Sun 10 Jan, 2021 06:28 pm
My dad always used to say that in my family, the best way to help a family heal from a terrible loss, or death in the family, is a wedding.
I have no brothers and no sisters, my dad's friends and family hate my mother for the dumbest reasons, even though my mom is the sweetest most kindest creature on the planet, my boyfriend, the love of my life, has no father either because his dad died when he was very, very young, his grandmother is close to dying as well, and it's just me and my mom now, forever. My mom became a widow on New Year's Eve 2021- December 31, 2020- my dad had a massive heart attack during surgery to reattach his colon after successfully getting rid of cancer, and he never woke up. He died before ringing in the New Year, before things could finally get better once Trump is gone, he'd been rooting for Joe Biden all year, and now he'll never get to see how things will improve. My grandmother, on the other hand, is a senile evil bitch who thinks Donald Trump is a Saint and a god and she hates everything I love, she's a total racist and hates LGBT people as well, which I'm 100% against, after what happened with the riots in D.C. only two hours away from my home.
I now feel like I live a half life and a cursed one at that. I feel like God is a hateful one and Jesus wants me to be tortured and completely hates me and doesn't give a ****.
Question- Now that there are absolutely NO father figures in my family, what do you think my wedding is going to look like, should my man propose to me?
Important things you should know-
Number one- I'm totally against getting married in a COURTROOM. I think courthouse and City Hall weddings are a PATHETIC joke- Why do you want to get married in the number one place to get sued, get divorced, and go to prison for being convicted of serious crimes? I want my wedding to be special and romantic, there is no way in hell I want a courtroom wedding.
Number two- I was raised Irish Protestant. That means I'm traditional when it comes to weddings- bride walks down with her father, bride dances with her father, and the groom dances with his mom. My boyfriend still has his mom, and she's going to live much longer, but so is my mom. His mom never wants to get married ever again, and I highly doubt that my mom wants to get married again because she's said her Bobby was her only love and she wants nobody else. I think I'd kind of look ridiculous dancing with my mother for the father-daughter dance when my father is gone and I have no father-in-law and there is no such thing as any family members who will do the job of dancing with me.
My dad's favorite band was ELO. I wanted to dance with my dad to an ELO song, and I want to choose "Just for Love", the song from Jeff Lynne's album Zoom, which was the very last song my mom listened to in the ICU with my dad before he passed. And because I have no brothers and no cousins that want to sub in for my dad- who wants to walk down the aisle with me and dance to that song? My mother may be at liberty to say that she never wants to love again because the 1970s were a horrible time and everywhere she went, all the men her age were terrible people. And all of my dad's friends and brothers are all married anyway and they have no interest in my mom because they think less of her, like she's 'damaged goods'.
So, I'm wondering, the only friend my mom has here in Baltimore County is my dad's only friend we trust, our friend Pastor Dave at our church, and it would be most likely that he'd be officiating the wedding.
That said, is it a bad thing that I ask the pastor to walk me down the aisle as both the officiant and the father of the bride? No? Too stupid? I thought so.
Also, I really hate the idea of walking down the aisle all by myself. I feel like I'd be laughed out of my own wedding when people are staring at me, going, "Why is she giving herself away? What the hell is her problem? Where is her father? Oh, I get it, her daddy DIED... She should be mourning her father's loss, not giving herself away... So where is the father in law? Oh, he's dead too??? The poor bride! Let's pity her!" "So sorry to hear about the loss of your father, the groom's father, and the losses of all your dead grandparents..."
Number three- My boyfriend, love of my life, said he wishes he knew my dad a lot more so that he could ask for my dad's blessing. He never got the chance to do that, ever, and pretty much all my grandparents are dead, except for my evil bitch of a grandmother who believes in building a wall to keep out immigrants and she hates anybody who is not white and doesn't believe in Jesus like her- she'd explode if she found out my lover is an atheist and believes in no god at all, while my mom is a Christian, but does not inflict harm on anybody who doesn't have the same beliefs. Both my mom and I are the live and let live type of people, and my grandma constantly wants to Save people and become a saint.
So, if there's also no father of the bride and no grandparent and no uncles either, because my dad's family doesn't really like my mother and some of our family members are a disgrace anyway (my uncle on my mom's side was convicted of a felony 30 years ago, long story), should the pastor, when he asks the bride's family to give the bride away at the altar, should he instead ask, "(My father) who is in Heaven in the great beyond, will you give us a sign in the skies or in the heavens that you want your only child to marry this man in matrimony, in the sight of God?"
I should add- my boyfriend, even though he's atheist, he's also a live and let live person who's not going to be angry with me if we get married in front of a member of the clergy. He desperately wants me to have a good wedding properly, a real one, he's against the City Hall courthouse wedding as well, and he doesn't care what religion I choose to get married in. He's ok with my choice of officiant no matter what it is.
Yes, my boyfriend is the real deal. He's absolute perfection, willing to love me against everything we've been through. He loves me anyway.
Number five- My boyfriend has no idea who'd be his best man. He pretty much has no friends, sort of like me. He has a younger brother, but he's all fluff and silliness, he's hardly ever serious at all. And I'm pretty sure his brother hates me, and so does a few of the only friends he has. I pretty much am the same- my best friend, who I hoped would be my maid of honor, she just moved to Oregon, and I highly doubt she's ever coming back. She can't come to my dad's memorial service anyway because her father too recently had a heart attack, but he's stable, but she has to stay anyway to make sure he's healthy enough to come home, and then get ready to move to Hawaii. I really have only one idea for a bridesmaid, and that's my only friend from CCBC, who is married to an ex boyfriend and she has a child with him. I feel like it would be awkward to have a "matron" of honor who's married to an ex of mine, even though she and I are on very good terms.
Worse- pretty much all of my friends from the conventions are dad's friends and they hate my mom, so who would like to be guests at my wedding? Answer: nobody.
But I'm really hoping to have a beautiful wedding at a very nice venue, but I don't want to waste a lot of money. My parents, when they got married, their reception was in my grandparents' backyard. I don't want a backyard party reception, especially since my boyfriend's mom and my mom will still be living in different apartments with absolutely no backyard at all- my mom in Baltimore, his mom in Havre De Grace.
So, really, who the hell would want to be at my wedding?
Should I go on Facebook and start hosting an online game show called "Who Wants to Be a Bridesmaid?" and get totally random people to be bridesmaids?
Or even more, should this wedding be a public party event where total strangers can come to the wedding, even though they don't know us at all and they've got no clue who we are, they know nothing about us, and we ask all the total strangers who just show up at the wedding to give us donations of checks or money orders as bridal gifts instead of going through bridal registry?
I should mention- nobody in my family or his family has any chance at all in saving enough money for even the perfect wedding dress that I want, in a plus size (because I'm a fat fatty bitch) and petite size at the same time (because I'm too short to wear a normal wedding dress- five feet tall and no taller, I'm a short midget bitch, I hate myself), in the color blue as a nice token to my father (I have my daddy's blue eyes), and in a princess ballgown style, which all of those combined is FORBIDDEN for petite brides who are fatter than 130 pounds with an hourglass shape, and I'm 160 lbs. I look at normal dress suggestions from all kinds of news articles on what fat and petite women should wear to dress the best, and it constantly contradicts itself, I'm confused about what clothes look good on me and what looks awful on me that I should throw it away. So wedding dress, I'm probably better off walking down the aisle in a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and a Doctor Who t shirt and jumping around down the aisle being ridiculous, saying, "I'm a lonely orphan bride throwing myself at the groom like a pathetic flower girl!"
No, that's dumb, I can't let this happen. My boyfriend would hate this too.
Which brings me to this:
Number six- If all else fails, do you think I should have NO wedding and just have a common law marriage and just live with my boyfriend together, no marriage license or certificate at all?
Remember, in State of Maryland law, common law marriages are not legal, even if you're gay or straight, it doesn't matter. To have equal rights as a married couple in Maryland, you need to be legally married, and that goes for LGBT couples too. Same sex marriage has been legal in Maryland since 2012. If you're engaged but not married yet, you never get recognized as a couple until you are actually married by law. A lot of widowed men and women who were in common law marriages here had to get lawyers to have custody of their partners' things from the state government because they decided to never marry, or because they had plans to get married, but life got in the way.
And Alexander, the love of my life, is very strongly against this idea. He wants a wedding as badly as me.
Last thing, most importantly- I'm definitely looking for comfort at this time, and I'm losing my mind here. My mom is hurting the most right now, she's now listening to all of my dad's old music on her TV right now, and I fear that it's going to depress her so much more. Everyone is telling me to be strong for my mom, but with my mental illness, all I can think of is that things are going to get so much worse and things will never get better. Mom is doing her best to get those awful thoughts out of my head, but it can't be helped. Everything that once was happy is now turning angry, disgusted, sad, and depressing all at once. I'm feeling all five stages of grieving every single moment, and last night, I had the worst case of depression symptoms possible. It took a LOT for my mother and my boyfriend to knock it out of me. I was finding it too hard to leave the bed, and Hunger Games being on TV was giving me a headache and making me think of very dark thoughts and there was nothing else on TV. It bothered me way too much. I still talk to a therapist and a professional mental doctor, and I take my bipolar medicines every day like clockwork. It was a good thing that today I left the apartment and went shopping with my mom, but I feel like this is what my life is going to be like forever until my mom dies and then I'll be a homeless bum forever.
Alexander says that won't happen and he won't let it. He wants me to live with him now more than ever to save me from this life.
I'm trying to put this thing to bed.
Can you help me have some peace of mind? Do you have any good news at all for me?
First off, I am very sorry about your father's passing.
Now, for the rest of it?
Get a ******* grip.
You have decided that every alternative is horrible. You have decided things would be pathetic, you would be laughed at, yadda yadda yadda.
Weddings don't need best men or bridesmaids. My brother's best person was a female friend of his. Okay, fine, you don't want a courthouse. But if you don't want to spend a lot of money, you're boxing yourself out of some choices.
Of course you can dance with your mother, and of course she can give you away. A penis is not a prerequisite for either of these activities. Your mother, BTW, would probably be thrilled. I know my cousin's mom was.
You don't need to invite people you don't like to your wedding. Weddings are expensive, even if you try to economize. The last thing you need is to be wasting $ paying for plates for people you don't like. Leave your grandmother out of it, if you don't like her. Will she get angry? Probably. Will you be able to survive that? Of course.
Same thing with inviting in the public. Are you on crack? Having people you don't know over is a lovely invitation to get burgled.
Weddings can have very few people and still be festive. There are no rules, except you need people - the bride and groom, or groom and groom, or bride and bride - plus an officiant, and usually a pair of witnesses. After that, you're under no obligation to have anyone else. And, in fact, if your family is small and there's feuding, it's usually a far better choice to just have a smaller wedding.
Your wedding day is only one piece of your marriage. And, when it comes right down to it, it's a rather small part of it. Yes, you want it to be nice. But you have also got to bend a little. It's probably not going to be the elegant, glittery affair you may be seeing in bridal magazines. That also goes for your future brother-in-law. Long as he doesn't pick his nose during the ceremony or make bunny ears while taking pictures, so what if he's not a terribly serious person? Truth is, you could probably stand to learn how to relax from him. It's not absolutely necessary for him to be in the wedding, of course. But it might be a nice gesture. He's going to be your brother-in-law so long as you and he are alive, God willing. Starting things off on a positive note is a very, very good idea.
Oh and before this becomes another issue for you - you can have an uneven number of attendants. One guy, or three gals and two guys, whatever. You're getting married, surrounded by the people you care about the most, not setting up a symmetrical photo shoot.
And so I repeat - chill out, get a grip, and stop crying victim. You have a great guy who loves you. The rest of it is window dressing.
Your father died 10 days ago and you’re worried about a non existent wedding?
As Jes said, get a grip, and your priorities straight.
You lost your father, and your mother her husband less than 2 weeks ago. The grieving process has barely begun, and is going to run at its own pace.
As an aside, it’s not your job to be strong for your mother. You both need to be there for each other in the coming months
My belief is you’ve manufactured this wedding problem to avoid thinking about this recent death. If you’re making up non existent problems about a non existent at this time wedding, you’re thinking the reality of this death has gone away.
If there is one thing in your ramblings that made me angry was your talk of your mother deciding she doesn’t want future romance. Who the hell would be talking to her about stuff like this when her husband is barely cold? Come on.
Besides, and this is the gods honest truth, no one gives a **** about your wedding. It’s a 3 or 4 hour rigamarole that no one will be thinking about 2 days later
To both Jespah and chai-
How insensitive. Thank you. You're both assholes who don't give a ****.
How about you shoot me an email and I'll give you my address so you can come beat me up in person? Clearly, I'm not allowed to live!!!
Do I deserve to die too???? ANSWER ME THAT!
I'm trying my best to delete this account, I guess this is the only way to do it now, by getting banned.
I never should have joined Able2Know in the first place. I knew it. I'm a BITCH, ****, ASSHOLE, DICK AND ******* IDIOT AND YOU SHOULD KILL ME!!!
Thanks a lot for your trolling, trolls. Hurt me, please, I beg you. I deserve it. I was right in the first place when I was in a heat of mania yesterday while thinking about my dad. I DESERVE DEATH. Why don't you do it for me, because there is no way in hell I can administer it myself.
Come and hurt me with your best shot.
Dear moderator who sees this,
Please report me and have me permanently suspended from this account because I'm afraid this post is only going to get ugly. Thank you.
I am a failure. I'll admit to it now. I'm owning up to it.
No, @jespah, I'm not on drugs. But you did insult me in a huge way. I see your point. It was pointless to ask this question.
To both of you, yes, I'm a ******* idiot and I do deserve the hate. Thank you. Say some more hurtful things, please. I need the wake up call.
I'm ready to kill my dreams. My future and my hope is DEAD too. Do you want to kill more things in my life? I welcome it.
It is now clear to me NOTHING WILL EVER GET BETTER! JUST SAY IT! SAY THAT SOMEONE IS GOING TO DESTROY ME TOMORROW! GO AHEAD! Murder my future! I deserve nothing but HELL!
This is your grief talking, it's not you at all.
Prior to this post, you've stated you've been dating this guy for seven months. Now you're looking ahead at how the future looks without your dad in it. And it hurts. The dreams and hopes you've had are all now all different.
So, to alleviate some of the stress, give yourself a break & time to process.
Calling yourself nasty names isn't helping. I get it, you're in a very dark place right now.
That doesn't go away for awhile. Sometimes, even a lifetime. What is good though, is that you have people in your life that are experiencing the same grief, just a little bit differently. There's no right or wrong way to grieve, and I wish you well at this very difficult time.
Don't give up on yourself or even A2K.
Typing out things is therapeutic. Even if you don't see it right now.
You are beautiful.
I'm so sorry for my hurtful painful words. This message saved me. Thank you so much. Hugs.
I think blue would be a very lovely colour for your dress.
A pastel blue for a spring wedding, maybe a bright blue for summer or even a navy blue for fall or winter would be absolutely beautiful.
Do you have a preference?
Light blue, to match both me and my dad's eyes. I also want to be a May bride, especially because I met my man on Star Wars Day, May 4th. Little romantic joke between us. Also, my dad was a huge dork for nerdy things like Star Wars and Star Trek. My man is desperately wanting to watch The Mandalorian, and he loves Babu Frik.
Love of my life.
You can pair that with a bouquet of blue forget-me-not flowers (look them up) and you will be beautiful.
I know what forget-me-nots are, and that sounds wonderful. Even better- I've always thought one of the greatest Disney Princesses of all time was Ariel from Little Mermaid, and the actress who plays her is Jodi Benson, who was in one of my favorite "Holy Trinity" of Don Bluth movies, she was the star of the show herself, Thumbelina.
And because I'm extremely short and tiny, and I have red hair just like Thumbelina, and my boyfriend considers himself a very brave knight at my side, I think I've narrowed it down for my wedding theme. Don Bluth fairytales, specifically Dragon's Lair (the video game) and Thumbelina- because in the same Jodi Benson movie, Thumbelina gives her true love Prince Cornelius a wreath of forget-me-nots to carry with him until he returns in the morning. And then he gives her his ring and puts it on her finger, promising he will return for her soon- that's basically the scene where he proposes to her: "I'll never forget you, never."
Thank you for the inspiration. I love it. Forget-me-nots and white roses, I can picture that.
It just takes time.
But you will have a wonderful wedding. It will not be the way you originally imagined but with thoughtfulness and creativity, it will be your day.
I am sorry if you feel that you were insulted.
Of course I don't think or wish your future to be ruined.
As both Neptune and chai have said, you are in the midst of grief. It's clouding your feelings and behavior. Planning a wedding is stressful under the best of circumstances. This is probably not a good time to pile that kind of stress on your plate.
I am so sorry. If it helps at all -- about a month or so before our wedding my husband's dad died in an accident. Not trying to bring you down, but was going to give you some thoughts to incorporate your dad's memory into your wedding. We had a special candle for him that we lit during the ceremony and flowers as a symbol. You still feel sad but it is also feels good that his spirit is there and you recognize him. So I suggest you find some way that fits your dad's spirit to include him.
Also some thoughts -- I know others said and I agree - you can do pretty much what you want for your wedding as far as set up - people you invite, etc. It should be what you and your future husband want that is important.
If it is important to have a father figure walk you down the aisle - then I think either your mom gives you away or the pastor friend. Who cares if he officiates. He can walk you down and then take his place after as the pastor. Or have your mom walk you down and give you away. She could be your dad's symbol in a sense. You could then have that dance with the pastor as the dad and daughter dance. Or you could even have your husband step in.
Is there a special place you and your husband like - have it there. If you are having a small wedding you can have it anywhere. Do some searches for small wedding venues - maybe there is a public park that is beautiful; maybe you could rent an estate that does weddings; some very beautiful restaurants that have scenic spots would be great for a smaller more personal wedding. Think about what is meaningful to you.