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Is he financially cheating?

 
 
Snowed
 
Reply Tue 22 Jun, 2021 07:35 am
My husband and I have been together some 20 years and since we got together we have kept separate bank accounts. When we got married we didn't join all the funds in to one but we set up a joint account for bills and things. I find it funny how when he says he doesn't have money he can always go out and buy things. He has this saying, "just because I say I don't have any money doesn't mean I'm broke." We're both working from home and normally he'll get up and drive to McDonald's for a cup of coffee. He likes lattes. Yesterday I noticed that he was hanging around the house longer than usual. I asked him was he going to get coffee and he said no because he's broke because his membership fees to his gym automatically came out of his account. Ok, I didn't think anything of it. This morning he wakes and leaves the house. When he came back he had several bags from Walmart along with his coffee. He had bought a few things. Some cucumbers to snack on. Some sugar, tea bags, shaving cream and a few other items. When I saw the bags I questioned him saying, "I thought you said you were broke?" Again he said, "just because I say I'm broke doesn't mean I don't have any money." Does he have another source of income coming in that I don't know about? Sometimes we'll even get into an argument about it and he'll say something to the extent of, "I wish you would stay out of my bank account. I don't question you about yours!" Should I be concerned that he's doing something on the side to make extra money that I don't know about? Several years ago I discovered that he had a credit card that I didn't know about. He said that he had had it for a while and he just applied to see if he could get approved. He said he was just saving it for a rainy day like a car repair or something. Should I be concerned?
 
engineer
 
  3  
Reply Tue 22 Jun, 2021 07:55 am
@Snowed,
You two set up this scheme so that you could have mad money without being accountable to the other person, right? Now you want to be involved? Maybe you should be. If he is getting into financial trouble you will likely be on the hook as well, but so far that is not what you are describing. I think this type of separate account approach invites distrust (much like you are showing) but let's start at the highest level. Can you tell us the answers to these questions?

- Is he contributing his fair share to the household?
- If he was doing something on the side to make money, would that in some way abrogate your agreement? Is he supposed to contribute more if he makes more?
- Buying toiletries and food items doesn't break the bank, are there major purchases you are concerned about?
- Are you two spending time together or are you concerned that he is off spending money on someone else?

I think you may have the concern backwards here. You are not describing extravagant spending, perhaps the opposite. He is concerned about going out for coffee? He might be facing a reduction in income, maybe due to the pandemic or other reason and he doesn't want to tell you.
Snowed
 
  1  
Reply Tue 22 Jun, 2021 08:27 am
@engineer,
- Is he contributing his fair share to the household?

The bills are getting paid. We have divided them up.

- If he was doing something on the side to make money, would that in some way abrogate your agreement? Is he supposed to contribute more if he makes more?

No, we both from time to time get OT on our jobs so as long as there's money in the account for bills there's not a problem.

- Buying toiletries and food items doesn't break the bank, are there major purchases you are concerned about?

Nope, no major purchases but when he says he doesn't have any money I take that to mean he has no funds in his account.

- Are you two spending time together or are you concerned that he is off spending money on someone else?

We spend most of our time together other than when he's out running an errand or hanging with his family.
engineer
 
  2  
Reply Tue 22 Jun, 2021 09:32 am
@Snowed,
When he says "I don't have any money" it could mean "I don't have any extra money" but he still has budgeted money for essentials. If he normally does have extra money, maybe you should ask if something is wrong but honestly it sounds like everything is working as it should. He is managing his expenses, cutting back when he needs to, prioritizing what he wants to buy, not going on crazy buying sprees, contributing to the joint account, etc. I can see why after 20 years he is a little irritated that you are questioning him about his spending. When he comes home with a motorcycle and says he can't help with the mortgage, that's the time to ask questions.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 22 Jun, 2021 12:13 pm
@Snowed,
I think he should do whatever he wants.

You made a deal with him to keep separate bank accounts and now you want to renege too bad.

And you did state that you have kept separate bank accounts for 20 years so it is clear you had no issue with this so cannot renege.

So your solution is to question him about his spending and his bank account when over 20 years this has worked out fine - so you should renege so you can be happier? BS!

Curious how you discovered his credit card? Sounds like you are a snooper and do not trust your husband and after 20 years.
0 Replies
 
Jobens32
 
  0  
Reply Fri 25 Jun, 2021 11:13 pm
@Snowed,
Yes should be a warned..! I he did not tell you first place, until you find out regarding the credit card.you should know.
0 Replies
 
 

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