I can’t meet my parents expectations

Reply Fri 16 Jul, 2021 02:11 pm
I’m a College student , 2nd year in med school
The thing is i dont get good grades because i just can’t study , i dont do my best , i dont work hard , i don’t have the passion to study anymore . I’ve always been an excellent student but when i got to college , i kind of could not keep up with it , i dont like to study for 5-6 hours daily even though i know that i should
I dont party and i dont have a boyfriend , i have few friends . I spent all my time at home and even with that , i dont feel motivated to study
Also my family have really expectations of me , they believe i’m special and have the qualities to be a good doctor ( good family environment, money , i can learn things easily )i also believe in that , just i can’t put it into action
They also have expectations because i always tell them i’ll study hard next time , believe in me , i’mma get good grades but the next time never come
And recently i’m feeling like i’m scared of them being disappointed in me more than having bad grades
I really feel like a failure , they love me and always there for me , they get me the things i want , and i can’t seem to give them the one thing that they want from me : developping a consistent study routine and be successful and hard working
Can anyone tell me how i can change my attitude ? How to build new habits ?
Reply Fri 16 Jul, 2021 02:49 pm
Are you sure you want to be a doctor? If you were interested, you would study, don't you think? Does your university have a guidance/career counsellor? Maybe you'd prefer or be better off in some other medical-related field?

I say this as a former Education Coordinator for Pediatrics who interacted with all levels of medical students as well as paediatric residents, subspecialty residents and fellows.

It gets more gruelling and stressful each year, and the exams get harder. You will get ward work, then more ward work, and then more ward work. And the on-call can be a killer.

If you don't already love what you're doing, then you're going to hate it.

I'm sorry - this may not be helpful, but it's the reality. Becoming a doctor is no picnic.

I think you should rethink what you really want to do and be, talk to someone at the school about it... if you're not that engaged where you don't work hard, can't study, don't have the passion... then this is not the right fit for you.

If it were me, I'd look at something where I could put this education to use... veterinary school? Pharmacy?
Reply Fri 16 Jul, 2021 02:50 pm
Take a year off.

I'm serious.

You're terribly burned out.

And, beyond that, there may be a nagging voice, deep down inside of you, that tells you that these are your parents' expectations, their hopes and dreams -- but not your own.

What should you do with a year off?

Work. Doesn't have to be related to your course of study. Just get into the habit of getting up, getting out, and doing work. This can be clerical, fast food, become a dog walker. It. Does. Not. Matter.

Why am I suggesting this? Because you could use some independence. And some perspective. This does not necessarily mean going back to pre-Med is the answer. But you may find that you miss school.

Also, learn how to study. Here's a book - https://www.amazon.com/Make-Stick-Peter-C-Brown-ebook/dp/B00JQ3FN7M/ref=sr_1_6?dchild=1&keywords=how+to+study&qid=1626468066&s=books&sr=1-6#customerReviews

I can't vouch for it, but it seems well-rated. Go to your school's guidance counseling office and ask if it's okay or if they've got better alternatives. And tell them what you told us. A tutor may be in order, even if you're not at school. This would be someone to work with you, and essentially teach you how to learn.

I suspect that some of your ennui and lack of success may be due to having been gifted/still gifted so some things come easily. And then when other things don't come quite so easily, you flounder. You need to learn how to learn the hard stuff, the stuff where you can't just wing it.

Third task for a year off: think about your life. Where do you see yourself, not just in 5 years or 10 years, but in 40? Yes, you can have a 40 or even 50 year long career. Barely skating by and not being motivated is bad now. Imagine it in 4 or 5 decades.

Talk to a career counselor. Take some self-assessment tests. You may find that the best path for you is something else entirely. In fact, I think that's exactly what you're going to find.

Fourth and last task for a year off: learn how to be assertive.


It's a useful life skill and everyone should be able to diplomatically get what they want and need.

And then use your brand-new assertiveness skills on your parents, to explain to them that it's your life and not theirs, and you're miserable. You're self-sabotaging to get out of a path that you just plain don't want to be on.

PS IANAD, and I am not a psychologist/therapist/psychologist. I'm just someone who had 2 lousy majors where I felt the weight of expectations upon me. I became a far happier person when I studied what I wanted to study, and developed and pursued a career that could work for me.
Reply Fri 16 Jul, 2021 03:14 pm
The thing is that i dont what to do other than that
I sometimes feel like i want to be a doctor but i sometimes think maybe i like thr idea of being a doctor
My father is a doctor and my mom is a pharmacist , i grew up in an environment where everyone thought of me a doctor since i was a kid ( family , friends , even my teachers ) that’s why i never cared about other specialities , Even though my parents asked me to choose the career that i want , i could not think about anything else
That’s pretty messed up , i know
Reply Fri 16 Jul, 2021 03:23 pm
As someone from north africa , taking a year off is really impossible but i have the next two months free , so i’m gonna take your advice and do that for the next two months
Unfortunately there is no such thing as school guidance counseling here
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Reply Fri 16 Jul, 2021 03:24 pm
Kristay wrote:

The thing is that i dont what to do other than that
I sometimes feel like i want to be a doctor but i sometimes think maybe i like thr idea of being a doctor
My father is a doctor and my mom is a pharmacist , i grew up in an environment where everyone thought of me a doctor since i was a kid ( family , friends , even my teachers ) that’s why i never cared about other specialities , Even though my parents asked me to choose the career that i want , i could not think about anything else
That’s pretty messed up , i know

You are not messed up - you are a normal 18 - 20 year old (is my guess on the age). How are you supposed to know another career if you have not experienced any others - that is why the suggestions above are so good. Maybe you will find out you have the skills and passion to be architect or maybe a forest ranger. It could be anything.

Just to add to what was said on here on who you can seek for guidance and advice - maybe speak with a therapist/counselor at your school - one that specializes a bit more on mental health pretty much every college has this resource. That person can help you learn how to direct yourself a bit more (not the academic side of things) but dealing with unrealistic expectations; that you feel like you are a failure (which you are not).

Also as far as the study side - see if there are resources at your college that helps you learn how to study - yep it is a learned thing, how to organize your study time and how to tackle it. I was an average to below average student in college until I had a professor help me with this. Then suddenly in the most difficult classes I was getting A's. I gained confidence and was very prepared for my classes and most important I actually started to learn more.

I think you have some very good suggestions on here and your college should have these resources for you. You will feel better about yourself - you just need a little help.

Ug - I just read that you have no school counseling - does your school have any sort of resources? I would reach out and ask - it is worth a try.
Reply Fri 16 Jul, 2021 03:35 pm
They really don’t care about students mental health here , that’s why i’m trying to figure out things on my own or forums
Reply Fri 16 Jul, 2021 03:49 pm
If the medical school suddenly shut down, what would you think of doing? There are aptitude tests online that you can take. They take in all kinds of factors and are actually quite useful.

Or, as Jespah suggested, take some time off. Maybe you need a bit of a break.

One thing I'm certain of is that you will not do well at anything until you sort this out. We're all rooting for you, so please do yourself a favour and don't beat yourself up or think this is impossible.

Write a list on the left side of the page of what you're good at (could be cooking, writing, singing, Soduko, crosswords, languages), then write a list on the right side of what you enjoy (could be problem-solving, gardening, volunteering with youth, reading) - you get the picture. See where the matchups occur. Then see which professions or jobs meet those matchups. It works.

And maybe you're not career-profession material? I know that I'm not. I couldn't do the same thing year after year.

See someone or talk to someone, even your parents, about how you're feeling. They could have some great insight.
Reply Fri 16 Jul, 2021 04:10 pm
Thank you so much for your kindness and help
As someone with more experience , can you tell me what do you think about this?
I tried to help at a pharmacy before and i enjoyed interacting with patients and getting medicaments but i did not choose it because of these thoughts :
1 - medecine is considered “better”
2 - studying pharmacy is different than working , and i’m not really interested in chemistry
3 - pharmacy in my country is more paid off , i did not want to choose it just for money
Reply Fri 16 Jul, 2021 04:20 pm
So you like interacting with patients... have you considered being a technician of some sort, like ultra-sound? There's no ward work! There's no on-call! You're still in a medical field, but your day ends at a certain time. Or some lab-related work?

You don't have to be a doctor. You can be anything. I think you should investigate all the other options available to you. You are you. You're not your parents. And they did say, if I recall correctly, to choose something YOU would like to do.

Medicine may be 'considered better', but if it's too stressful or not what you want, then it's not better for you.

If you're not interested in chemistry, don't go into pharmacy Smile
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Reply Thu 22 Jul, 2021 08:06 pm
I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Maybe what's happening is due to the indirect pressure from your parents ? I think what you need is true motivation.

It's a great thing that you want your parents to be proud of you but remember that being successful is about yourself, not them. They want to be proud of you and I hope they are not doing this to brag about their daughter being a doctor and all ... But studying and working should be for the sake of succeeding in life and having a good life, work and being happy, doing things you love and not just satisfying their parents.

With the right motivations and with aiming to the right goals, you can improve your working habits. Don't push yourself, but study efficiently. Take days off. It's ok to have bad grades sometimes, no one is perfect. Once you find out what you want out of this, you will see things clearly and hopefully you will be happy, and so will your parents be.

Good luck, my friend !
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Reply Thu 22 Jul, 2021 09:50 pm
I think you need a job. You need to learn price of work, it will force you to get better in life. If not you will never fear the lack of money , no fear no motivation to study and get good salary job... Trust me, when you work in low entry jobs and see situation there, you will tell yourself " fk that I am not going to work here for rest of my life " . Guess what? without experience and education YOU WILL HAVE TO. The price of working and earning 11$ hour or less and cleaning stuff will force you to want to be the doctor. There is no other way, it will pressure so much you will get tons of motivation to study and get out of that sinkhole entry lvl job.

Being home for long time is bad, a job will make you socialized. Without job you are spoiled, you know you eat, have money and sleep thats it. Why do you need to get good job or study when you have it all ? Long shifts... Yelling manager.... Jerk coworkers... low pay etc will put pressure on you so you won't be bored no more. Trust me, being in 4 walls locked in is bad for everything. You don't have motivation because you don't have a job. Job will teach all about competition, motivation, and all that.

Your family has money yes BUT when you EARN your own it feels different. You will see trust me. You are not failure, I failed classes online this year and wasted my money into it.. so if you are failure what am i? even worse right? but I have a job also so I can repay it and get this classes again with my own money. You feel bad because they pay for your college not you, and you failed it, their money.

Trust me, get a light job for now and it will motivate you. You definitely ARENT a failure. Failures are drug addicts who waste their parents money in centers just to drug themselves again, those are real failures.

Your parents push you to college because they know price of education. They have worked in low pay jobs, your dad I am sure knows about it all. Thats why he has money now. He became ambitious because he had to work in those entry lvl jobs where everything sucks, so he knows price of it and he doesn't want same to happen to you. Your mom also doesn't want her daughter to be cleaning toilets somewhere. They do this because they know once they get old and can't work no more... Who is going to give you money? Are you going to work in food chain for 11$ an hour for rest of your life ?
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Reply Sun 1 May, 2022 09:28 am
You must change your attitude first. Make a strong belief in your abilities and continuously work for your dreams. You don't fear failures that are the way to victory.
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