Husband having an infatuation

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Let me start by giving a background..

I am married for almost 10 years now. It has been a smooth sailing marriage. My husband is a responsible gentleman and treats me well. We have a great marriage.

Sometime back, we came to meet one of his cousin's wife. She is very good looking and if you ask me I'd say very charming. My husband is infatuated by her. How do I know? I know him quite well to tell this by the difference in his behavior when she is around.

As I said, he is a very responsible gentleman. I know quite well, he will not run after his feelings at all. This infatuation will not change his feeling towards me either. He will continue loving me unconditionally. But I am disturbed. Should I just forget about it or talk to him? Anyone been there before?

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Don't worry. Most men are infatuated with other women during their marriage, but nothing comes of it - especially when you know your husband is a responsible gentleman. Your worries are unfounded.

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Infatuation is only a temporary thing, as it has no true foundation. What you have between each other is founded upon a true foundation, thus permanent. I don't think there is anything to worry about, but I do believe in communicating the way you feel towards your husband, as to keep it inside bounded forever will only create furthur problems.

I have no real first hand accounts with this since I am niether married nor have a significant other at the moment, but I do understand these feelings as they are a natural occurance in all degrees and mannerism of a relationship between to adjoining parties.

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Why not approach this issue, head on, with your husband? In a lighthearted manner, you might want to make a remark, like, "You look like you really are tuned in to..................."!

Be upbeat, and try not to make a big deal of it. Instead of being the opponent, relate as a "co-conspirator". "Yeah, I certainly can understand how you feel. She is one teriffic gal. Your cousin is one lucky fella. If I were a guy, etc."

If you have good communication with your husband, a little talk, friendly and non-confrontational, just may help to make you more comfortable, and defuse the situation. If he is able to talk to you about his feelings, and you behave in a non-judgmental way, it will only make your marriage stronger.

Oh, and welcome to A2K!

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Phoenix - If they, as nilofer says have a great marriage, and she's sure in her assessment he won't follow his feelings. I'm not so sure approaching her husband would be a good idea.

I have been infatuated with a certain man for quite a few years now, someone my husband knows.

I have absolutely no intention of it going anywhere, I doubt this man would be interested in me anyway, and I have the type of marriage that infidelity just won't happen.

This infatuation is a harmless fantasy for me. A private thing that is fun and pleasurable. I'm quite sure reality would ruin it.

I don't know if Kirk senses this or not, but if he does, he has the good sense not to mention it. It would be so embarrassing to me, and feel like some secret little pleasure was taken away.

I think we all deserve a little something that's just a teeny bit wicked.

Nilofer, if you say you have faith in him, why are you disturbed?

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Why are you so focused on this? Don't you ever look at a hot man? Yes, you should let it go. Unless he starts doing things that relate to courtship (flowers, letters, phone calls, etc.) I'd let it drop. A little flirting is healthy, provided you are not standing right there and it stays at "innocent" flirting.

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There are only two reasons that I can think of why his infatuation would bother you.

Either it lowers your self esteen or you think it's inappropiate within the tenets of your marriage vows.

If it's the first, you have two choices. Either you can say nothing and try to bolster your self esteem or you can discuss your discomfort with him.

If it's the second you can change your moral guidelines....or you can discuss your discomfort with him.

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I'm with Chai Tea on this one, because most of us have some kind of infatuation with the opposite sex during our marriage. Nothing really comes of it. It's just one of those fantisies of life that eventually disappears from our mind, because we know we will not act on it in any way.

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Bella Dea wrote:

Why are you so focused on this? Don't you ever look at a hot man? Yes, you should let it go. Unless he starts doing things that relate to courtship (flowers, letters, phone calls, etc.) I'd let it drop. A little flirting is healthy, provided you are not standing right there and it stays at "innocent" flirting.

I thought about you last night (well, not in THAT way) Embarrassed

I was watching the Actors Workshop with James Lipton, and last night's guest was Johnny Depp.

I don't know what it is about him, but boy oh boy, now there's eye candy!

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He is F-ing hot, that's what's about him....Yowzer!

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Re: Husband having an infatuation

nilofer wrote:

Let me start by giving a background..

I am married for almost 10 years now. It has been a smooth sailing marriage. My husband is a responsible gentleman and treats me well. We have a great marriage.

Sometime back, we came to meet one of his cousin's wife. She is very good looking and if you ask me I'd say very charming. My husband is infatuated by her. How do I know? I know him quite well to tell this by the difference in his behavior when she is around.

As I said, he is a very responsible gentleman. I know quite well, he will not run after his feelings at all. This infatuation will not change his feeling towards me either. He will continue loving me unconditionally. But I am disturbed. Should I just forget about it or talk to him? Anyone been there before?

red flag red flag Embarrassed

you better talk to him about it at least he will know that you noticed and will not push things futher.

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Re: Husband having an infatuation

nilofer wrote:

Let me start by giving a background..

I am married for almost 10 years now. It has been a smooth sailing marriage. My husband is a responsible gentleman and treats me well. We have a great marriage.

Sometime back, we came to meet one of his cousin's wife. She is very good looking and if you ask me I'd say very charming. My husband is infatuated by her. How do I know? I know him quite well to tell this by the difference in his behavior when she is around.

As I said, he is a very responsible gentleman. I know quite well, he will not run after his feelings at all. This infatuation will not change his feeling towards me either. He will continue loving me unconditionally. But I am disturbed. Should I just forget about it or talk to him? Anyone been there before?

red flag red flag Embarrassed

you better talk to him about it at least he will know that you noticed and will not push things futher.

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Re: Husband having an infatuation

nilofer wrote:

Let me start by giving a background..

I am married for almost 10 years now. It has been a smooth sailing marriage. My husband is a responsible gentleman and treats me well. We have a great marriage.

Sometime back, we came to meet one of his cousin's wife. She is very good looking and if you ask me I'd say very charming. My husband is infatuated by her. How do I know? I know him quite well to tell this by the difference in his behavior when she is around.

As I said, he is a very responsible gentleman. I know quite well, he will not run after his feelings at all. This infatuation will not change his feeling towards me either. He will continue loving me unconditionally. But I am disturbed. Should I just forget about it or talk to him? Anyone been there before?

red flag red flag Embarrassed

you better talk to him about it at least he will know that you noticed and will not push things futher.

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I think "infatuation" is a strong word. The implication is that he is thinking about her all the time. If this were the case it would certainly affect his relationship with you. I am confident (based on what you have said) that "infatuation" is not the case.

A couple of years ago, my son had a fourth grade teacher I was very attracted to. I am a responsible gentleman and I am in love with my wife.. I was very careful not to let this affect my relationship with my wife and I certainly did not dwell on it and would never act on it.

However, when I was around this woman (I go to student conferences and such with all my kids) I felt a little uncomfortable, I guess it was noticeable.

My wife talked to me about this. She simply said something like - "You are uncomfortable around this woman, I think that you are attracted to her (I forget the exact words)". I responded honestly, that I was... that it made me a bit uncomfortable and that I loved my wife and would never do anything to jeopordize our marriage.

This was great. It got things out in the open. It was more communication (which is always good in a healthy marriage). My wife was able to tell me what worried her, and I was able to reassure her.

I suggest openness. I would use the word "attraction" rather than the word "infatuation", I think feeling a sense of attraction to other people will happen from time to time in a marriage. I would feel a bit attacked with the word "infaturation".

Good luck.

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Thanks to all of you.. I feel so relieved to know it's only natural.

ebrown_p, I agree with you.. may be infatuation is a strong word. I would say attracted. He is a little uncomfortable around her or when he is on the phone with her. His cousin and his wife live in a separate city than us. We met sometime back at a marriage. So, we don't get to interact much, other than over the phone. But I am sure, if I talk about it, he would be embarrased. I don't want to do that to him.

Panzade.. you are right. I think I am disturbed because it did hurt my self-esteem a bit. I don't know why it should though, because I am termed very attractive by my friends, co-workers, family.. I guess it's because it is my husband and I am a little jealous that I don't have his entire attention.

Moral.. no that is not the case. Attraction is spontaneous. You cannot do much about it. But persuing it while married is against the moral. He is well within his limits and I am so proud of him for that Smile

cicerone_imposter,Chai tea.. thanks for the perspective. I guess I am going to stick with your advice. I would not want him to find out that I know. I better go get attracted to someone to take this out of my head Smile

Again, thanks all. I really found this forum helpful.

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I'm listening to the first poster.

Many of us have been there, as the infatuated one or the noninfatuated one.

If this happens once or twice and passes with everybody happy, no big deal. If it keeps happening, something is rumbling.

His infatuations may not change his feelings towards you, you say... but it is the arrangement of attraction to sexy outsiders versus homemama, sexy or boring, that becomes a framework.

Homemama isn't necessarily boring and sexy outsiders can look like only trouble city.

I don't really have advice, except pay attention.

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I can't add to the advice; so many great things have been said. I'll just offer that, while people have mentioned it's completely normal for him to have this attraction, it's also completely normal to feel the way you do. When we love someone, they have the ability to hurt us even by the smallest, inadvertant action. You feel a little insecure and that's okay; it may get to you more than it should and that is also okay.

I'll also say that I can't remember a time when I didn't get at least a little clammy around a beautiful woman...

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As the years pass, you will learn to trust each other more. That's the importance of a good marriage. My wife lets me go on independent vacations without her, and even provides transportation to and from home to the airport. I'm not sure many spouses would allow it. Wink

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c.i. - Do you think she suspects about us?

what terminal shall I meet you at?

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if u know he won't go off with her and his feelings for u won't change,why worry?Let it go...

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Husband having an infatuation

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