Wed 27 Oct, 2021 01:31 am
I’m in relationship for 2 and half years. This is my first relationship and I’m 30 year old.
Flashback: before 2 and half years back, I liked a guy at first sight who’s my Roomate’s friend. And continued liking him after meetings him 2-3 times. My Roomate made some jokes on us pairing us. He. Seemed like he’s interested in me too. After that I heard from my Roomate that he was talking with a girl that his friend suggested him. I cried a lot after knowing that. And I know that one of my friend is actually interested in me and he’s serious about me to get married. Later I also started liking him. So one day he proposed me and I accepted him. As a friend he used to be very caring and nice. once we were in relationship, he was good with me but some times he gets angry with me for no reason and acts weird and talks inappropriately with me in public places. And once my college friend texted me that he wanted to talk to me and he drove 8 hours to my place to meet me. After seeing this message he throw my mobile angrily. And later I understood that my masters friend wants to propose me and I told him directly that I’m already in relationship.
3 month later I accepted my friend and Being in relationship, I came to know that my Roomate’s friend didn’t like that girl much and then my Roomate asked about me. Then he seemed again interested in me. But this guy is a very shy guy who can’t come forward and take a step. And also I was in a new relationship, so I didn’t think about him.
The thing that I like in my boyfriend is that He’s not at all shy. He’s very straight forward in conveying that he likes me and in proposing me. But this guy acts really weird and later again he says sorry and will be nice with me. He keeps on repeating this since 2 and half years. And now I reached to a saturation point where I’m thinking of being in this relationship. He speaks lot of bad words. I told him I don’t like him speaking bad words before me. He says he won’t and still he repeats that and says that it was unintentionally happened. And he uses some words on me which are very hurtful to me and I told him that directly but still he repeats and says sorry. He makes fun of me before others. Some of them take advantage of that and speak at back of me. I told him this and he changed about this some what now a days. Recently, he shouted like anything on me for a small unintentional thing done by me when we were in others house who are not very close to us. Then later in 5 min again he came and said sorry but I was angry on him. Next day he came and pleaded me saying sorry a lot of times. But I’m really in a dilemma that should I continue this kind of relationship further. When he’s good , he is good. But when he gets mad he behaved weird with no maturity to think and act.
So it’s been 1 month already since we stopped talking. My friend tried to patch us so I again told everything straight forward that what I’m not liking in him. But he didn’t even listen and he’s not even saying that he won’t repeat these things again. Now he wants to talk to me but not giving me confidence that he won’t repeat these things. He says these things happen once in a while and how can he stop.
My parents and his parents already know about us and they’re expecting us to get married soon. Now I’m really thinking should I give up on this relationship because I’m loosing my self respect every time. Or should I keep it since my parents feel bad and since I can’t forget happy moments that we spent and I can’t really be away from him since I got very much habituated to him.
My also fear is that since I’m already 30 year old my parents seriously want me to get married and me too. So if I breakup with him and I think my Roomate’s friend is still interested in me so if we talk and date sometime we might be liking each other. But what if not everything goes right with him. And what if I don’t find a nicer guy than my current boyfriend and what if I should remain single throughout my life. I really want to start a family life ASAP.
Please give your advice. I will think about all.
Don't worry about your parents' wishes, thoughts, expectations, hopes, etc.
It's not their relationship; it's yours. They don't have to put up with the guy.
And neither do you.
Replace the word weird with the word abuse in what you wrote above. Because it is a form of abuse. When someone cares about you, they don't "forget" to be kind. They don't yell about small things. And you don't have to walk on eggshells around them, wondering when they'll snap. Not if. When.
You don't have to stay with him, no matter what anyone says. No matter how long you've been together. And no matter what he's ever bought you. And no matter how much or how sweetly he's apologized. I'm sure he gives great apologies. That's because he's got so much practice.
Sweet apologies are also markings of an abuser. A person doesn't have to be smacking you around to be abusing you.
30 isn't old. You don't have to marry tomorrow or next week or even next year.
And if you leave this guy (which I really hope you do), you don't have to marry or even date your roommate's friend. There are a lot of other men in the world. And there's no shame in being single, either.
But no matter what happens later, I hope you get out of this bad relationship now.
First of all, I agree with Jespah about the abuse and that you don't have to get married. What's the rush? Sounds like you didn't him very well before he proposed, too.
If you're having second or third thoughts - STOP. Stop right there. Trust your instincts. That behaviour is classic abuse material. If he's like that before you get married, think of the next 50 years.
The Magic Eight Ball says to "Look into your own heart, not to members of A2K."
He speaks some bad words but he doesn’t use on me. I mean whenever he talks with someone/his friends on call , and not like he’s angry on them . He just uses such words normally with his friends.
I don’t think like he’s abusing me because he doesn’t use bad words on me or he doesn’t abuse me physically or something like that. But sometimes/ very few times he gets angry. And he is possessive to some extent like if someone is liking me he becomes possessive. Not like when I’m talking to some boy or something like that. Every person have there own way in showing their love. Not everyone acts same right.
I know that he trusted me even though some mutual friends told something about me and he’s very clear that he want me and he does anything for me. I saw it many times.
If getting angry and shouting on me which happens very rarely with him , are considered as abuse ? He really takes good care of me but. He cuddles me a lot and he takes care of me a lot. He always values my likes. And he doesn’t restrict me from anything. If he doesn’t like something he suggests once or twice but he doesn’t force me to listen to him. So my point here is everyone have their flaws. Only issue that I have is I feel he doesn’t know what to talk before others and what not to. When to make fun and before whom we can make fun. This is the only issue I have. And now since he know that I’m already in relationship with him, he got some lenience on me sometimes.
If shouting on us and getting angry for small mistakes of us is abuse then even our parents does it right sometimes.
Here I’m not supporting him or not opposing him. But I want to look from all perspectives and think about it from all sides before taking a decision.
Your original post was confusing. Is this right:? you were in a previous relationship with someone who clearly abused you, verbally.
NOW- about 3 years later you are in a relationship where he:
acts weird ( inappropriate)
Speaks bad words ( swears around you)
Makes fun of you in front of others ( humiliates you)
Shouts at you for small reasons ( short tempered)
Promises to change but does not ( thats his temperament, he won’t change)
You are at your saturation point.
Now, you have not talked for some time, yet he takes no action to repair the relationship, makes no apologies , and there no promise to change.
Time to end this relationship. It will only get worse if you marry him.
Please seek counseling. Stop justifying his behavior and apologizing for his actions! You need to learn to pick more respectful men to be in your life.
And now I reached to a saturation point
I think you answered yourself here. I think you know the answer and it sounds like you don't want to disappoint your parents and you want a family. If these two items were not a consideration I think it would be easier for you to breakup. Go with your gut - I think it is telling you the right thing why you are at a saturation point.
Also consider if you were to marry him and have children - how do you think someone who uses inappropriate words and tends to get angry easily will treat children?