How hard is the first year of marriage?

Harmony is not an accident.

Noddy24 - I don't know if we will have children or not. I would maybe like to one day - or maybe not, I don't know, I change my mind about it. I know that I would need to feel like we are financially stable before I would feel like I want to have any children. I took a few of the suggestions and asked my husband about splitting the bills and putting the money left into our seperate accounts and it was not a welcome suggestion. It is a sore subject right now, I never wanted to be the breadwinner, and he never wanted me to either. Unfortunately, while I went to college after highschool, he went to the military for a career, but changed his mind after going to Iraq, so now he is starting over. And the finances would be my priorty, but it doesn't seem like there is any way to solve that problem, and his priority is sex. He is unhappy with our sex life, which is another topic entirely.

Generalizations are dangerous, but in my experience career army types tend to think of themselves as Real Men with very traditional ideas masculine and feminine chores and duties.

Your disagreements: money, household chores, etc. seem to be centered on traditional/non-traditional lines.

I'd suggest some marital counseling for the two of you. Suggest to your husband that you want to consult with someone who can be objective about your problems.

If he's unhappy about sex, he's going to use this as a "reason" not to explore any other area of difficulty. Probably in this day and age it is easier for him to talk about sex than to talk about money--particularly since the money issue is probably complicating your sex lives.

LOL He has traditional ideas about chores and duties only when it is convenient for him. You don't think that going to a counselor after only 4 months of marriage means that we have a doomed marriage? He is leaving soon to work out of the country for a month, maybe being apart for a month will make us appreciate each other more.

noddy you are so insightful its amazing.

bean, after four months things are going to tough esp given your hubby is starting over, that is never easy. however, when mr. d and i first met, he was making more than me. he put me through grad school and now i make more. it was hard in the beginning being that he is a texan and we all know how they can be he struggled with the fact that i made more money, but i kept telling him, i wouldn't be here without you (as in support both financially and emotionally through grad school). once he finally understood and actually believed it, his inability at dealing with me making more money has morphed into his pride in helping me be a better breadwinner for our family.

i guess that is what it boiled down to for us, doing whatever was in the best interest of our family and then learning together how to deal with it.

i am gonna guess too that his concern for sex is
1. because he is 27 and that's all he can think about (much like mr. d who is also 27).
2. its the one thing he can control right now and feel extremely masculine about (or the traditional masculine role since being the breadwinner is gone for the moment he is trying to make up for that inadequacy feeling through sex)

that's another thing i noticed too, since mr. d and i stepped up the sex life, his concern over finances and money etc has pretty much disappeared along with his inadequacy feelings about making less money. he still has his moments as do i about money but all in all those arguments are pretty much over and he is proud that he could make such a huge contribution to our family's future by helping me through school.

seeing a marriage counselor i think puts you more in the category of, we are going to see to it that our marriage is happy for the rest of our lives not vice versa. to me it means your marriage is going to be a good one of love and trust and commitment to making it a long and happy marriage.

That is totally all he thinks about, or it seems that way. I am supposed to come up with an idea for something that will make me want to have sex more as soon as possible. He keeps asking me if I have thought of anything, and it's not that I don't care, I just honestly can't think of anything.

Why does it all have to be on you? Why can't he think of this magical thing?

ASpoonBean--

Easy but Explosive:

Suggest that you'd like to be wooed and courted. Most women like a little conversation (with or without violin music) before the scene changes to the bedroom.

The first year is a big adjustment to say the least. I am a firm advocate of separate checking accounts for couples as I learned with my lst marriage (husband died in tragic accident after 20 year marriage...I'm on 2nd marriage and 27 years happily I might add). A household account with both contributing equally should be a must, then each have separate checking accounts. This has worked so well with both of my marriages and I was the larger breadwinner with both marriages.

On the other hand, my daughter remarried in 2004 after being divorced for 3 years (18 year 1st marriage...he was severe alcoholic and abusive..she finally had enough). The 2nd husband we thought was a fine upstanding man, yeh right. He absolutely INSISTED that they have a joint account with him paying the bills. She found out that he had taken $24,000 from her after they acquired a new loan on HER property that she had owned for 15 years (he owned nothing but an old truck) and was granted with her 1st divorce to pay on exorbitant credit card bills that he brought to the marriage ($14,000 she agreed to with a verbal agreement that he would repay her should anything happen to the marriage, now he denies that). The other $$$ he wrote out on the joint checking account, granted she should have been more observant as she trusted him TOO MUCH; however, she was going through some tough stuff w/her oldest daughter as she was into drugs. Thank heavens my g'daughter has been drug free almost a year and thriving. Sorry just want you know why I feel that separate accounts are VERY IMPORTANT!

Jespah - the reason it's all up to me is because I'm the one that isn't in the mood 24 hours.

Vaughn - that is a good reason for separate accounts! We looked at our finances though, and if we split the bills he would have no spending money at all. It's not been bothering me as much lately, I miss being able to go shopping for clothes, but I have found ways around my limited amount of spending money. He pays the bills once they come in with our joint account. I have one credit card to my favorite store. If I buy things on that credit card then when the bill comes in the money is taken out of our joint account and not my separate spending account.

Re: thanks
Hi ASpoonBean, i want you to know. i am also in my first year of marriage i am now married a few months. The first three were the hardest for me. Aside for the woman i dated wasn't the same anymore she was always tired drained etc. Which she never was. We talked and talked and i did allot of searching. I concluded is that familiarity breads contempt. Meaning that until now you were single you didn't have to be home on time and he didn't care if you were. Now that you are involved you need to realize that both of you will be accustomed to a certain life and you need to become more aware that its not single life anymore and yes being that you are "responsible" for each other and you now care certain things that didn't bother you before will begin to bother you now.

Secondly i also thought i was the only one when i got married that struggles. I would tell my wife. why doesn't it bother you she somehow knew that the first year of marriage is hard. No one told me. Anyway to make a long story short. I began to speak to close friends and i concluded. that Everyone struggles in their first year. And people don't talk people want everyone to think that they are fine and afraid of realizing that they are normal. struggles range from merging financially to merging with your goals. As long as your mind is focused that we are going to be the best that we can be no matter what you will realize that your marriage will grow immensely.

Keep in touch :wink:

[quote="ASpoonBean"]Thank you for taking time to read/reply to my post. I'm glad to hear that the 1st year of marriage is not supposed to be a breeze. My two closest girl friends also got married in the last 3-6 months and it seems like they are happy as can be with no problems at all, I thought I was the only one and that it was a very bad sign.[/quote][/size]