Wife can't get it together

Joji.. Do you want to get away from your wife so that you can find someone more compatible? In my opinion, if you are looking or thinking about another compatible partner right now, it sure is a recipe for disaster. May be right now you should only focus on you and your wife and not the "compatible one" who is not a part of your life yet.

Hi,
I would definitely take a break if we got a divorce. what I am asking is should i stay or should I give her another chance to pull it together. If I do seperate than I will take a long time before I start looking for Mrs Right again. I am just curious from people that are divorced. If you are in a marriage should you keep working on it with all these issues or would I be happier trying to meet someone new eventually who would be more compatable. I defintely know now that I am older what is more important to me in a relationship instead of the mushy gooshy feeling you get at the beginning
thanks

When you got married, didn't you stand up and repeat vows? Didn't you promise to stay with your wife in good times as well as bad? Is your word "no good"? Don't you have the integrity it takes to keep those promises you made in front of God and everybody?

Don't get me wrong...sometimes there is no alternative left but divorce. But only as a last resort -- after you've done everything you can possibly do to save the marriage.

I don't think you're there yet.

I think you're just looking for an easy out, imagining there might be an easier relationship out there. I doubt it, though. ALL relationships have their problems. So stop daydreaming and get to work.

(signed) Been There, Done That

Re: Wife can't get it together

Re: Wife can't get it together


Firstly dinsa, a word to the wise. It is never a good idea to give out your email address in a public forum. I noticed you have done this twice in your 3 total posts. You could just be inviting trouble into your front door.

Secondly, I think joji is a smart enough man to know that sending and receiving private emails right now regarding his personal relationship and thus exposing his email address to someone he doesn't know could also rain disaster upon him.

Just my

I think joji you are wanting us to make this decision for you....
which I dont think anyone of us really want to do.

I think maybe you need to ask yourself what you would do, if you were'nt married to her and then sort out the reasons why.

Stay? Go?

Neither choice comes with a guaranteed happy ending.

I searched your posts to see where you mentioned "love" and came up with these:

"I am a extremly ambitious and motivated entrepeneur. When I met my wife she said she had big dreams. She wanted to be very successfull and has a lot drive to go for things. This is a big reason why we fell in love. we had alot in common. but as time went by I realized it is all talk. she has been flaundering from job to job."

"We have been fighting for a long time because I am not sure if I love her anymore because the person she said she is never happende or is happening."

"I fell in love with my wife because she said she was ambitious. I found out she is not."

"He feels that she heard that I am extremly ambitious and said she was to so I would fall in love so she would have sucurity. Now that I look back she was so needed I always fell suffocated all the time for the first years and a half. "

Do you actually LOVE your wife or is it all about ambition and her lack thereof? Are you saying you fell in love with the person you expected her to become and not the real her, at the time you decided to get married? I wonder if she too finds you less than perfect or a disappointment in that she did not expect to be intimidated by someone who loves (?) her. I guess the real question you have to ask yourself is, do you really love this woman who is your wife. Ambition and jobs and schooling and procrastinating and all that stuff is annoying sure but if you two cannot even sit down and truly TALK to each other as partners about this and make real decisions and share real feelings, then perhaps communication is what needs to be worked on.

I am a firm believer that relationships are all about give and take and needs to be continuously worked on, but if you two cannot even look at each other and find love in your hearts for each other then perhaps there is no reason to go on together.

You fell in love with her because of her ambitions? I dont belive that. You fall in love with the person, because of the way she is, as a person, not a business partner. What has carreer got to do with it? If you really love her it shouldnt matter if she is a successful business owner or a waitress.

Sure she did. She wanted an ambitious partner. Be careful if you move onto another love in your life. She might be more ambitious and leave you behind. :wink:

Re: Wife can't get it together
lady j please be so kind to remove my email from your post.

Re: Wife can't get it together


Consider it done, girlfriend!

I think you should leave your wife--for her sake. I don't think she can ever "pull it together" in any manner that will satisfy you. So long as you don't think she's good enough for you--she never will be. You will find a million ways to tear her apart piece by piece. She will be far, far better off emotionally and mentally without you. She could probably accomplish a whole lot more in her life if she didn't have to bear the weight of this toxic relationship on her shoulders.

Well well well.. Joji, when you embark upon a relationship (love, marriage whatever), one of the key factors that produce the relationship is compatibility. When you got engaged with your wife, you were drawn to her because of dreams etc. Now, a bit of personal note: I have just started college life and the person whom I am on most intimate terms is a girl who has interests very similar to me- ambitious, reading, writing etc.
Yet, some days back, a rift developed between us- they were some natures of hers entirely unknown that revealed themselves in a most shocking manner. I just didn't like her at that time. Yet, we are together again.
I gave it a thought – I cannot expect everybody to be exactly like me. Its good that we many things in common. Its really wonderful we are entirely different in many aspects- that provides colour to life.
Since then, I have instructed myself to accept others the way they are. It’s a lot easier; believe me, than to act as a revolutionary granny who wants to put all things in apple pie order.
Moreover, no one is perfect so to say. They will commit mistakes, all kinds of them. Joji, is it practical to wash your hands off someone (a wife at that) just because she has some infallibilities that frustate you. What if your sister was like that? Wouldn't you be patient with her? Because it's your wife (suppose it was your sister) who's on the wrong and because marriage has been made so brittle in the present scenario that you can think so easily of divorce.
Its not that I don't have an idea what you are going through. I can understand how vexation has besieged you and anger has encaged you. I have read all your posts and am really sorry for you.
A word of philosophy here joji its absolutely impractical to think of divorce unless your wife is a mental case (that made you laugh I guess). You said she is a nice person- so joji things aren't that bad. "Sigh" she is a nice person- just repeat that to your self. I repeat- if she's nice person on the whole just lost in the maze of life things can get better.
1. Stop hating her because of superficial things like procrastination, lack of motivation. Career success is important but it’s a lot better to have a loving wife than a one who's ever busy with office projects.
2. Love her for her positive qualities. Enlist all the good things about her personality. Just find out what makes her a unique individual. Tell her you love her for all the good things about her. Wait here … I am not trying to be a psychologist, mind you.
3. It is evident there are certain things about you that she is uncomfortable with. Talk it out. Ask her which of your traits trouble her. If she opens up, try to ponder over this and think what you can do to change.
4. Now, tell her that you would really love her if she tried changing for the positive. Assure her you will change too. When you talk of her inadequacies, please make her feel good and pray don't talk of her inability to achieve goals. I mean to say you discuss any personal problems if you have.
5. On to your favourite subject…..GOALS. Encourage her; tell her she can do what she wants. Please suggest her to log on to the following websites: goal-setting-guide, goals and motivation, mind power news. There are many others, I will find out and inform. (Sorry, I could not type the direct links- I think that’s inappropriate on this forum)
6. Why not sit down and set joint goals- what do you want to be as a family- and hey I am reminded of a book 7 habits of highly effective families. For God's sake, please read that book. Ok I was talking about joint goals- if you share a dream with your loved one the relationship turns stronger. Besides, set your individual goals and discuss how each one of you can contribute to each other's individual goals.
Joji, cool…….life is like that. I don't know if my reflections will bear any fruit for you. Keep them if you like and ignore them if you feel so. The very reason I posted here (I usually don't on personal problems) is because I deeply identified with your problem and felt a personal inclination towards you. Honestly! I am very gregarious and optimist kind and can't see relationships collapsing. That’s it.
Last word, its your life and you will have to take the final decision. We (a2k people) are just surfing the net for fun and sometimes stumble upon people like you and try to help. So, don't actually trust any advice here to a great extent.

Re: Wife can't get it together


Firstly dinsa, a word to the wise. It is never a good idea to give out your email address in a public forum. I noticed you have done this twice in your 3 total posts. You could just be inviting trouble into your front door.

Secondly, I think joji is a smart enough man to know that sending and receiving private emails right now regarding his personal relationship and thus exposing hisemail address to someone he doesn't know could also rain disaster upon him.

Just my [/quote]lady j please be so kind to remove my email from your post.[/quote]
its really foolish to disclose your email

Re: Wife can't get it together

thanks my sweat lady j