Is he being too unreasonable, harsh? What can I do?

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For more than a year he has been grinding into me, complaining, arguing to me every weekend, I remember last Feb before lockdown he said I didn't take the stuff from the garage properly when I had to take fill up the car 4 times and go and come back and he kept getting aggressive towards me.

There was a time every day he was getting angry and complaining.

He just complains and gets angry that my room is untidy, everything needs decorating, he says I need a new mattress, new bed when in fact it is new and the duvet will cover. He says what if people see. Its not really messy, its just clothes on the floor, papers under my bed and no one if anyone will really come in the summer that's what I say.

Then he says chuck the papers away which are very important.

He keeps saying need new mattress, this, that, chuck all the books, papers which are very important.

My sister is thinking about getting married in the next 18 months, however the family won't really come until lockdown is over and my room can be cleaned. Its not even a mess, just some clothes on the floor and he keeps telling me to throw all the papers away.

He continues to complain that if people look at my room, I need a new mattress when it is fine, I need a new bed when it is new anyway and looks new, nothing wrong with it. He says my room need decorating, he says I need to chuck the papers under my bed away.

Even if I do clean, there could be something else he will complain about. Then he says we do not do things and we do things in the house when we do. He doesn't seem grounded or organised to me. He says we do not paint when we do, so we paint every week? We have general knowledge.

He says we do not help out when we do and maintain the house and look after the house when we do. Then he says this person does wallpapering, so we do this every week?

Then he says if I do not put rubbish in properly the rubbish guys won't collect.

Then he says we do not look after the house when we do.

He complains about money where he is getting goverment assistance every week, he has two major bank accounts, me and my sister are contributing to bills.

He will get government pension money in 2 years since he is 64 now and my help.

He doens't want me to move out.

Neither does he want to listen, I have money on the side coming in and I've always been in a job through the agency and I wish to start a business and he says don't leave job, when I always found it easy straight away to find a job.

He says marry so she can help around the house, cook.

He doesn't want to listen and he says where get money from, I got no money when its ridiculous. He is ruining my dignity by telling others that when people ask and saying I do not have a relationship, even when I am talking to women which I clearly say 1000 of times, he doesn't listen.

The way he argued and was brutal the other week, he would have ruined my life and his life, does he want that?

And he complains about wear and tear in the house when I said I'll pay $100 IF IT EVER HAPPENS.

I have savings and also money coming in from the side and he says how pay bills when he still also has my sister in the house and he doesn't wish to listen and I keep saying I'll get another job from the agency.

So he is being too unreasonable and I am almost 32.

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@Intellect779,

Pick up the papers from under your bed and put them in a file folder. If you have a filing cabinet, put the folder in there. If not, then put it on top of your desk. No desk? Then put it on top of your dresser. There. Problem solved.

If the papers are so all-fired important, then leaving them under your bed, where they can get dusty or chewed by vermin or moldy or get water damage is the very opposite of what you should be doing. You are treating them like trash, hence your father is telling you to throw the papers out. So put them away if you want him to stop reminding you. Your father is right about that.

He is also right about picking your clothes off the floor. I have a lot of trouble believing you're 32 when that kind of behavior should have ended 15 years ago when you were 17. Same is true of clothes on the floor. Dusty, mold, vermin, water damage? I presume you have a closet or a dresser or both. So use them. Your father is also right about that.

I have no idea if you need a new mattress, but if your mattress is over 15 years old, then by definition you do. Regardless of how you may feel about it. Old mattresses give people backaches and bad sleep. They are also holding pounds (yes, really) of dead dust mites. If your mattress is over a decade and a half old, then he's right about that, too.

If you don't put the trash in the bins properly, then yeah, the garbagemen won't take it. So he's right about that as well.

I am sensing a pattern here.

As for the rest of it - you're a grown man (?) woman (?) and you are entitled to decide on your career. But if you are helping him to pay the bills, then he wants you to be contributing. As for the size of his bank account or whatever, that's immaterial. You have no idea what he's saving that money for, whether it's a new heating system or a car or a vacation or just to be able to will it to you and your sister.

Here's what he's wrong about: yapping to other people about your relationship status. It's none of their business, and it's none of his as well. Don't talk to him about it. If he asks or complains, just say, "It's taken care of. Now, what's for supper?" Quick, easy, and change the subject.

Oh, and by the way, if you're making money and it stinks to live with him, why not just move out?

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@Intellect779,

If you feel he is being unreasonable move out. I agree though with jespah about the papers - why the hell are they under the bed? Important papers belong in a file cabinet so they do not get lost or ruined.

Most adults actually pick up their dirty clothes and put them in a hamper -

My guess - you are acting like a child and thus your dad is treating you as such.

You are 32 - you live in his house so unfortunately even being an adult it is his house. You have options - either move out or clean up and put up with him "grinding" into you.

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@Intellect779,

Thank you both for your replies.

However he still doesn't wish to listen to the income consistently I am getting on the side and tells me not to quit this job to start a business which maybe successful on the same day.

I often forget I am earning income on the side.

Forgetting the fact I'm also earning income on the side and if the worst comes to the worst, I have no problem getting another job through an agency.

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@Intellect779,

A good 70+% of all businesses fail within the first decade.

Do you have a plan for getting money? The number one thing that all startups need is money. Have you investigated if your business would need licensing, insurance, etc.? Can you run it from your home, or is the neighborhood not zoned for that? Ever made a budget?

I work with business owners every single day, and the people with no plans are the ones who fail.

And yeah, you may feel it's gig economy, not a lot of money, you can get paid under the table and evade taxes. If you're successful, then that won't be viable anymore. If you aren't, then your lifestyle won't be sustainable.

If you want to be treated like a responsible adult with viable, smart plans for the future, bursting with potential, then you have got to start acting that way.

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@jespah,

Thanks.

Its not just one plan, 2-3 plans, based on my studies too. I've talked to these people how they got their success, some by network, one by getting the appropriate licensing, putting up a facebook page, getting a website done, marketing well. I have to register with HMRC, I've read some business books, I used to work with the public, and customer service and I've talked to a business coach.

That's why I'm frustrated in his attitude. He keeps worrying but I have an excellent track record of being and getting in jobs. Also combined with studies part time which I've passed.

He says I'm not clever and be clever like others which I do not know what he means, maybe their life situation, which I am success in my own right with earning 2 incomes and studies.

I have saved money and also I'm already earning money on the side, he clearly did not wish to listen to that.

I understand his worries since he isn't in a job, but he keeps worrying about me not getting a job if I quit this one where I know some agencies are a go to for 3 month contractual work and then another one.

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@Intellect779,

For months he complained everyday, all day about money when he:

-Is getting government assistance
-Has two major bank account savings for him
-Getting money from me every week
-Getting money from my sister

-Has mortgage paid off

And in the future

-He will get pension money in the next 2 years as he has worked for around 40 years here
-He'll still get assistance from me

He doesn't seem grounded or organised.

Then he says wear and tear in the house when he hasn't pointed it out. Then he says my room needs decorating when we just had it decorating and he is sometimes brutal saying 'I'll finish you off', that too having helped him for many years.

Also I haven't add the petrol and food money.

You haven't seen his attitude, negativity, but I had to go to the doctors and they said if he threatens, call the police.

I told him to calm down otherwise he will ruin my and his life.

Also he spends the much needed money on lottery where that could be put aside for bills.

He also says be clever, clever like others when I have got an excellent track record of working and also studying in the evening. He compared me with someone lazy and doing an Ebay business when it isn't earning that well his own father says and I said I'm far more successful, so I'm meant to be lazy and not earn?

And he doesn't wish to listen to my income on the side.

We cook for him and do all the chores and he tells me he will finish me and he will kick me out even when giving money, add to that petrol money, food and everything else.

There were times it was brutal and he still doesn't wish to listen to my second source of income and he doesn't want me to move out.

He says I should be like other sons, looking after their father, get a women so she can cook for him etc.

And you could read my last post.

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@Intellect779,

Now he's complaining about getting the bread, this, that when we need it and he saves money.

He says why don't you drink the orange juice when I do when I just brought a lucozade bottle from the shop.

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Nastiness can sometimes be a symptom of Alzheimer's. When did he last have a checkup?

Some of this is shitty communications on both sides. Tell him you do or don't want orange juice before he goes food shopping, or text him while he's there. Or, here's a thought: do the food shopping yourself, and he will shut up about much of that.

If you don't have money saved, start. A few thousand isn't enough. At least 10,000 is where you should be. Have enough to cover yourself for a few months. It's hard to seriously tell someone to be more clever when they have that much of a cash cushion.

And what I wrote before still stands. If it's so hard there, leave.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Thanks, I'll take all your suggestions. I'll have a chat to him.

However he is still telling me to be clever and be clever like others when I have done what others have done like have an education, worked, driving etc.

And he knows full well of my excellent track record in jobs and getting jobs.

And there is more stuff I had to overcome when I was younger.

He also told me not to drive at night and I'll get killed because there are gangs about at night even though I'm in a car, driving and going into safe areas last year at 7pm and he told me to come back at that time too.

My friends said I'm in my 30s now.

1 Reply

@Intellect779,

When I was in my 20s, he would say things like do not go to a restaurant, do not do this, that.

Now despite me saying I have income and he knows, he keeps telling me off for even buying some drinks for £1 everyday. Saying do not waste money.

I understand, but he is saying it in a very angry way.

He doesn't wish to listen. He also told me when someone random phoned him if I wanted to marry someone abroad, not even knowing them or knowing what they're like or seeing them, he shouted saying people abroad are highly educated.

So he accepts anything?

1 Reply

@Intellect779,

I'm thinking about moving out. Which he says I am leaving him behind.

1 Reply

@Intellect779,

I think he wants me to sacrifice my life for him.

He is very negative, the way he complains day, day out. And he doesn't wish to listen to me and the other income I have. when he says it has to be every week when it is. When he complains too much about money and I provide it and can some more. And complains about too many other things.

All he has to do is live in the house and live in peace, he chooses to watch the news instead of watching other things and he decided to think too far in the future.

Also I deserve to have live independently and have my own life, he doesn't want me to move out.

I'm not saying I wish to run a business, which is a plan. I'm in a job still and he just gets very negative everyday.

He just doesn't listen.

1 Reply

@Intellect779,

He keeps complaining and getting angry.

I'm in a job, giving him good money every week and that's excluding buying food, petrol.

He also doesn't wish to listen to the income on the side.

I may or may not run a business, its just a bit of a plan. As I said, he is so negative when I have good track record of being in jobs and getting jobs.

Today he kept complaining about leaving the door open in the house and also he looked angrily back if I shut the kitchen door. Also this afternoon, I managed to accidentally spill a small bit of food on the table, which I cleaned up straight away, I said it was accident and he got angry.

He also doesn't want me to move out.

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Is he being too unreasonable, harsh? What can I do?

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