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How to reject a man without hurting him if you are staying at his place

 
 
Reply Thu 27 May, 2021 05:17 am
Hello!

I recently met a man on a dating website, but we met each other in real life only after 2-3 months. He was very nice and never tried to seduce me to sleep with me. Most of our conversations were about work, as I am a foreigner in his country and in search for a job right now.

I had to leave my rented apartment recently and as I wait for the responses of some companies in this city and in other cities, I can't rent a new apartment right now, because I don't know in which city I will get a job.

As my situation is uncertain for now, he offered that I could stay at him for 2-3 weeks. In the beginning, when we had first met, he had told me that he would like to be with me and I had told him that I didn't think that we were compatible (I have no feelings for him). I accepted with the condition that I pay him and he wouldn't expect that we'd make love. He didn't accept that I pay him for such a short period of time and it's been 2nd week now that I've been living at his place.

He didn't try to touch me and seduce me. But as we get along very well, joking, laughing, cooking, watching series in the evenings, we became closer. I think he's a great guy and he would be a great partner for a serious relationship/family (that's what I want but not sure with him or someone else). Last night we couldn't resist and made love. BUT I THINK I AM NOT INTERESTED TO CONTINUE to sleep on his bed with him and make love.

I still wait for the response of 2 companies in this city and can't leave his place immediately (also it would be weird if I left immediately now). And I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE to not be weird and to not hurt his feelings. After all, I am not sure if he has feelings for me or he just tries things. And I think I can't imagine myself to be in a long term serious relationship with him. He is at work now, and I don't know if should continue sleep in his bed or on the couch like I was doing it till last night. And how to tell him that I don't want to sleep in his bed and make love without hurting his feelings? WHAT SHOULD I DO?
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 27 May, 2021 05:29 am
Well, you let yourself down by compromising your own standards.

You need to let him know that where the relationship went is not how it’s going to be in the future. Do you have courage to do that?

Advice: 1. Buy yourself a blowup bed and use that for yourself. 2. Don’t stay one more day than you agreed upon - in fact move to a hotel asap. 3. Learn not to have a sexual relationship with someone you really don’t care for. It will get you into trouble in the future if you don’t keep your own standards.

ninafred
 
  1  
Reply Thu 27 May, 2021 05:37 am
@PUNKEY,
Thanks for your comment.
You are right I should move to another place as soon as possible. He told me that I could stay 1 month (till 15th of June) because later his student cousin will come from another city, but I want to move this weekend (at the end of 2nd week).

He thinks that from now on I won't sleep on the couch. He expects me to continue sleeping on his bed (I understood from his words of last night) because we made love. So I think about how to refuse to sleep with him gently this evening. I'm sure he'll find it weird but I made a mistake by sleeping with him. Also, I slept with him because he was so nice that I was telling myself maybe I could be together with him. Compatibility on bed is very important to me in relationships. And I didn't feel compatible with him unfortunately.
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jespah
 
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Reply Thu 27 May, 2021 05:45 am
@ninafred,
Whoo doggie, this is a mess.

A few things:
  • Sleeping in this guy's bed is a rather clear signal that you want to have sex. If you don't want to, then get out of his bed, full stop.
  • Living with him this way is utterly bass ackwards when it comes to starting a relationship. You skipped over way too many things.
  • You need to move out. Yesterday. Yeah, yeah, I know you're waiting to hear on jobs, etc. Then borrow money from your parents or sleep on a different friend's couch or get a hotel room.
  • You are probably becoming closer because he's (I bet) the only game in town for you. The same is likely true for him. You need to make other friends and go out with them. It doesn't have to be to bars but you need to build a life beyond him. Even if for some reason you end up together (and from my perspective that's a lousy idea), you need a life outside him. Yeah, yeah, I know you're waiting to hear on jobs, etc. I am not asking you to make lifelong pals. I am, instead, suggesting that you befriend people at the gym or the grocery store-- something, anything. You're not searching for a soulmate; you're looking for someone to go to the movies with.
  • And if you can't find a movie buddy, you can go alone. Yes, really. There's nothing you want to see? Then find whatever you dislike the least and/or it stars someone you like. It may surprise you. And if the area has a movie house that shows older stuff, then go see The Princess Bride or Star Wars or whatever, even if you've already seen it 50 times. Why? Because it'll get you out of the house for a few hours, particularly during prime dating time. It will give you something to do that isn't related to him. And if you move elsewhere, you're going to have to figure out that place anyway, so if you do this, you're going to know what to do in the next place.


You don't have to sleep with this guy. But recognize that he may be expecting it in lieu of rent. So get $ together and pay your own way.

And keep applying for jobs so you can get out of this situation ASAP.
ninafred
 
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Reply Thu 27 May, 2021 06:05 am
@jespah,
Thanks for your comment.

Yes I also feel like it's become a mess Smile
He took me to a good restaurant last Monday and invited me to go to the cinema and to go his native city/countryside at the weekend where his mom and grandma lives (not to introduce us to each other, but just for changing ideas, enjoying the nature). Because I spend all my days in the apartment by searching for a job, and he sees that I feel desperate and sad about it sometimes. I know he doesn't do those things to sleep with me. He's a nice person.
We had sex only because I wanted it too.
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