How hard is the first year of marriage?

It isn't supposed to be, but often is just as you describe. Your expectations have changed, at least in regard to what you use for a home. If the joint bank account was his idea, his expectations have changed too.

Clearly, you didn't post just to see everyone sit around and agree with you. Good. He'll probably be shocked to learn that you haven't been keeping house just because you can't think of another thing to do with your free time. You also didn't ask for advice, but here's some. You are going to have to fill him in on these responsibilities. Be prepared; he isn't going to know what you are talking about.

Also, I don't think that joint bank account is a very good idea, for many reasons. Why not keep it, but designate it "the household expense account" or some such, and make deposits based on income, or some other formula - whatever seems fair to the situation. At the same time, you each set up separate accounts with survivor rights to the spouse. I don't know what would be a fair allocation, but get it nailed down from the beginning.

It seems very unfair that two people could live together for most of a year, and still be surprised like this, but I've no personal experience suggesting it is at all rare.

It's cool that you recognize these things, ASpoonBean; saves me some time figuring out a tactful way to say it.

Those expectations are dumb. Now that you've recognized it, do something about it.

I agree with roger that having some sort of private/ separate accounts is a good way to start. (My husband and I have for 13 years.)

The situation is not desperate, you just need to recalibrate a bit. Talking will help. Be prepared for resentment, though -- while it's probably not all your fault, it sounds like a lot of it is your fault, and it won't be surprising if your husband reacts badly at first. ("But we already agreed...!") Accept responsibility, be proactive, and work on it.

Good luck!

Very good point about bank accounts, Roger!

I've been married for 8 years, and what works best for us is to have a joint bank account (just like Roger said!) for household expenses. We each make deposits based on how much we work & how much money we make. The remainder goes into our separate accounts to spend as we wish.

I'm glad you brought this up, ASpoonBean, since from what I've heard, MANY couples argue over money, yet I hardly ever see money discussions here on the Relationships forum. I've always wondered why.

Many couples do just put their entire paychecks into a joint account, and personally I've always thought that's a bad idea. There are just too many opportunities for fighting over it.

If you have a budget, you can determine how much you need to run the household, then make joint account deposits that are just enough to run the household & save for joint expenses. The remainder is yours.

Also, we base the amount of household work each of us does on how much each person is working at the time. You can make a list of what needs to be done daily, weekly, etc., then divide that list in a little meeting, agreeing on who does what based on hours worked outside the home, plus who does what better. In my case, I mow the lawn, since I like it better, and hubby fixes the cars, since I can't fix anything.

Maybe other couples don't feel the need to formalize these agreements like we have. But we found that just writing this stuff down was all that was needed for both of us to hold up our end of the agreements. Once we sat down & wrote it all down, we never had to refer to our lists again.

Something like saving for a new home, in our case, would be based on a percentage of income, regardless of how much we made. You can create a separate "new home" bank acount and make regular deposits, say 10-20% of income, so you can each see your progress towards your goal each week/month.

It will take an awful lot of talk, no matter what! And good communication will serve you well for your entire marriage.

We were helped a lot by a book called "Fighting for Your Marriage," by Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg. If hubby is willing to go through it with you, you might be surprised how many problems can be solved just by communicating clearly.

As for the first year, from what I've heard, it may be the most difficult year of your entire marriage. This is the time to reach agreement on these major issues, and practically all couples argue over this stuff no matter how much they love each other. Once these issues are agreed upon (and it may take more than a year) things can be much calmer.

Best of luck & happiness to you!

And welcome to A2K!

thanks
Thank you for taking time to read/reply to my post. I'm glad to hear that the 1st year of marriage is not supposed to be a breeze. My two closest girl friends also got married in the last 3-6 months and it seems like they are happy as can be with no problems at all, I thought I was the only one and that it was a very bad sign.

I was curious, if money wasn't such an issue in marriages, what else would there be left to resolve, aside from home responsiblities? Could you give me a common percentage or guess? I know it can be dependent upon the couple, but I would still like a result.

Thanks.

There are plenty of conflicts to resolve.
Aside from money, my guess would be conflicts
over chores, sex, social behavior, children and last not
least very trivial things, that can add up to a huge
mountain.

Appears like marriage is a big undertaking. What are the benefits if there are so many hardships? Aside from the fact that you will have a partner in life.

That's only because none of us like to admit the first 12 months is about adjustment and it's not the prolonged honeymoon of mythology. My first 12 months of marriage was marked with lots of disputation. She went back to her mother at least once (for a week, the peace and quiet was wonderful). We stayed together for 20 years though. So, it's very common and as long as you're not complacent about it (as if anyone could be!) things should work out fine.

Actually the first 12 months can be bliss. I found it much
harder to continue staying married

Borealis, marriage is a commitment and an even
bigger undertaking. Yet it is not only rewarding and
has great benefits to being a couple, with the right
loving partner, there is nothing more satisfying.

The keyword here is the right partner. How do we know whether the choice we make is right or wrong, as there are no definites besides time moving onwards and being taxed?

You know when it feels right Borealis.
On the other hand, the partner who is right for you
today, might not be in 10 years time. There are no
guarantees in a relationship, only hopes.

In marriage, unlike an LTA, you don't have any quick and easy exits when life is not moving smoothly.

The first year is hard because your learning the No Exit rules in a lifetime game.

Do you and your husband plan to have children?

Miss Noddy, I like that term "No Exit Rules" .

Calamity Jane--

Thanks for the kind words.

ASpoonBean--

People talk about a Honeymoon Period, but you and your partner have passed that stage. Neither of is you is apt to give in simply to be agreeable and loving. The two of you are putting energy into a lifetime partnership.

i was surprised to see how many people believe in the separate bank accounts. in my personal opinion (and that's all it is, i have plenty of friends who kept separate accounts so i am definitely not saying it is a horrible thing), my marriage made us a family with all the things that go into it. We have a joint bank account and joint savings account. it is my belief that when you decide to share a life with some one you have to be prepared to share everything.

i make more money than my hubby too, but we deposit both checks into a single account that all bills are paid out of and our own spending is done. i had to pare back my spending on things that i loved to do like manicures/pedicures, new shoes at least once a month, for the greater good of the family. He wanted a pool table so i had to decide whether or not denying him that and fighting over it constantly was worth my shoes. He wanted a bigger yard for future kids and our dog to play in(which meant higher mortgage payments) so i decided that my manicures weren't as important.

you can make it on one bank account but you have to be willing to compromise. he compromised as well, since i let him have the pool table, he now stays at home with his friends instead of spending money out with them (which was pretty much his only spending outside of bills and food). cracks me up that his guys' night out is at our house (which i respectfully hide in the bedroom with the dog for). i know it doesn't sound like much of a compromise on his part but there have been many more.

so i guess it goes back to personal preference. do you want to compromise with your hubby, or do you want separate accounts. while i agree separate accounts are easier, for some reason it symbolizes (to me) a separation in the family. while many say you can be married and still be your own person, which i agree with completely, i don't know i just believe when you say i do, everything you both have now becomes ours, not mine and his. maybe i am just old fashioned or maybe since one day i will be the sole breadwinner, him having a separate account would be redundant since his contribution would no longer be monetary (but probably more important than mine-hats off to all who stay home with the kids, i couldn't do it, i am in awe) i don't know.

i do know one thing, anyone who tells you their marriage is perfect all the time is lying.

We had a shared savings account (past tense because it all went towards the down payment on our house last year), that we both contributed to. We have separate checking accounts for everyday stuff.

How checking accounts are used has evolved. When we first started living together, everything was even-steven, right down the middle. If I temporarily couldn't afford something, he'd give me a loan that I paid back, and vice versa.

By the time we were both making pretty good money, (but that was the demarcation point, not marriage), we simplified things a bit -- for example, we had two phone lines (mine was tty only) and each paid for our own, then one of us paid the ulitilities and one of us paid gas, something like that. We still each paid half of the rent.

At that point I also started putting a lot of money into savings, specifically to have access to it when I became a stay-at-home mom. I did the no-shoe-buying thing then, even though I could afford it at the time, in favor of being able to have some financial freedom later.

Then when I became a stay-at-home mom, I still had some consulting jobs for a while, money went into my account and I didn't touch savings. I stopped paying household bills though (that was a hard adjustment, I felt awful about it and husband had to reassure me about doing an important job with child rearing, yadda yadda), and the money I made went for everyday stuff like groceries, toys for the baby, internet access, etc.

When the last consulting job stopped, that's when I had planned to go to the considerable savings I'd racked up, but we'd gone for more than a year without touching it at that point and wanted to see if we could go longer. We'd started to think of it as a potential down payment on a house (plus the interest was not that significant but still nice.) My husband travels a lot for his job and typically pays for hotel and plane himself, and then gets reimbursed. He started handing over his reimbursement checks to me, which was another big adjustment.

That's how we've handled it since -- I occasionally make money from something (and just started making money more regularly again), and handle everything from my own checking account, and let him know if I'm running low. For now, he pays the bills -- when I start making real money again at some point, that will probably adjust. We're both rather freakily thrifty, which helps (in that we both are).

All of that is not a treatise on the right way to do it, just one example of how it can be done, even when one parent is not working. Has worked pretty well for us.

I for one would agree with seperate bank accounts with another account for both of you to use on household things etc.

Am I wrong in thinking that if your married your supposed to be ok with your partner spending your money,your in the marriage together, wouldnt you want them to feel as tho they can share?

I for one would agree with seperate bank accounts with another account for both of you to use on household things etc.

Am I wrong in thinking that if your married your supposed to be ok with your partner spending your money,your in the marriage together, wouldnt you want them to feel as tho they can share?

I've been married for 13 years (to another member of A2K, actually ). All of the money is in common. It's always been this way and neither of us see the need to change it.

I also make more $$, but only when I'm working. And I've had 2 long-term (as in three years each time!) unemployments. So any financial inequalities are long gone. It's the same pool for us. When we need stuff, we just buy it, but then again neither of us have expensive tastes and we're not terribly materialistic. We both work hard, with lots of overtime. I'd say the only area where we really splurge is buying gifts, either for each other or for the family.

Chores tend to be divided along the lines of who does what better. We've found it's more or less even. We also do a number of things together. This arrangement has served us well over the years. When one of us (usually me) isn't working, that person picks up more of the household work. If we're both working overtime (that's happened a lot this year), the house goes to hell and we get takeout. No one gets upset if the house can't pass the white glove inspection.

Our marriage is good but that's due to years of living together and working together on, well, on making it work. Were the first years perfect? Not really. We had lived together for 2 1/2 years before we were married and I was in the midst of my first long unemployment jag. Money was tight. We were in a small apartment. Then we moved -- 3 times! -- first to a larger apartment (in Rhode Island), then to a teeny tiny place where you had to go outside to change your mind (in Massachusetts) and then we moved into the house where we are now (also Mass., we had started off on Long Island). None of this was easy. I also started a job where I was on the road 200 days every year. I did that for a couple of years.

So things were good but didn't actually kick into high gear until, hmm, 1997 or so. We were married in 1992. What kept us together those first five years? I think love (I feel a song coming on ) and mutual respect. We were both pulling for the same goal, we were both in it together, and while it wasn't easy, we were not going at cross-purposes and we weren't alone.

Hence I think the way to approach it is being in the same boat, and wanting the same things. Everyone has different emphases. My need for nice curtains in the TV room is not shared by my husband. His need for a new basketball is not shared by me. Hey, we're individuals.

But other things can be shared. So you sit, and you talk, and you work it out. Part of it may be expectations as to how clean the apartment should be, or how exhausting school is versus work. If you need to write up a schedule, or a list of chores, then do it. Your husband may be surprised at how much goes into making everything tick. He may be totally unaware unless you tell him. So tell him. Show him, e. g. cleaning the rugs means carrying them (and they're heavy) to the dry cleaner, not just a little light sweeping and beating them on the side of the house -- or whatever.

And consider what's important to you, and pick your battles, as they say. If a clean house is a priority, then work on that. If the finances are a priority, then work on that. Don't say they are both priorities. They are, but they probably aren't equivalent. Think about what irks you the most, and what you can let slide. Rank these things, in your head or on paper, whatever works for you. If the finances are bugging you the most, talk about them now -- and think about your own needs and desires. Are you putting new shoes ahead of saving for a home? That's your prerogative, but it's probably not going to go over so well. You will need to, much of the time, put your joint needs ahead of your individual needs. Otherwise, it's very hard to stay a couple, yes?