My boyfriend beat me

t_l,

There is nothing that I can say that the others here have not already said. I just want you to know that I support their advice and worry about YOU very much. An abuser is the master of all control freaks. If he (or she) cannot get what they want, they will stop at nothing, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse to get their point across. Whatever the hell their point is. And it can be anything that sets them off.

What happened, as others have said, IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! He may try to convince you till the end of time that it is, but it is NOT. It would not surprise me to learn that over the two years you have been with him, that he has abused you both verbally and emotionally. That is one of the reasons you feel so badly about leaving him or pressing charges against him. He has already convinced you that everything you do or say is crap and everything he does or says is right. Am I close? He has f*cked with you mind so much that you cannot even understand that what he did was completely wrong and you are even trying to justify his behaviour by saying it was your fault for this reason or that reason.

Honey, if you stay, he WILL hit you again. And again. Once physical abused is unleashed in these animals, you become more like fuel for their fire of anger and release. Has he already apologized and said it will never happen again? Don't believe it when he does. He is way out of control.

I know Brooke will be on eventually, but in the meantime, you must do everything you can to protect yourself from this man. Get yourself a restraining protective order so he cannot come near you, no matter how much he "just wants to talk". The talk is over. now is the time for YOU to act and be strong. True love does NOT hurt that way. Believe that in your head AND in your heart. It will be so hard to be strong right now because you are probably feeling VERY vulnerable. I know you said your parents were no support, but do you think they might be more sympathetic knowing that their little girl got the crap beat out of her? If, after thinking it all over, you CAN talk to them, they might be a great source of support for you.

Call the police, honey, get your restraining order and kick this low life abuser to the curb. And lastly, keep in touch here, so we can help support you too.

t_l,

sometimes it is easier not to tell those who you love and to tell complete strangers. Complete strangers have a better objective view. and what i love about this forum, is that everyone gives their opinion and kinda lays it out for you. Bella is one of the most honest people i have ever heard from, and i like that.

as i said before, i was abused a long, long time ago in another world. and it took him actually hitting me to wise up. i did tell my parents and they flew off the handle, asking me how i could be so stupid to get myself into that position etc...their response didn't quite help me heal to say the least, but i understand where they are coming from. they were just wanting to protect me from it, but often times, those who love you can do more damage than good. i had to distance myself from them for some time in order to heal and needed the help of a counselor. probably the best thing i ever did.

you need the outside objectiveness of those who aren't close to situation to help you get through this which is why it is easy to talk to us. please call the police and press charges. we will support you in anyway we can! feel free to contact me on AOL if you would like to chat more indepth.

Good luck and be strong!!!

That means so much to me!

t_l, see how many people care about you?

t_l,

As a rule of thumb, men are and will always be the powerhouse of physical strength. Yet - it's amazing how soft and gentle they can make their arms feel, while holding someone they love. Loving someone will ALWAYS mean that those same strong arms provide comfort and warmth. And safety. No matter what.


There are NO excuses for violence. There is NO amount of anger that should cause a man to beat the woman he loves. EVER! And most men would walk away if they felt their anger getting the best of them, during an argument. Most men simply could NOT beat a woman to get rid of their own aggression.

So….two things here. Your boyfriend obviously is not a "man" …nor does he love you. Love speaks in volumes from the heart. Anyone can mouth the words. Doesn't mean much.

In the time it took you to read the above 3 paragraphs, on average...4 more women have been beaten. Beaten in body and spirit…by a man that claims to love them. And thousands of women, each year, die at the hands of these lowly cowards. You have already become a statistic, my friend. Don't join the latter of the two, that loses their life. At least now you still have a chance for survival.

I did not leave my abuser for a long time. And like you, I wanted to hide it. I still deal with the effects of that abuse in many ways. The average person can be around someone that is shouting and not think much of it. Not me. It can be a complete stranger - having an argument with someone. I can be within earshot and I will start to tremble. Tears will form in my eyes and all I want to do is get as far away from it as possible. Like a little girl hiding from something that has scared her. I hate that. As hard as I try, I have not been able to overcome that. I get angry with myself for being that way. Yet, it seems to have more power, than I have control. There are lasting effects to abuse. This is just one of the things that you, yourself, may have to endure if you stay in this relationship.

So many things that I can tell you. But none more important than telling you that you need to stop this man and stop him now. If you keep the relationship going … it lets him know that he got away with it and most likely will get away with the next beating he gives you. And the beatings get worse and they change course as time goes on. They go from beating out of anger to beatings born out of instrumental aggression. This is when he will beat you simply to get what he wants. He's not necessarily even angry with you during this kind of beating.

All abuse needs to be reported to the authorities. Right from the start. A police officer will help you get in touch with a DV center that is close to you. They will set you up with a support group and a mentor. They will educate you and help you to understand the mind of an abuser. They will keep you from getting caught up in the games an abuser will play with your emotions and your mind. They will make sure you understand that no matter what lies your abuser tells you….the biggest one is telling you it was your fault he beat you.

I wish I had that in the beginning. By the time help was guided my way…I was already too good at the denial of my own self worth.

But hey….. I am a survivor! I know that you can be too. Hold your head high, my friend. You are a much stronger person than you can possibly imagine!!!!!! Be proud of who you are and relish the thought that tomorrow can be a brighter day. For your power does not belong to this man. It is yours and yours only. Use it wisely.

PS- When I get home tonight, I will pm you with some info that can help you!

HUGS

Brooke, you are always such a shining light in an otherwise dark room.

LOOK.LADY if a man beats on you once he'll do it again so leave him and your body is your body if its going to hurt you do the best for you, you did the right thing. as far as him beating on you leave him if not you will be sorrymove to antoher state or some thing dont let him know where you are and let your parents know what happoned this guy is a physco. i feel that if i have to beat on a woman ill lleave her first before i do and thats what i did with my ex wife when i felt like i wanted to beat her i left her. and divoriced her.

thanks everyone, you are all full of good advice. thanks brooke for helping me and sending me the info. I did report him, last night. The police went round to his house and discussed it with him and he was took to guisborough police station overnight. not sure if he is out yet. He is not allowed to go anywhere near his kids when he is on his own and i hav been asked to look after them for 2 months until he has been 2 court. They will decide after that if the kids should stay with family or go into care. Do you think it is a good idea me looking after his kids on a weekend without him knowing? What if he comes round and finds out about me keeping his kids safety from him?

do any of you have a msn messanger sign up acount? if so i will be on over the weekend at some point. If you want to talk.

[email protected]

Wishing you well, t_l_d_r...((hugs)).

thanks but that doesnt answer the question. i am worried that if i take care of them without him knowing and he finds out that it will make him worse and abuse me in front of the kids. Should i say no to looking after them or not? PLEASE HELP!!!!!!

They are not your children and you having them could put all of you in danger. I suggest the mother watch them or a realitive of his. I just don't think he will take well to you watching his kids.

I am confused.

How did you end up with the children in the first place? It doesn't make sense. If your boyfriend was taken into custody, the children would not have been left at home alone ..nor would they have been given to a 17 year old, non-family member to take care of.

They would have been given to child protective services and from there the welfare of the children would have been decided.

That's what I was wondering... I second the confusion

did you not report the abuse against you? if you did, you should have been able to get a restraining order against him so that if he even comes near your house you can have him arrested again. This would help your plight.

however, I am in the confused bit as well. Why did they give the kids to you and not put them with child protective services?

I agree with all here except on one point that some mentioned.

I don't agree that she is at fault at all for not telling him about the abortion. It is her body and her health, and finally her choice. In a good relationship you do share. I don't discount t.l.d.r.'s instincts not to share that information.

Whatever one's view on that, the beating is not defensible, at all, ever.

Also, tldr, can you go back and put a blank space in your email address? We will figure it out if you leave a blank, but leaving it as it is on an internet forum can potentially make it accessible to spybots that look for email addresses for spamming.

i no it is confusing but they had given them to his mam but she needed to go to work and was doing a triple shift so there was no one else to take care of them. Their mam is not alowed them, as i have already mentioned and there is no-one to have them over the weekend. Yes i reported the abuse last nite and i also report him for harrassment, i automatically got a restraining order but that wont neccessarily stop him from coming by. he will do anything to get the kids back

when he comes by, call the police. they will come and arrest him for violating the restraining order. i had to do it. he was parked outside my house playing horrible sappy love songs to get me to come back to him. it was funny to hear sirens mixed with those love songs...