Sat 6 Feb, 2021 04:09 pm
This is all very new to me but I just feel like I need to write this down.
Just started therapy and that’s only making it clearer my girlfriend doesn’t want to work on it together.
I’m a lesbian and in a relationship with a woman who also identifies as a lesbian, but has a history with men.
About 8 years ago I got cheated on by my girlfriend at the time with multiple men.
Some of those men confronted me with ‘evidence’, harassed me (I should leave her alone, what can she do with a girl, she needs a real man..).. I really loved and trusted this girl and always believed her excuses when she had to work late or had family things.
Until one night, one of the guys she was seeing, broke into her apartment while we were sleeping upstairs. He pulled me out of the bed and beat me, threw me down the stairs.. He said I should leave his girlfriend alone (MY girlfriend I thought..), said really disrespectful things about lesbians, humiliated me, I was devastated..
Obviously I broke of what I thought was a relationship.
I was completely lost, didn’t date for 5 years.. I didn’t really trust anyone enough to start a relationship again.
And as long as I didn’t commit to anyone I didn’t really feel the issues I had developed from that experience.
Now I’m with a woman who has slept with men before and I completely freak out by that thought. She also is friends with a guy who she used to sleep with. He comes around all the time, she doesn’t get that it bothers me (she knows my story).
I don’t expect her to drop her friend for me, I just don’t get why he needs to be here weekly.
He cheats on his girlfriend, he’s a real macho, I don’t trust him at all and have difficulty trusting my girlfriend.
This has been a constant argument for us, so I realized I had to work on my issue.
I’m started edmr.
Talking to my therapist has made me realize I’m not crazy, I’m not overreacting, I have ptsd.
My girlfriend says things like : you’re overreacting, this guy is something that’s in the past, there’s nothing to worry about..
One time she also mentioned to a friend how great he is in bed, while I was sitting right there..
I get that my jealousy and stuff is not easy for her, but I feel like I deserve better..
Now she told me that we are over because it’s too much for her and she doesn’t wanna feel like she can’t see her friends..
Anyways, just wanted to write this down.
I’m done with feeling like I’m crazy/overreacting.. I’m ready to work on my issue, with or without her support.
Good for you for seeing it as an issue where therapy can help. It should.
Talk to your girlfriend. Again. About what's bothering you and why. Don't dance around the topic. This means specifically laying out (no pun intended) why her discussing how he's in bed would bother you.
And, in case she doesn't get the message, why discussing the sexual prowess of any
of her past partners, male or female, bothers you. And why an ex-lover hanging around so much is concerning to you (BTW if would be concerning to pretty much anyone, trauma or no trauma).
If she still doesn't get it, and still claims you're overreacting, then think long and hard about what it means when someone dismisses your feelings.
Thank you for the response!
I guess the problem is that my partner feels like she constantly has to defend herself. She can’t change her past, she didn’t do anything wrong, I have no reason not to trust her. She feels like she doesn’t deserve this. This is all true I guess, but it doesn’t change my issue.
I don’t feel supported, I only feel I’m constantly blamed for not trusting her/the situation with her ‘friend’.
Here's what she's done wrong.
Dismissing your feelings and telling you that you're overreacting. You suffered trauma and she doesn't get to sweep it under the rug and decide that all is hunky dory with you. She has also engaged in the utterly classless pastime of yakking about a former partner's sexual prowess. And she has ignored your requests to stop having her ex come around quite so much.
Stop saying that she has done nothing wrong, when that is patently untrue.