother in a new light thats not flattering

I know. I'm just trying to reassure you that you're doing the right thing.


OK, that's exactly the right response.

My best friend from uni has a sister who is mentally ill. Won't take her meds. Self-medicates with all kinds of street drugs. Has done all kinds of unbelievable things that have harmed her family in any number of ways. Her dad kept taking her back in, trying to help.

Her doc had to finally call him in and say "stop". He was told to bar her from the house, get a restraining order, not give her any support in any way. It was the only way to force her into treatment.

Worked a couple of times. Police picked her up - took her to the hospital - had her committed - hospital dried her out - stabilized her on meds. Then she went back out and started the spiral all over again. Got pregnant a couple of times. Denied she was pregnant through entire pregnancies. Only her brother-in-law could talk her into going into hospital to deliver the babies, who were put up for adoption on birth (by her dad first, and now my friend - who has guardianship of her now over-40 year old sister).

She's on the street again now. My friend still tries. It's painful. Tough love is the only thing that's kept her sister alive to this age. Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it. I understand why everyone HAS to keep trying, but it's messed up so many lives. My friend's kids have had a hard time understanding why this wild woman keeps appearing and disappearing.

Shewolf, no wonder you have so many conflicting thoughts and feelings about your mother. Her treatment of you is something I will never understand, but her response to the news that your stepfather was abusing you was immediate and thorough. She truly loved you and loves you.

No advice, just reflecting that things might never get better, your brother might be lost to any kind of helpful treatment. To keep him out of your mother's life and out of your's is the only thing that is fundamental. Your concern is understandable and comes from your heart, but there is nothing now that can be done. That is one of the most agonizing realizations that a caring human being can make. I don't mean stop lovinng and caring for him, he is a part of you and you love too deeply to just set it aside, but try to give yourself one of those pep talks that puts things in logical sequence. Emotionalism will become destructive if it isn't tempered with logic. Tragedy is a part of life. You are living through it. Love to you all.

I dont think anyone will ever be able to understand her treatment of me when I was young. Noone was in her shoes but her. I do believe that she was just so numb and so " out of it" she was skating through her days with her eyes closed. Again, no excuse, just a reason.


The story you tell Beth sounds all too familiar.
My brother at one point , would stand in the front yard screaming at one of moms neighbors because he swore he was an FBI agent and was planting things by his window to spy on him because he know about the helicopters that hovered over the house.
Refused to eat for a few days once thinking that the food was laced with some type of truth serum and it had to expire before he could eat it.

He self medicates often as most people with a chemical imbalance do.
Speed has been his drug of choice so far but that hasn't kept him away from anything and everything he can get his hands on. He has told me before that he stole RX meds from my mom, my aunt, and other people who have been over to my moms house.

I think my mother is of the mindset that your friend is Beth. Tough love is probally the only thing at this point she HASN'T tried and the only thing that will make him realize the consequences of his behavior.
If he doesn't have a job, he wont eat, he wont have a place to live.
If he doesn't take his meds he cant get a job..and so on.

In truth, her kicking me out was probally the best thing ( in a morbid way ) that has ever happened to me. I explored america with no rules. Granted, I have had some really shitty things happen to me, but all together, they make who I am and pave the way for who I want to be .
I have seen the underbelly of society , and learned that everyone is one paycheck away from the bottom of a bridge. I have seen many people who have become homeless simply because of lay offs in their cities, house fires, drugs etc. Noone is immune. I don't care WHO you are.
Knowing this, made me devoted to employment, savings, investments and other things that alot of people don't realise are important until they are ready to retire and learn they cant. Jobs in my mind are not disposable. Your job is your income. Your income is your life line. Too many people work today in jobs they hate and constantly think they can just leave if they don't like it. They are under the impression that there will always be work out there for them. With no care for the source of income some people have , it makes me wonder why they are even still employed.
I have lived with out, so I know how to appreciate what I have. I have lived without family, so now I know how to love them . I have lived without food... now I don't know how to stop eating it.
Simple lessons and more complex ones were shoved at me at an early age that I don't think i would have listened to or understood in any other situation.
A life lesson always comes with its drawbacks. The lessons I have learned ALMOST justify the means.. to a certain extent.

I get what you're saying about your upbringing, shewolf. It's impossible to to say what could have been done better in the past because that's what made you who you are. I have a similar anger toward my mother for my upbringing and what it comes down to is not the final terrible decisions and their consequences, but the fact that she did such a shitty job parenting that those final terrible decisions were almost inevitable. Many people learn the same lessons you learned with considerably less pain and at more age-apropriate times in their lives. You're doing a fantastic job making sure that it doesn't happen the same way with Bean.

Keep up the venting, we're all ears here.