Stepmothers

Let this be the last time you let your daughter visit. If you refuse to let her and they take you to court, (which i doubt), that will give you the opportunity to present all of this evidence, documented, and expose the SM and your no-account ex. Under the circumstances that you've described, no judge would demand that you let your daughter go there again.

But if I were you and my kid was being treated like this, threatened with criminal charges no less, I'd go and get her right now. 20 miles, 2000 miles, it doesn't matter.

Sometimes you just have to force the showdown.

You are wonderful eoe

I've been thinking about this all day.

You've gotten some great advice here.

I'd like to throw in my 2 cents.

The SM is indeed nuts.

So sorry to hear about this.

If there is violence involved you must intervene. If you don't, the courts, I believe can hold you negligent.

As for all the other, the personal accusations and such directed toward you, I have a suggestion, but I'd like to preface it with by saying that it is rather unconventional, but it can be done, and done well, and diffuse her energy from being directed toward you.

Overall, you agree with anything she says.

For example:

SM: The child support is too high!

YOU: I agree with you that it is too high. Unfortunately, it was the judge who determined the amount. If you'd like to go back and talk to the judge, I'll be more than happy to be present. The down side to you guys though is, he's likely to raise the amount of child support due to the increase in the cost of living, any raises her father has received, and he may even consider any income you are currently bringing in and recalculate it based on that. And that would be unfortunate for you, but, you see, it's entirely out of my hands.

SM: You forced / tricked your ex into marrying you.

YOU: I agree with what you say. Isn't it nice for him that he is free now to enjoy his best years with you and your kindness, comfort, and wise counsel.
And, surely, what can be done about it now, that hasn't already been done? I'm all ears ...

I have had a relationship with a huge, lying, demented control freak. I found that agreeing with him always worked. There was just nowhere else for him to go with it. He couldn't escalate it, so he dropped it.

It might not work all the time, for every kind of accusation. I would never admit to doing any illegal, like beating your child, or ignoring her needs.

But, you could suggest that if she accuses you of something like that, you could suggest that you are always open to advice as to how to be kind to your child, and you welcome her offer to pay to send you to parenting classes, at her expense, for your daughter's benefit, and how kind of her to offer. You will get the brochure and let her know to whom to send the check right away.

But, really, I wouldn't let my daughter go back. Find a way. Force them to press the issue at their expense, and do document all of it.

I'm just heart-broken that you are going through this. It's just terrible that miserable people cannot seem to keep their misery to themselves.

I'll be thinking about you and wishing you the best possible throughout this entire nightmare.

I just want to thank you all for your responses. Funny how much encouragement one can receive from a message board. It means more than you know.

I talked to my daughter for a very long time tonight. Of course, she's unable to speak of anything that's happened during her visit, but I thought that maybe one of our normal conversations(home or not) might make her feel better. It was a nice one. She laughed and joked and still insisted that we adopt another bunny rabbit(ugh), this time insisting she would be more of a "mother". My ex apparently wasn't home and I guess SM's had her fill of drama for the week. She didn't interrupt the conversation this time. This is how it works with them. But I guess it was my attempt to provide my daughter with a little home comfort..from mom. It seemed to work. She's counting down the days until she comes home. Seems to be dragging on for me though...

I've arranged for my daughter to see a counselor when she returns. I think this may help her..given all she's had to deal with. I also left a message with my attorney and she's to contact me next week. I swallowed my pride and went to my grandparents tonight for financial help. I know that's bad, but I'll repay them when I can. I suppose I believed, or wanted to believe, that my ex would get his **** straight and do what he needed to. He can't say I've never given him a chance...in truth, it seems I've given him too many.

It takes a little while to get into court( 6 months just for our child support case), but please keep my baby in your prayers as we go through this. I've never done this before, but it's time. Thanks again and forgive me for sounding like a cheeseball..

bien -

We'll hang with you through whatever happens. There's great support on this forum of "strangers." Keep your chin up and do what you need to do, including soaking up all the support you need from us.

There's plenty to go around.

bien--

You sound like a woman who is very concerned about a beloved daughter faced with circumstances that a child should not have to deal with.

We're here when you need us.

Hi all, and thanks again for the support.

I speak with my daughter nightly, and so far, the drama has ceased. Only 13 more days 'til she'll be home. I can't wait

Oh, bien! That is such great news that she is coming home soon! You must be very excited and very relieved! I like the idea of her seeing a counselor. Especially if you have talked to the counselor first and explained your concerns and why your daughter is coming to talk with her (or him).

You sound like an awesome mom and your daughter is very lucky to have you in her corner. Maybe by the next visit, your ex will have to come to her and you can keep your daughter completely away from the evil step mother.

In the meanwhile, we are very glad to have you here and very glad to be here for you in any way we can.

Re: Stepmothers
Hi bien. i grew up with a step mom. I hated her as a kid I was concerned she was trying to replace my mother. My relitves from my real moms side all hated her and thought that she was destroying us. as i grew up i noticed that she loved and cared for us like her own kids and gave us the best upbringing possible. Sometimes its important to see if its the person giving their all and its hard for us on the other side to accept. or if its a person who is selfish and want their husbands and the kids get in the way.

Good Luck