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Am I no longer allowed to speak to my daughter's mom?

 
 
Reply Mon 2 Aug, 2021 02:14 pm
Let me put this out there before anyone even says it. Yes, I know my wife and I have issues but I try to manage them as best as possible. Here's what happened yesterday.

Background: Before my wife and I met some 18 or 19 years ago I was dating a girl and she got pregnant with our daughter. I got full custody of her when she was about 2 years old. She's going on 25 in a few days and I now have a 5 month old granddaughter from her. Well, back in the day my wife, girlfriend at the time, and my daughter's mom didn't get along and I tried my best to keep them apart as much as possible. As time went on my daughter's mom faded into the woodwork and she and I had less and less contact with each other as our daughter grew, graduated high school and college. I've probably seen her twice in the past 3 or 4 years.

Well, yesterday I was at my parent's house like all my brothers and sisters congregate there every Sunday just to come, chat, and have some fun. Later in the day my wife showed up after being absent from our Sunday gatherings for nearly a year or so. She would rather stay home alone than tag along with me. My family sort of has our own language of how we say certain things and during the course of one conversation I said this, "de said. . . " Which to my parents and other siblings means "they said." My wife heard that and got angry with me. Granted, my wife and I have been together some 18 or 19 years so I'm sure she's heard all of us say that from time to time. However, this time when she heard me say it she got angry and left. Here's why. If you haven't figured it out yet, we call my daughter's mom Dee which is short for her real name. My wife heard that and assume I had been in contact my with daughter's mom. When I got home she questioned me on when I spoke to my daughter's mom last. I looked at her puzzled because I wasn't sure why she was asking me that. When she finally said what she meant I stood there dumfounded because I couldn't believe she is still upset with that after all these years. And secondly, I know my wife has heard us say that phrase before and I do know I have explained it to her multiple times over the course of these 18+ years. My wife is one of those who believes that when you break up with someone you should have no more dealings with them. She never speaks to her ex-husband even though they have 2 sons together. I, on the other hand don't have a problem remaining friends with exes on some level. But in this case me and my ex-gf share a child and we now share a grandchild. No, I haven't spoken to her in a while but am I not allowed to speak to her if it was in regards to our daughter or even our granddaughter? No, we're not calling each other and chatting it up about the old days or anything like that. Like I said, the last time I saw her was at my daughter's college graduation a few years ago.

When you break up with someone are you no longer allowed to speak to them, according to your current mate, even if you have kids together? Now take out of the equation if you don't have kids together. But say you do share a child. If your mate says you shouldn't talk to them out of respect for her would you?
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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 311 • Replies: 7
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Mame
 
  1  
Reply Mon 2 Aug, 2021 02:38 pm
@Barry2021,
Of course you should be 'allowed' so speak to anyone you choose. I think your wife not only needs intense and frequent counselling, she also needs a full frontal lobotomy and maybe electric shock therapy. And maybe medication.

When I married my husband, 9 of his former girlfriends were there. I actually travel quite frequently with his last. I don't think that's weird - I think it's mature.

Your wife obviously feels insecure, but it's her demands and anger (wash my car, we're driving yours, I'm not going to your parents' house, etc) are over the top, IMO. I wonder what she'd be like if you acceded to all her demands.
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Mon 2 Aug, 2021 03:05 pm
@Mame,
And that's the think. I'm trying my best to assure her that her thoughts are just her thoughts. She puts these things into her head and they stick which to her means, they're right. I can only appease her so much then I start lashing back.

Last Sat morning I gout out in the driveway and was going to wash both our cars but I had a zoom meeting for a committee I'm involved in with our church at noon. Around 11 I ran into the house to jump in the shower for the meeting and I told my wife I would wash her car later in the day once it cooled down and before my zoom meeting had even began she asked me "why didn't you just wash my car first?" She has to be first on everything.

We could be sitting down watching TV and Idris Elba or Boris Kodjoe cam come on the screen and she goes all giddy school girl over them. But the minute I say anything about Cardi B. or Megan The Stallion then I'm obviously looking at other women wanting to cheat.

Yes, I'm friend with a number of my exes and if I run into them somewhere I'll say hey, how have you been, you know, the pleasantries. To her, that's paramount to me wanting to get back with them.

You even tried to speak with or explain something to someone but no matter what you say they are going to always think you're wrong? That's my wife.

And I am not going to cave to every one of her demands because the minute I do then she's going to think I suppose to cave to everything she says.
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edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Mon 2 Aug, 2021 03:44 pm
Step families deal with emotions non step families have no notion of. What's reasonable in a non step family has no effect on how a step parent feels. A step parent has that visceral challenge to face every time certain situations arise. I grew up in such a family and my children grew up in one too. Some of it will only go away after you grow old.
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Mon 2 Aug, 2021 03:55 pm
@edgarblythe,
But in this situation my wife heard what she wanted to hear and made more of it than what it was. Had she listened to the conversation she would have realized that we were not even talking about my daughter's mom. We might have been talking about the Olympics and track and field but she heard what she wanted to hear and made more of it.
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Mon 2 Aug, 2021 03:55 pm
@Barry2021,
For God's sake! Be a man.

You need to talk to your ex, than talk to your ex. Your current wife has nothing to say about it. Yeah, you should listen to her feelings, that is a good thing to do. But she is going to have to deal with it.

If you let a woman tell you how to live your life, you lost your independence. This isnt good for you. This isn't good for your daughter. This isn't even good for your current wife.

Tell her sorry, but you are going to keep talking to the mother of your daughter.

(For those keeping score, I would say the same thing if the genders were reversed.)

edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Mon 2 Aug, 2021 04:05 pm
@Barry2021,
Reason doesn't work in these situations. Only finding a way to let the fuss die will work. My opinion. I'm no authority.
0 Replies
 
Barry2021
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Aug, 2021 04:45 am
@maxdancona,
@ Max,

This is not about being a man or even manning up. I am not in contact with my daughter's mom and haven't been in a few years. Like I said, I haven't seen her since our daughter graduated college a few years ago. If, and I do say if I run into her I'm going to speak and say hey but that's about it. My wife is just basing her thoughts on what she heard at my parent's house Sunday. She's heard all of us use that term before and I know I've explained it to her on several occasions I don't even think I have a good number for her.
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