Am I dragging my feet?

Forums: Relationships, Engagement, Dating, Advice
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My girl and I have been dating each other for 5 years. We are in our early twenties. We started dating right into college. At the end of 2020 we moved in together for the first time. It started ok but we eventually had conflicts in our mindset that caused her to think I was moving too fast without giving her commitment. Her mindset then shifted majorly to wanted to be engaged as soon as possible and to get the commitment that would allow her to "love me at her fullest," as she explains. I want her to be my wife, however, I told her I wanted a bit more time to focus on myself so that I may get back to a point where I feel mentally better (2020 messed up my confidence big time). We decided to take relationship counseling in which our counselor identified several issues I can work on. I wanted to work on these things first before I proceeded with engagement but my girl wants otherwise, stating that she can't put my feeling first until she has commitment from me. Am I waiting too long on a good thing or do I have a point in holding out until I'm in a better space?

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Type: Question • Score: 5 • Views: 1,865 • Replies: 8

[+3] - Medusax - 02/28/2021If you are not ready...it can only lead to trouble. I had a co-worker once who badgered her boyfriend for years to marry her. He did not want to. Finally, he did, just to "shut her...

@wdh523,

My opinion is that as you seem to feel the engagement and subsequent marriage is inevitable, you might as well give her what she needs.

Again, that's just an opinion based on my understanding of what you have written.

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@wdh523,

Why the rush on anything?
2020 was a messed up year. Push the re- set button.
Work on what you need to do and then think about engagement/ marriage.

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@wdh523,

I am a bit torn. I see your point that you should feel ready before you make a lifetime commitment. You want to work on some things first and you both are still pretty young.

However your girlfriend may not wait. Are you ready to lose her? Like another poster mentioned you seem dedicated to her and it doesn't seem you do not want to marry her but more of when? Is there a compromise? Meaning getting engaged so she gets the commitment she seems to need but with the notation of a long engagement maybe that you do not start planning the wedding until you work on what you want...though you must give a reasonable amount of time.... 2 years? Something like that.

One other thought...do you think you will change your mind about her after working on these things? Then an engagement would not make sense.

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@wdh523,

If you are not ready...it can only lead to trouble. I had a co-worker once who badgered her boyfriend for years to marry her. He did not want to. Finally, he did, just to "shut her up". Yes, that is exactly how he put it. The marriage didn't last long, and ended horribly. Yes, you have to "steady" YOURSELF before you take on the responsibility of a committed relationship. If you are dragging your feet, there is a reason.

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@wdh523,

Take it from someone completely inept at relationships ( they seem to go nowhere, and me having wasted 3 years or so on them), you do have to make a move.

Telling someone that you need to focus on yourself is a good way of saying that you might wanna be without her (don't say stuff like that). I'm surprised she stuck around, honestly.

2020 was a crap year, but you gotta take this stuff in stride. Start by telling her what you told me.

Spend one night, think hard about what you want, and say that to her.

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@Medusax,

But it probably showed the person asking, why it was a bad idea.

If you don't take any risks, you're paralyzed with some ideal of a perfect relationship, and 20 years later, things are still the same. Get married with a "no fault" clause. If things don't work out, they don't work out.

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@bulmabriefs144,

Ok, but then, you spend money and time and stress, etc, on a divorce. The wedding day lasts a few hours. A divorce can go on for years. Another friend of mine got married because the man begged her and she has been for over 30 years to a man whom she wanted to divorce after around four years of marriage; the house, the kids, the accounts, etc. He told her that if she wanted a divorce that was fine but he would fight it until neither one had anything left. So, she is still trapped by this person. Given their ages, there is really no point in divorce now, so they more or less live separately under one roof. No, thank you.

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I don't think anyone should do anything until they're ready. That includes taking or quitting a job, starting or ending a relationship, going to university, anything.

And pressure is always a bad idea.

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Am I dragging my feet?

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