Stepmothers

Hi bien! And welcome to A2K! It's good to have you here.

I have never had a step-parent myself but I am soon to become one. My own two children are grown (22 and 25) but this fall I will be taking on the new role of step-mom to my fiance's 12 year old son. I couldn't be happier about that, personally. I was one of these crazy women who loved being pregnant, loved having babies and actually wanted 8 of my own. I stopped at 2.

What's happening with your daughter's step-mother that makes her so unreasonable? How old is your daughter and how long have your ex and the step-mom been married? Are there other children in the family as well?

I'm a stepmother. For ten years. Need to know more detail about your daughters' situation before we can provide you with any info, tho.

Stepmother of six.

i am 17 and i have a stepmother who is exactly like that. She is controlling and tries to put me down all of the time. She did the same to my sister and it drove her away. all you can do is just be there for her and if she wants to talk then listen to her and help her through it. If your daughter knows that you are willing to be there for her if she needs to talk about what is happening when she is with her stepmum she wont feel as though she needs to keep it bottled up, that can lead to more problems.

Sorry about that. I fell asleep after I posted the original post and this is the first opportunity I've had to reply. Now about the stepmom...

First I want say that I am in no way generalizing all stepmothers. My thoughts only apply to this one person.

My daughter's father and I have been divorced for 10+ years. She is 9. During the first few years after the divorce, he didn't see her at all. I did try to make him, many times, but my efforts were fruitless. After almost 3 years of no contact, I obtained his permission to move back home(out of state).

To make a long story short, a little over a year after arriving home, I was served with papers from him claiming I kidnapped our daughter and he wanted sole custody. Of course this didn't happen. Our attorneys settled out of court and he's had visitation since.

Enter stepmom. Apparently she was around when this started, but I didn't know. Honestly, I was happy that he was finally interested in being a father and this woman had a child around the same age as our daughter. I thought the worst was over and there might finally be some peace. WRONG! It's been hell ever since.

I've been unable to actually pinpoint what makes this woman act as she does. One minute I was shaking her hand, the next I was her enemy. I instantly became a money-hungry bitch who was jealous, bitter, and vindictive. Those are her favorite words for me. She's been in the picture for 5 years now, and she's never failed to send me at least 3-4 nasty letters per year. I've been a racist, purposely kept my ex's last name, been vindictive to her unborn children, caused her to miscarry pregnancies, had CPS called on me(she admitted), trapped my ex into marrying me, etc......the list goes on and on. If she has something she wants to say to me, she'll call incessantly. I pick up, hang up, she calls back. I've got many messages from her transcribed and she knows that, so she won't leave those much anymore. Our daughter is told she must call her "mom" and I wouldn't have an issue with that if it was my daughter's choice to do so, but she is told to. She has had my daughter write me notes regarding child support(claiming it's too high) during visitation and sent them to me. Now we have the drug issue for her and my ex husband, although they claim it's for medicinal purposes. During my daughter's last visit, the police were called for domestic violence and forced my ex and our daughter to leave the home. Apparently it wasn't the first time. She's admitted to physically disciplining our daughter with a belt and a brush. And just tonight, while speaking to my daughter(she's there for the summer), the SM grabs the phone to bitch to me about child support(that he's not even paying)..right in front of my daughter..then gives the phone back to her.

Sorry, guess I went on a rant there. I just don't understand. It seems my ex has lost his gonads. He can't speak to me about our daughter unless she is there. I almost feel sorry for him. I don't bother these people. I never have. I've never taken him to court for one thing. HIS parents see our daughter every other weekend, she's allowed unlimited phone contact with him...if he calls(which he never does), and I've honestly tried to be fair. I've kept quiet. Never answered the letters, called back, etc. What's left to do?

Another past step mother and future one as well. Most people don't behave like your ex's new wife does. Most adults behave like mature adults, although how sympathetic or empathetic or generally able they are to handle various situations differs greatly by personality and life experience. Her behavior worries me. Is her brand of discipline ok w/you? Ok w/the police in the area? Ok w/CPS? I find it hard to believe that type of discipline condoned anywhere in the U.S.A. for a nine year old child... You need to gather documentation proving this woman is abusive. Because if what you say is true, she is. If you kept the letters she wrote to you, that certainly documents something about her. You probably can't get the police report #s from the spousal abuse reports, but if you know the dates and locations of the incidents, perhaps they could be demanded by the family court. It is your duty to keep your child safe from such an unstable person. The courts will help you. Find out what you need to do to legally tape phone conversations. I'm fairly certain that you can tape your conversation w/your own child, and if the phone is snatched away again, getting that on tape would certainly prove alarming behavior...

Sometimes men who have got another relationship choose people who say that they respect his past and know that he comes with kids, but sometimes what they say can cause them to be different. I know someone myself who has a jealous step-mother. She is jealous that the girls father is giving his daughter more attention than what he is giving her. This causes her to not be polite to the daughter and so the daughter doesnt talk or have a conversation with her or even her father when the step-mum is in the same room. She is ok when she is alone with her fatrher but when they are surrounded by an atmosphere and are in the room with the step-mum everything changes.

It is indeed your duty to keep your child safe. If what you're saying is true, you have enough evidence to at least put up a fight but I'll tell you, as a stepmom myself, I wouldn't dream of physically disciplining my husbands kids.

What is the relationship like between your daughter and her father?

Your replacement sounds mentally unbalanced.

Does your daughter want to spend the summer with her father and stepmother?

What seems horrendous to you, she may take in stride.
Most of the animosity seems to be directed at you rather than at your daughter.

You are close to his parents. What do they think about the situation?

Unfortunately my daughter and her father don't have a close bond. As I posted above, he was absent for over 3 years of her life. She's a brave little girl and seems to adapt accordingly to the different environments. In all honesty, she seems more excited about the amusement park trips during her visits than she does actually seeing her dad.

He's had every opportunity to develop a relationship with her; however, he doesn't even attempt to maintain phone contact. He's called my home only 4 times this year..and only to inquire about the possibility of lowering child support. Same for all other years. Neither of them(father or SM) seem interested in her. Their concern is always about money. Just tonight, when I called my daughter, they were on the phone griping about child support and airfare. I asked if our daughter was within earshot and he states that yes she was and she knows all about it...that she has a right to know. Again, she's only 9.

As for his parents, I wouldn't say we're "close", but we're civil. Since I returned home, they've had her every other weekend. She is more attached to her grandparents than she is her own father. Her dad and grandparents are no longer in contact. I'm not sure why...I don't ask.

Of course, court is always an option, but a very costly one, given that we're over 2,000 miles apart. Just wish they'd come to their senses.

It's a nasty situation and I appreciate any thoughts...maybe I just needed to vent a little. Hope no one minds.

bien--



In the interests of your daughter's well being, I think you better ask.

Further, even brave little girls should not be put in the middle of support disagreements.

Sounds to me like this SM has some real control issues.

My SD was 12 when I married her dad, I had let him know before the marriage I would stay strictly hands off as far as making any attempt to be a 2nd mom.

She already has a terrific mother, I'd never dream of stepping into her territory.

I don't understand why you became the enemy to her, I mean, she didn't break the 2 of you up, did she?

Deb & the Grand Poobah divorced years before we met, so we have no reason for hard feelings.

This sounds like a bad situation for your child. As Noddy said, even brave little girls shouldn't be put in the middle.

You're doing right by documenting all of this.

This woman has absolutely no right to lay a hand on your daughter. Personally, I'd be calling the police to bring child abuse charges. Also, I'd go over there and take my dtr home, and away from someone who hits her.

If my husb ever heard his daughter was being physically disciplined by her step-dad, that man would be in a body cast.

YOU are her mother, not her. You have the rights, she doesn't

Document all of this and get your daughter the hell outta there.

Not to be too blunt, but if all of this is true, you are doing as much harm to your daughter by putting her in that situation as the step mom is doing. You are her only protector. Step up to the plate.

I don't believe your ex has lost his gonads. Sounds to me like he's lying to his new wife about you. Where else would she come up with a story about you trapping him into a marriage?

Drugs? Police? Domestic violence? Whipped with brushes and belts?

What the hell are you thinking? Wake up. Get your daughter outta there!

I have to agree with sqinney on this one completely.

I almost get the feeling that the step mom is doing a lot of the badmouthing, badgering and abuse behind dad's back, like maybe while he's away at work. I'm just guessing here that he doesn't know half of what goes on and even if you, bien, told him and he confronted his current wife, I feel she would be the one doing the lying and accusing you of making things up. The fact that SM HAS to be there for every call that dad or your daughter makes to you, gives me the impression that she doesn't want anything said that she does not approve of. Does that make sense?

I know it would cost some money, bien, but your daughter is worth every cent you could spend to insure her safety. It could be that the court decides dad can still have visitation, but that it must be supervised and on your home turf so to speak and not 2000 miles in the presence of an obviously jealous, psychotic, paranoid mental case. I also would not hesitate to call the authorities in your ex's hometown and alerting them of the abuse that your daughter is suffering at the hands of her stepmother. Her record there, with the domestic violence, drugs, etc should speak for themselves very loudly!

Be strong, hold your ground and do whatever it takes to save your little girl from this woman.

Thanks to all of you for your replies.

I do wish I could go drag her home, but it seems like it's in the courts hands. I was told by my attorney and others I consulted with, that if I refused visitation, I could lose custody.

Most of these issues came out after her last visit. I was immediately on the phone with their local police department and child protective services. They could care less. The police department stated that if he has a prescription for marijuana, he is allowed to have up to 99 plants in his home and there's nothing I can do about it. Child protective services said the same thing, and when I asked about the physical discipline, they stated since it was after the fact, there was nothing they could do. Pretty much brushed me off. I even tried to getting a copy of the police report from the domestic violence incident, but was told I had to be a party involved. I tried to explain that my child was involved, but it didn't matter.

I didn't want to send her, but was told I had to. Trust me, I do feel the guilt everyday of her being in this situation. I am doing everything I can to come up with the money to take this back to court, but I know there's still no guarantee. I'm not trying to make excuses. I'm fully aware of how horrible this is, but I'm doing what I can with what I have.

Thanks again for the replies.

Not to beat a dead horse, but yet another example of the psychotic witch I'm dealing with.

I called my daughter(she asks me to call nightly), and instead of speaking with my daughter, I get wonderful stepmother. She informs me that my daughter and hers had an argument, apparently were physical in the pool, and she wants to have my daughter(9 years old) arrested for assaulting her child. She hangs up on me and takes the phone off the hook. I call their local police department, explain the situation..along with the drug issue, and they do a welfare check. Daughter is fine, not arrested(thank God), dad is gone, and the police officer(pretty much laughing) states he "sees" no drugs and WILL NOT search the home. Too bad he didn't just walk into the bedroom. I can't win. I can't get these people to listen to me.

Stepmom has sent me a pic of her child with a knot on her head stating they're taking this before a judge. I've never known my daughter to be violent..what the hell? Never had a problem in school(honor roll student), never a problem with my family, her younger sister, or even her paternal grandparents. Stepmom says it's my fault. I apparently "coached" my daughter into doing this. Nevermind that they hear every word I say to my daughter cause they make her talk on speakerphone.

This is sooo emotionally draining. I'm sorry to go on and on. I'm just dumbfounded. What else will they accuse me of? God, I'm worried about her. I have no idea what she's feeling, and she can't tell me. This is pathetic. I'm wrong for checking on my daughter, but daddy can do whatever in the hell he wants.

bien,

I'm sorry if my previous post seemed harsh. I'm sure you're trying to do everything you can for your daughter. I just can't imagine my own children in that situation without me going ballistic.

I'm also a step mom. My step son is 22 and I've been "step mom" since he was 6. There was some early tension between myself and ex, but mostly because she was NOT being Mom. I'm not a hitter, so discipline was never an issue. She couldn't get upset over timeout, or removing a privilege when she knew she was leaving him with me for her own convenience.

Anyways, how long is your daughter supposed to be there? How much longer do the two of you need to endure this?

When she gets home, have her write down what happened. At 9, if she is mature enough to impress a judge that she is telling the truth and has not been coached by you, she can tell her own story and ask not to be sent back. If she wants a relationship with her dad, she can ask that it take place for shorter periods of time on her own turf. He can fly to her several weekends a year and it wouldn't cost anymore than having her for the summer and paying her airfare, outings, food, etc.


And, though I'm not an attorney, I'd suggest quietly recording all of the incidents that happen in a journal. DO NOT continue to call police, welfare, etc. At this point you know they aren't going to do anything, so further calls would appear to be harrassment. Judges see this kinda stuff from people all day long, year after year. If you appear to be part of the problem (harrassing your ex and the new wife while your daughter is visiting) the judge will not be sympathetic. He/She will see it as a bunch of immature, hateful adults. That is a low tolerence area for judges.

The court is only interested in the welfare of your daughter, not what your ex has said to you or what SM has done to you UNLESS it effects your daughter.

Document

Document

Document

Then, talk to your daughter about her visit when she gets home. Ask if she wants to go back. If she says yes, your interpretation that it's only for the outings may need to be adjusted. If she says no, prepare to have visitation changed so that he visits her.

Check with the court or a womens shelter about finding a court advocate for your daughter. If she has someone outside of the situation that can speak for her and advocate for her in court, the judge will be more likely to go with what the advocate has to say as an independent / welfare of the child spokesperson. NOT a guardian, cause you don't want to give up any rights to your daughter, but ask for an advocate or explain what you need and they will tell you what that person goes by in your court system.

This is a great forum, with lots of people that care about others. Don't feel like you're harping or going on and on. Listening is what we do best in these situations... Well, next to long rambling posts of advice.

Hang in there.

Great advice Squinney. I never thought that the police would consider it harrassment if you make too many calls to them.

What if God forbid, something serious happens, you don't think it would be good to have a series of calls on record continuing to inform them of the danger?

Bien, Maybe you can ask your girl to start a journal right where is is now, so the incidents can be recorded when they are fresh in her mind.
Also, writing them out will reinforce the sequence of events so she gets it staight if she is asked about this later.
You know kids (and adults) can get things mixed up over time.

My heart goes out to your daughter, for a 9 year old to have to go through all this. The idea of having her Dad come to visit her, without the SM, sound viable.

I wouldn't chance having her write anything down while she is there. SM would find it and turn it around.

Trust your gut and your daughter.

I'm also a strong believer in karma. SM will get her due. Bien doesn't have to do anything for that to happen.

Just document everything as you hear about it and you'll have a sequence of events on your end to trigger daughters memory when she gets home. Just be careful not to lead her, or suggest things. Maybe give your accounting to advocate for them to ask her questions so you remain as neutral as possible.