2 year affair, want to stop, feels like an addiction

Reply Fri 3 Sep, 2021 04:59 pm

I'm wondering if anybody has been in a similar situation? I am in an extramarital affair with a coworker. It's quite complicated because I've known him for 15 years. We live in different states and rarely see each other. Most of the affair is digital (email/zoom) however we have been intimate on two separate occasions. We were platonic friends for 4 years. He got divorced and then ended our friendship when he got remarried. We didn't speak for about 8 years. Then we ended up reconnecting over business and he admitted that he missed me and fantasized about me constantly. He also confided that his wife had an affair for 3 years and was devastated. I confronted him on his feelings for me and was this retaliation against his wife? He said that it was not but that he felt he could now act on his feelings for me because of her infidelity. We texted, emailed or talked every day and had sex at a work meeting. It was magical. We also met in a city that I had to go to for work and had sex there too.

For me, when we reconnected I had been struggling with my marriage and my feelings for my husband for a long while. He and I never had sex and he never seemed to want it. The only time we would have sex is if I initiated and then he could never finish. We are buddies and there is very little affection but we get along and have fun together.

When coworker came back into my life it was the perfect storm (or imperfect). I was feeling unattractive, unloved and invisible. He made me feel the opposite. We spoke about an affair prior to sex and said we would only be friends with benefits but emotionally it has become more. I know that this could end very badly. Also our careers can be affected. And lives destroyed. I don't want that.

The constant emailing and pictures and words of love and admiration...so difficult to walk away from when you don't receive this in your own marriage. I don't want to want this man. I want to be strong enough to end it for the sake of both of our families. I don't know how. He knows everything about me and we are so connected but I know morally it's so wrong. Sometimes all I can think of is him and the sex and the connection. I'm trying to seek therapy but it's so hard to find someone good with the pandemic and insurance qualifications. Any advice other than quit cold turkey? Thank you!
Reply Tue 7 Sep, 2021 08:04 am
Both you and loverboy are married. If you want to pursue a relationship with each other, then both of you need to end your marriages. (I would make sure he ended his first.) Otherwise, you are both being unfair to your respective spouses. But, my suggestion is that you end everything with loverboy and block him and maybe work on your relationship with your husband.

Why would I suggest that? Well, he was previously free to pursue a relationship with you after his 1st marriage ended. He did not. He pursued someone else and then ended a friendship with you (that could have been maintained if it was simply a friendship) when he got remarried. You only have his word for it that his current wife had an affair. You do not know for sure. And even if she did, he chose to stay with her rather than get a divorce.

Finally, would you be ok with your husband having an affair? I will never understand why any woman would entertain getting into a relationship with someone who has already demonstrated their willingness to cheat. Wanna bet loverboy also has someone on the side in the city he lives in?

Reply Tue 7 Sep, 2021 09:43 am
You are right we are both married. And actually, we both have acknowledged that we aren't planning to run off together. We fit a need that the other has. I'm not interested in him being my guy.
Yes, it is very disrespectful to our spouses and I should end everything. I know that I should work on my relationship w/ hubby but I've tried and my husband doesn't acknowledge my concerns. He seems like he'd rather stay in denial. I got to a point where I was feeling very alone and then loverboy reentered my life the perfect (or imperfect) storm.
When loverboy got remarried he unfriended me at the request of his new wife. It was painful because we were close friends. And at the time we were truly only friends but there was an emotional need that he was meeting even then. Regardless, when we reconnected he apologized multiple times and I forgave him. This was 8 years later so the hurt passed but I still cared for him. When we reconnected I was only looking for the friendship back but he told me that for the past 8 years and before he had stronger feelings for me that he never revealed. He confided in my about his wife and said he told no one else except for a therapist that they went to 4x.
You are correct that I only have his word about his wife's affair. He could be lying and just looking for fake sympathy to justify him wanting me but I choose to believe him (but have questioned it).
I would not be ok with my husband having an affair. I don't want to hurt him and know that this would be excruciating. I think about this constantly.
Mostly loverboy and I are penpals that speak on zoom occasionally and have had sex on two separate occasions. I'm not justifying this relationship but I've known him for 15 years so it makes it more difficult to break especially because I just got him back. I know I should end it and am here and seeking therapy to do so but I get drawn back in so easily...like an addiction. It's possible that loverboy has someone in the city he's in but I'm doubtful of that. He's a father of two kids and his wife stays at home. Also, I'm not in this to "win" him. It's a fun friend-based relationship and we are a huge support to the other listening and encouraging but not necessarily having expectations to be together. So it's a unique affair. The sex has been like nothing I've ever experienced with any man. It's a tough one because morally I know it's wrong and can explode but it's filling a void. I know he's not the right way to fill the void and honestly, I'm not sure how because for the 8 years that we weren't connected I craved the friendship.
Reply Tue 7 Sep, 2021 10:38 am
AshW wrote:
Any advice other than quit cold turkey?


Tell your husband of your "addiction."

I'm thinking he'll help "cure" you by divorcing you.
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Reply Tue 7 Sep, 2021 07:52 pm
So, most likely if you were single - divorced and available- he would make no effort to be with you any more than he is now.

You know this. That’s why you stay with your unresponsive husband.

Why do you let men use you so? Both are emotionally unavailable and are using you!
Reply Wed 8 Sep, 2021 08:45 am
Perhaps it's a two way street. If he was single and available I don't think I would divorce my husband for him. We are using each other. I'm not sure why it is always assumed that the woman is the only one being used. And by used...I mean that he is meeting a need within me. I want to end it because I don't want either of our lives to implode. However, the need he is filling makes me feel energized and full. I know this is something I need to figure out on my own but it is very easy to allow him to do this. Also, I truly care for this man so I think it's better to let him go but it's incredibly difficult to do so because of the history and friendship...and sex. I don't mean to sound cold hearted but I entered this knowing, maybe protecting, my heart from wandering into areas that would allow myself to believe otherwise.
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Reply Tue 14 Sep, 2021 10:16 pm
Yes AshW. I am going through a similar situation now. I have a game friend who I have gotten close with. We are both married without any children. We weren't looking for a relationship but after we had gotten closer we found the attraction. We are in a group whatsapp where we would swap game information and other life stuff. We somewhat confessed our feelings of flirting at the end of July and said that we will give up speaking to each other the following weekend. Within those 2 weeks we progressed so fast to a point that we had to take a break 3 times of not speaking but spending time with each other in game. I told him that we are not going to meet because this was wrong from the start and if we do meet, there will be no turning back. So whenever we came to a threshold, we take time to cool off by not talking but every time we did that, we came back even stronger every time. He even proposed to me in game as there was an option for that in game. I couldn't be happier. I was on cloud 9. We even decided to go away for a day or 2 just to be together which really gave me hope.

But then last week his good friend who is also in the game and whatsapp group 'accidently' (I think it was calculated) forwarded his wife ultrasound to the group saying they are 2 months pregnant. I was devastated. Whatever dignity I had left, I told him in game 'thanks for the memories and goodbye'. I didn't talk to him ever since but I waited for him to explain to me things so I left my whatsapp open for him to explain to me but the explanation didn't come so I blocked him. He continued to message me in game saying 'Hi' but I don't reply. He continued to do this up to yesterday where there was no more message. TBH I miss him terribly. I deleted almost all our conversation over text but I couldn't delete his voice message. Am still holding on to it but I need delete it eventually. All these things happened because I hold on too tight to him and now I am burn. Just want to say don't go through the hassle. It was wrong from the start. Walk away and don't turn back. It will save you all the heartbreak and hurt.
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Reply Wed 15 Sep, 2021 12:23 pm
I would think that at this point, stopping the affair is sort of "too late". You (and he) should end your marriages and that way your affairs are your own business.

He's married, you're married, you are both very disrespectful of your spouses and they are disrespectful of you as well. End the chaotic marriages and use this as a learning lesson. You don't cheat. If you are not happy and things just aren't working, no blame on anyone just end it, move on and at that point you can do things like that without hurting anyone. I just hope there aren't any kids involved in this.
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