Wife has had an affair for 18 months

Reply Fri 20 Aug, 2021 12:00 am
I’ve just found out my wife has had an affair for 18 months and my head is spinning with what to do.

I met my wife when she was 16 & I was 18 we dated for a few years and then I ended the relationship as I was young and just wanted fun basically. We then started meeting up and she fell pregnant by accident at the age of 18 and I was 21 we decided to give things ago and I thought we would be together forever.

We moved in together and have since had another child, current ages 15 & 7, I would say my wife worshipped the ground I walked on in the beginning and although she kept asking for me to show the same amount of love back, I have no explanation why I just didn’t. I felt I always supported her well and never cheated on her but I just wasn’t an emotionally and romantic person, we also had a lot of stresses through the time we’ve been together a couple of failed businesses money struggles etc.

When my wife fell pregnant with my 2nd child I finally proposed and we married a year later, everything seemed to be going so well. Then we finally confronted our money troubles and was declared bankrupt, i however accept most of the responsibility for the money issues due to a failed business but I can’t change what happened.

A month after the bankruptcy my wife told me she was pregnant and it was by accident, we had a chat and agreed to have the baby terminated due to her starting a new career and our financial situation. The problems arose when she started to lose the baby by miscarriage as at this point she felt she wanted to keep this third child and I didn’t support her in the best way as I thought we had both agreed to terminate the child.

This happened around February time and by April she was getting friendly with new work colleagues which is a male dominated industry, I could see she was having a breakdown and kept trying to help the best I could even arranging for her to have counselling which lasted 6 months. However I didn’t know she had already started spending time with this guy from work who is 13 years her junior which has led to an affair and them sleeping together numerous times.

I’m in shock that this has happened as hand on my heart I would have never thought she was capable of this, since I have caught her out she has had a little thinking time and is begging for my forgiveness and saying how disgusted she is over the whole affair.

The big issues for me is it’s only come to light 3 weeks ago and the affair only stopped because I caught her out through social media and emails etc, during the whole 18 months of her having an affair and the start of the breakdown I have been pleading with her about my concerns.

To me it seems although she was hurt and broken by everything she clearly didn’t care or have any love for my feelings, but the whole time she was saying she loves me and wants to be together forever it’s just her guard is up as she has been treated and let down so bad over the years.

I feel I don’t want to break my kids family apart and after everything she has done I’m not slagging her off but I just can’t look at her in the same way.

I also feel will I be happier with someone else and would I even meet someone else seen as this is the only relationship I know, I’m considering us trying marriage counselling if we can afford to.

I know I will have to eventually work out what I want to do for myself but I just wondered is it likely people can move on and be happy and trust worthy after such deceit?
Reply Fri 20 Aug, 2021 06:39 am
Only you can decide if you want this trainwreck to continue.

Oh, and your wife seems to accidentally get pregnant an awful lot. Perhaps you should consider a vasectomy - or at least work with her to get measurably more reliable birth control. A lot of your life decisions have been made by what's going on in your pants. You have been letting life happen to you, and I mean both of you.

It's time to stop that.

Counseling is often a good idea. Not necessarily to repair your marriage, but to think about and plan what's going to happen next. You may also want to think seriously about the economic consequences of upending your marriage. If you two can't afford one household, then you're definitely not going to be able to afford two.

And lastly, no matter what happens, don't stay together because of your kids. I guarantee your older child knows what's going on, and your younger has an inkling that something is not right. If you do decide to stay together "for the sake of the children", then it's another case of letting life happen to you.

You're the grownups in the room. It's time to take charge of your lives -- whatever direction they lead to.
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Reply Sat 21 Aug, 2021 01:48 pm
Stan99 wrote:

I met my wife when she was 16 & I was 18 we dated for a few years and then I ended the relationship as I was young and just wanted fun basically. We then started meeting up and she fell pregnant by accident at the age of 18 and I was 21 we decided to give things ago and I thought we would be together forever.

The numbers here confuse me. She was 16, you dated for 'a few years', then you ended the relationship. Then she got pregnant at 18. That's only 2 years from the date when you met her, yet you dated and then broke up all in 2 years. How did you date for a 'few years'?

Anyway, only you can decide if you want to stay together or build trust or whathaveyou. I'm with Jespah on this. Kids are very smart and quite resilient. Do the best thing for you. 18 months is a long time for an affair. Do you think you could trust her again?
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Reply Sun 22 Aug, 2021 02:57 am
We are making sure that we don’t argue in front of the kids and as much as I’ve been hurt I’m not shouting about anything we just have private conversations away from the kids.

18 months is a long time and that’s what’s hard for me to get my head around the length of time and the reason it stopped is because she was caught out. I never saw her doing this to us and I know it started because she hit rock bottom and found someone to confide in. That still doesn’t make it right and she still had plenty of time to think about me and the kids feelings and obviously didn’t.

I also feel stupid as if anyone asked me my opinion I would say leave as you can’t ever trust her again, maybe I’m being naive but it was so out of character for her and the fact I never wanted to lose her has just got me so torn in what to do.

This is also the only relationship I’ve ever known so I am considering trying some online dating, not because I want anyone else or to seek revenge. I think it may help me build some confidence and open my eyes to if there is another option out there.
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