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Wed 27 Jul, 2005 02:53 pm
So we have all blown off plans with friends to hang out with significant others before right? Not a huge deal. I've been friends with a girl since college who doesnt necessarily blow off plans (but she has before) she just wont MAKE plans due to the fact that she always wants to be with her boyfriend. In college she had a boyfriend-they pretty much laid in bed together constantly for a year and a half, she waited on him hand and foot then he dumped her. She and i really grew apart during this time (as she did with others) but when he broke up with her, she called me. I was kind of confused as to why she called me but we became friends. she was single for about 2 years, always wanting to go out, then she met her current boyfriend. The SAME thing has happened again. She's never around to hang out. During the week her bf has class tues/thurs. She has told me that we can hang out these 2 nights since we can have 'girl time' then. Please. I know that she only wants to hang out then because she doesnt have to worry about leaving his side-he's already gone. I guess i'm feeling kind of bitter. I was with someone for 4 years-i never acted this way. I complained about this on another board, i was told this
"OP, your friend's relationship with her boyfriend is serious, about as serious as one can get without being married. She is putting her boyfriend first, as a good wife does with her husband. This doesn't mean she cannot have any friends, it simply means her priorities lie elsewhere. When you're in a serious relatioship, it is as it should be...with your SO/spouse.
Friend time is necessary, however it is not the priority. She made it clear to you when she is available for girl time. She made herself flexible for you this time. And yet you still have somthing to b!tch about. I'm sure it would be no loss to her if you found other friends that better suit your needs."
Um ok, last time i checked that's not what friendship is about. Friendship is not about only making plans with friends when your bf isnt around in my eyes....
why you wanna be friends with a girl you ain't gonna shag anyways??
sorry mchalel but I basically agree with the other board you posted on......
As people grow, not only will significant others replace "girl friends" as a priority, but their children, elderly parents, job responsibilities will also be added to the list, just to mention a few.
If I make plans with friends, it is only after I clear the board of things that are more pressing or important.
Does that make you "less important", no, yes, depends on how you look at it.
If at one point a girlfriend was an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10 as far as importance, and she becomes involved with someone, you can look at it either that you have been demoted to a 3 or 4, OR, that you are still an 8, but the significant other is now a 16.
Actual, the point our friend Tenoch made so elequently is also important.
When men get involved in a relationship, their friends often, at least for a while might call him pussy whipped for not going out with them, as opposed to doing something with her.
Some young men take this to heart and remain the carefree bachelor, just being with a woman long enouth to shag her. Ususally, the smart woman wises up and realizes not to waste her time on this perpetual "boy". (That's why I've never been interested in a man under 40 - If your a great guy, you may have always been great, or, you could have been an ass*hole, but finally grew up. If you 40 and an ass*ole, you've always been one. My time is too precious to waste.)
Sadly, the guys who don't learn the lesson many times end up being pathetic old farts hanging around the clubs trying to pick up 18 year olds.
On the other hand, the female equivalent tends, in my experience, to turn into a bitter women who finds something wrong with every man.
The way of the world is for people to pair off. Those who believe otherwise as much as they don't want to see it, are in the minority.
Chai Tea,
You speak the realistic truth.
Things change, sometimes it sucks.
Quote:Sadly, the guys who don't learn the lesson many times end up being pathetic old farts hanging around the clubs trying to pick up 18 year olds.
I hope i don't turn into this guy.!!
Never you, Tenoch! You're a Yay Area guy and people from the Yay Area are far too cool to end up like that.
I agree with mchalel, after much experience feeling differently, and dealing with those who feel differently.
An appointment is an appointment, and it is insulting to have it cancelled because something better came up, whether it is with a friend, a lover, or a business appointment.
For a emergency, ok, but not as a general routine. It is a little desperate acting and not respectful of people's need to plan. And annoying to be on the cut side of it.
True, in a long term relationship you put in quality time with the loved one, but I don't think you grow as a person by only knowing, indeed leeching onto, one person for all your human conversation.
Don't make dates or appointments you don't keep. Be tentative if you need to, but not the majority of the time. It's plain rude.
Perhaps a woman only thinks of her woman friends as fillers while waiting for the prince. Or vice versa. Well, people are more interesting than that, and long time friendship is worth nurturing. Sure, not with every acquaintance, or even most people over time, but real friends are worth respect - and that means for their time too.
That's a different story, if you've made an appt to get together.
mch was saying her friend won't make arrangements, period.
I agree with you Osso that's it's pretty bad when you see someone leeching onto someone else, shutting out the rest of the world.
Rereading this, mch's friend does tell her they can get together on Tuesdays or Thursdays.
Frankly, I think that's more than enough girl time.
Then again, I'm an introvert and enjoy my alone time. So's my husband.
Actually, we're usually in separate areas of the house most of the time, being alone together (?)
I suppose to an extrovert only getting to see a friend twice a week would be restrictive. For an introvert, that many times would be energy draining.
Screw that, I hate it when people fall off the face of the earth once they're in a relationship. You NEED to have a life outside your girlfriend/boyfriend, and making time to hang out with good friends doesn't classify being a "carefree bachelor," chai tee.
I grew up with this dude I was really good friends with until he started going out with this girl. I haven't talked to him in months, and he was one of my best friends since 1st grade. Needless to say, I deleted his number and have no reason to call him again. I just think it's pathetic if you can't have some kind of balance other than your girlfriend/boyfriend. I'm not attracted to girls who can't keep some kind of social life on her own.
My ex-girlfriend was like this...she pretty much stopped calling her friends, and anytime I had plans over a weekend that she wasn't involved, she'd end up sitting around doing nothing and being pissed off I wasn't with her(and this wasn't often). When I dumped her(this wasn't the reason), she told me how she figured I'd change and settle down more. Had to explain to her life isn't a romance novel.
mchahel-I think I know where your coming from.
I dont understand anyone who cant seperate from their other halves at all!!!Thats a tad obsessive wether its a potential marriage situation or not.
All my friends have bf's/gf's and I have learnt that I have to fill up my own time.
It sounds like people are expecting you to be there for them when they want someone to hang out with, that sucks.
It happened to a friend of mine who was invited out by another girl to hang out with her til her boyfirnd finished work late in the evening.
When that relationship was over, the friend wasnt needed or called on anymore.
Partners are great but there is always time for friends.
Slappy Doo Hoo wrote:Screw that, I hate it when people fall off the face of the earth once they're in a relationship. You NEED to have a life outside your girlfriend/boyfriend, and making time to hang out with good friends doesn't classify being a "carefree bachelor," chai tee.
I grew up with this dude I was really good friends with until he started going out with this girl. I haven't talked to him in months, and he was one of my best friends since 1st grade. Needless to say, I deleted his number and have no reason to call him again. I just think it's pathetic if you can't have some kind of balance other than your girlfriend/boyfriend. I'm not attracted to girls who can't keep some kind of social life on her own.
My ex-girlfriend was like this...she pretty much stopped calling her friends, and anytime I had plans over a weekend that she wasn't involved, she'd end up sitting around doing nothing and being pissed off I wasn't with her(and this wasn't often). When I dumped her(this wasn't the reason), she told me how she figured I'd change and settle down more. Had to explain to her life isn't a romance novel.
Hmmm, aren't you the one with the thread "Remind me what it looks like?"
Sounds like your best friend from 1st grade knows. Perhaps he's the one with "balance"
Thanks for telling us what we NEED
You dumped Her!? Are you sure?
I was being kind saying "carefree bachelor" slap, What I really meant was "Immature nimrod who caves into peer pressue and ends up sitting on a couch watching porno and drinking beer and smoking bongs with his stupid friends who all have jobs at Jiffy Lube or as copier repairmen, saying things like "f*ck, why doesn't Larry sit around every night with us anymore? Hey, let's go play disk golf and piss in the bushes. Does anyone know what "it" looks like anymore? I forgot."
You wait too long, all the good ones get taken, and you end up with pychos babes who didn't make the first cut.
Nah, no such thing as "waiting too long," I won't settle. Settling is why so many married couples hate each other. I'll happily lead my life of bachelorhood and disposable income.
And I've slept with far more women than my friend I'm referring to. Oh yea, he's also proposed to two women that didn't say "yes." So I'm not sure what he knows in that department...all I know I've never gone to HIM for advice(but vice-versa).
A few month dry spell has happened before, I'm not worried.
okey dokie slapinator.
just don't shake it too hard, it might fall off!
Slappy Doo Hoo wrote:Nah, no such thing as "waiting too long," I won't settle. Settling is why so many married couples hate each other.
.
Exactly. Either that or the woman gets fat and lazy and then the relationship goes to hell.
Casanova wrote:Slappy Doo Hoo wrote:Nah, no such thing as "waiting too long," I won't settle. Settling is why so many married couples hate each other.
.
Exactly. Either that or the woman gets fat and lazy and then the relationship goes to hell.
Casanova! Go back to your other thread or I'll go get Bella and She-Wolf!
Hey, he's right. A lot of women will keep themselves in great shape until they find a provider...
However plenty of guys get fat and lazy too, so you can't single out the women.
Welcome to America...land of the obese.
Chai Tea wrote:Slappy Doo Hoo wrote:Screw that, I hate it when people fall off the face of the earth once they're in a relationship. You NEED to have a life outside your girlfriend/boyfriend, and making time to hang out with good friends doesn't classify being a "carefree bachelor," chai tee.
I grew up with this dude I was really good friends with until he started going out with this girl. I haven't talked to him in months, and he was one of my best friends since 1st grade. Needless to say, I deleted his number and have no reason to call him again. I just think it's pathetic if you can't have some kind of balance other than your girlfriend/boyfriend. I'm not attracted to girls who can't keep some kind of social life on her own.
My ex-girlfriend was like this...she pretty much stopped calling her friends, and anytime I had plans over a weekend that she wasn't involved, she'd end up sitting around doing nothing and being pissed off I wasn't with her(and this wasn't often). When I dumped her(this wasn't the reason), she told me how she figured I'd change and settle down more. Had to explain to her life isn't a romance novel.
Hmmm, aren't you the one with the thread "Remind me what it looks like?"
Sounds like your best friend from 1st grade knows. Perhaps he's the one with "balance"
Thanks for telling us what we NEED
You dumped Her!? Are you sure?
I was being kind saying "carefree bachelor" slap, What I really meant was "Immature nimrod who caves into peer pressue and ends up sitting on a couch watching porno and drinking beer and smoking bongs with his stupid friends who all have jobs at Jiffy Lube or as copier repairmen, saying things like "f*ck, why doesn't Larry sit around every night with us anymore? Hey, let's go play disk golf and piss in the bushes. Does anyone know what "it" looks like anymore? I forgot."
You wait too long, all the good ones get taken, and you end up with pychos babes who didn't make the first cut.
What's wrong with:
1. Drinking beer
2. Smoking bongs
3. Working at Jiffy Lube
4. Working as a copy repairman
5. Playing disc golf
6. Pissing in the bushes
?
If you get rid of friends when you get a significant other, you will become a very lonely person. You can't always be with your husband or wife. You need friends and a life of your own.
re
well i can certainly understand that things change when someone gets in a relationship. However, i think it's unhealthy if things change to the point where the person in the RL spends time ONLY with their SO and will ONLY make plans when that person is not around. I mean c'mon, you have to agree with me on that somewhat. I guess i find it irritating that she will only make plans when he's not around. To me it seems pathetic and co dependent of her. I would think that she would have learned from the last RL when she lost a friend, she has lost 2 friends due to her current RL
I remember last year a friend of ours was in town whom she hadnt seen in 3 years. My friend in the RL would not make plans with us because she and her bf were going clubbing! her and i actually argued over it and she basically said, i'm sorry i'm not changing my plans with SO to see her. This is just how it is.
Re: re
mchalel wrote:well i can certainly understand that things change when someone gets in a relationship. However, i think it's unhealthy if things change to the point where the person in the RL spends time ONLY with their SO and will ONLY make plans when that person is not around. I mean c'mon, you have to agree with me on that somewhat. I guess i find it irritating that she will only make plans when he's not around. To me it seems pathetic and co dependent of her. I would think that she would have learned from the last RL when she lost a friend, she has lost 2 friends due to her current RL
I remember last year a friend of ours was in town whom she hadnt seen in 3 years. My friend in the RL would not make plans with us because she and her bf were going clubbing! her and i actually argued over it and she basically said, i'm sorry i'm not changing my plans with SO to see her. This is just how it is.
The bottom line is your friend is trying to tell you that she prefers to spend time with her BF when he is around. Your bugging her about it is not a solution.
She's free to see you on Tuesdays and Thursdays - What more do you want?
You're the one who finds it irritating. You're the one who finds it pathetic. You're the one who finds her co-dependant, which is strange because you seem to be the one with the problem of not seeing enough of her.
What Bella said about being lonely can be try, but it's not a certainty. Not everyone who grows past some friendships become lonely.
It doesn't seem as though she expressed any remorse over not seeing an old friend to go out clubbing.
Perhaps she feels that going out on the town is not that important to her anymore.
You're friend doesn't seem to have a problem with this, you do.
Rather than trying to change her, perhaps you need to look at your own motives.
Do you have other friends you could be seeing the other 5 nights of the week she isn't available?
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