Am I unreasonable or is she crazy? Relationship help

Reply Tue 24 Aug, 2021 03:38 pm
Please, I need an outsider's opinion. I rarely ask for help, let alone turn to the Internet for relationship issues but I don't know where else I can turn to both preserve my anonymity and get a genuine answer.

My wife and I been together for the greater portion of a decade now. Both of us are in our early 30s. We got together early in college and never looked back. In the first few years everything was perfect, plently of love, affection, and the sex was both daily and amazing. However, that started to dwindle as time went on... especially the sex. I initially didn't mind because it was still well within what I considered what a loving couple should be having (I had been reading about countless other couple's relationships and we seemed to be on par with them).

Within the last 2 years we've have made significant changes to our lives. I recieved a promotion and took a job across the US. In order to make this happen we both spent a considerable amount of our savings, to the point of us not being able to afford the next month's rent if I wasn't paid on time. During this process she also had to quit her job as it wasn't readily available across country. However, in the first few months of me working we quickly recuperated as my new job really paid off and now we were doing very well. A new million dollar house, two brand new cars, new pets, all with plenty to spare, ect... (please understand this is not a flex I am just trying to provide you with my perspective).

Fast forwarding to now and getting to why I'm posting in the first place. Sex is virtually one sided, I always have to be the one to initiate it and when the rare occurrence does happen it's the same scenario every time. She always needs the lights off, she hates when I see her naked, she only likes one position and refuses to let me do anything to her that she previously greatly enjoyed. All that being said I began to get very frustrated and I shared with her how unhappy this was causing me to feel. When we discuss the situation she reverses the conversation and pins the causation on me citing things that she thinks I do not do for her. Per her, these include no longer being affectionate, no longer paying attention to her, and the worst of all... only being focused on sex! I work over 200 hours a month, my job is very rewarding but also very stressful and she stays at home. We've had discussions about this, each time I bring up how hard and how much I work she flips it and tells me that I don't appreciate or know how much she does around the house to "keep it running." According to her SHE'S the unappreciated one. Is it unreasonable for me to expect her to help me destress and reset after I come home or am I being an asshole for "expecting" this kind of treatment. She refers to this as being reciprocal, stating that I cannot go to work for "us" but then come home and expect to be "rewarded" for doing it. I admit I do partially feel that sort of way but am I wrong for it? I've suggested other things and ideas, one of which was that I wanted her to see a doctor to see if there was something we were missing. I kept reminding her and even offered to either let her go alone or be by her side during the visit but that was almost a year ago and she stilled hasn't found someone to talk to about this.

I don’t have an answer for this and I'm looking for any sort of advice, anecdote, or suggested direction. We've tried counseling and it hasn't changed anything. I just want to understand why or see things through her perspective or maybe other's point of view. We still love each other and sometimes we have great days together but nearly 100% of the time those are the days I either don't mention sex or scurry off to far corners of the house to masturbate so I have less of a sex drive throughout the day.

Desperate for Advice

Reply Tue 24 Aug, 2021 04:13 pm
She's unhappy. I don't know if it's you, or the move, or resettling in a new house, if she misses the satisfaction of being employed or exactly what is making her unhappy.
Reply Tue 24 Aug, 2021 04:15 pm
Your business is successful. So hire some help before your insane hours and probable stress put you in an early grave.

You are neglecting your wife. Of course you are! Because 200 hours + per month = about 48, 49 hours per week on average. So either you are working one or both weekend days or you are putting in 9 or 10 hour days on the regular.

That's a recipe for neglecting anyone.

You come home, you're exhausted. You don't want to talk. You just want to screw and sleep.

Your wife isn't bringing in the big-time bacon. You are the one who is contributing to the financial status of the household. And her contributions are not being included in that. Her labor, her time, etc. She may be feeling you don't appreciate her contributions. And, according to your post, you don't.

You just want your sex reward for putting in ridiculous hours that, considering your cash flow, you no longer need to do.

And you have also decided that only she needs to see a doctor. You aren't taking any responsibility for the issues in your marriage.

Is she responsible for some of the issues? Absolutely. But right now, if you want anything else to be reciprocal, you have got to step up to the plate and be present in your marriage.

Right now, you are busy being a work martyr and, as I have already stated, you no longer have to be. You are treating your home like a hotel, and your wife like a fringe benefit of overworking yourself, and not like the person you fell in love with.

Marriage counseling for both of you would be a really good idea-- and by forcing you to take time and deal with things, maybe you'll learn how to delegate at work.

Because this schedule is going to kill you.
Reply Wed 25 Aug, 2021 12:48 pm
Does your wife need help with the house? Maybe a housekeeper/gardener/ grounds keeper / nanny or other? You may have no idea how hard or difficult it is to run a “ million dollar” house.

Does she have any outside activities or friends? Do you? Do you have date nights? It sounds like both of you ought to slow down and prioritize your lives. Both of you are working too hard.

Do you go to the gym? Having to run into another room to “ relieve” sexual tension could mean you also have the need for physical release or it can be anxiety? You are not 15 anymore. Is there a healthy balance here or do you use sex as a release?

Why do you want your wife to go to the Dr.? Was that brought up in counseling? Do you think she has a low libido now?

You said counseling didn’t work. Why do you feel that way? What didn’t change?

Reply Wed 25 Aug, 2021 03:12 pm
Agreeing with the others. You work too many hours. I loved my previous husband and we had a great life, for the entire 20 years we were together, I visited my family with just my kids, he didn't really participate in their lives (go to games, go golfing, taking them out to restaurants, etc), didn't do much with me, either - I did almost all of my activities with friends and family. He was a workaholic. It got kind of lonely. No matter how many times I would ask him to put aside some time for the family, it rarely happened. So I finally left him. We are still friendly, but I'm much happier with my new husband (13 years) because he invites me to everything he's doing (football games, drinks with the guys, music events, dinner, family things). I can go or not, but it's clear he'd like me to go. That is a huge difference.
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Reply Wed 25 Aug, 2021 05:11 pm
( 21 ) And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.

(quran- Sura - room - Aya 21)
Reply Wed 25 Aug, 2021 06:49 pm
Way to read the room there, dude.
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Reply Wed 25 Aug, 2021 09:17 pm
I want to thank each of you for taking time out of your day to read about, give thought to, and then reply to a complete internet stranger. I can't honestly convey how much of an impact this makes. I'm going to try to cut my hours as I do think that is likely the primary contributing factor. Also, I'll try to shed so more information on the subject by getting to the specific points or questions you each bring up
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Reply Wed 25 Aug, 2021 09:32 pm
Her happiness is fairly volatile depending on the day, sometimes for no specific reason she's the happiest person you've ever met and an hour or so later she's the complete opposite. Often there are small triggers that can cause her to change like that but we've been together for so long those are easy to avoid.

In terms of your specific points however, I do not believe that I am the direct result as she tells me that's not the case, and frankly I believe her (having been together for almost half our lives has made it very easy to pick up on each other's subtle cues and we both know when the other isn't being entirely truthful). As for the move, it was her suggestion that I take the new position, she was excited of the thought of moving to a new area and what new prospects it might bring. In terms of her job, she has told me that she both really enjoys all the time off but also wishes she could go back, to which I encouraged her to follow her heart and do whatever pleases her, even if it were part time she could have a slice of both worlds.

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Reply Wed 25 Aug, 2021 10:00 pm
I do believe you are right in that my time investment to my work is the largest contributing factor to the problem and I do plan on making changes soon.

As for making contributions to the home, I am not expecting her to contribute financially if she does not want to, I want her to be happy and if returning to work does that for her then I am all for it.

For her contributions to the home however, (again, not trying to be an ass, but only trying to provide facts) it is true that I that do a fair majority of the household duties, and I'm not complaining about it but at times I would like some of those projects to be covered more on her time while I work rather than left unfinished for me to take care of myself AFTER I return home from a long day. I cook, I clean, I work on home improvements and upgrades which add long term value to our investment, all of these activities I greatly enjoy doing, but once in a while it would be wonderful to return home having the house smelling of a home cooked meal or having it sparkling clean and not having to immediately take care of this myself.

As for seeing a doctor, I already noted I would be happy to go with her, I may not have explicitly stated that during the visit we would talk about US instead of only HER but that may have been my fault for not conveying that accurately.

Again, thank you for taking your time to provide such a detailed reply
Reply Wed 25 Aug, 2021 10:19 pm
Thank you for the response, please refer to my previous comment replies as I do believe I have at least partially answered that portion of your question.

I do complete most of the maintenance myself as well as the day to day upkeep, the comment on "keeping the house running" was one of her quotes. I had asked her to elaborate and take me through her day to day activities (looking back it was probably not one of the most mature questions I have ever asked her but at that moment I was very frustrated with her). However, empirically speaking her responses would never hold water, brief example would be that she did laundry and tried to convince me it took the whole day. To clarify, it is only the two of us and if laundry starts to pile up more than 3-4 days I will do it before it becomes a multi-load job.

Unfortunately no, we do not have many additional activities and we both have few friends however that is not really a change from our baseline as a result of the move (prior to that we usually kept to ourselves and neither of us minded it that much).

We are both heavy gym goers, we are both very fit and I personally see that as a very strong outlet for myself.

Again, thank you for taking your time to draft a long reply, it is appreciated

Reply Thu 26 Aug, 2021 02:01 am
Dear Desperate, I think my answer to you was too brief. I hoped that by telling you she was unhappy you could take it from there. Instead you doubled down on all the things you do for her and what you want from her. You make the money, you work long hours, you do all the housework, you didn't mention cooking so I'll assume you do the food shopping and cook all the meals. Apparently your wife does nothing that you consider of value.

She's unhappy, and you're unhappy. I hope she is seeking advice for herself, but since you are asking here....all I can tell you is that you sound aggrieved, unappreciated and needy. You may have good reasons, I honestly don't know. The parts that made me squeamish was you sharing that you scurry off into dark corners to masturbate because your wife neglects your needs. You are trying to gild your Lilly of sexual frustration....please don't do that, it's unbecoming and I'll bet the older gals who responded to you all think your 'I have to beat my meat' sob story is a turn off and a dogwhistle.
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Reply Thu 26 Aug, 2021 05:17 am
You can hire a maid. You can invest in a meal service or a slow cooker or both. I have been the one who works and I have been the hausfrau. I personally hate cleaning, and I don't relish using my time to dust, etc. Your wife may feel the same-- and you certainly have the bucks to hire help in that area.

You still seem to be framing any medical intervention as being a doctor's visit for her with you tagging along. The not so subtle message is that she's the only one with problems and is the only one who needs to make any changes. Here's an area where you can lead by example. Go first.
Reply Thu 26 Aug, 2021 10:47 am
Yes, agreeing with Jespah. At the same time, given that you recognize she has a need (or two), why not take the time to bring home some flowers, take her out to dinner, talk about what she's interested in?

I appreciate she seems needy and she's probably bored and doesn't sound inclined to do much for herself, but you married her, you say you still love her, and people go through rough patches in life. Consider this a rough patch for her and be a little thoughtful. Have some conversations, watch tv together, cuddle up on the couch.
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