4
   

Why do some parents do that?

 
 
Reply Tue 20 Oct, 2020 12:18 am
Ok so I'm getting fed up with this nonsense and want to see if anyone has any ideas on what to do. So, just right of the bat, I'm a straight female but at times I just like to not date. I am more introverted too so I like being alone. Sometimes more so than being around others. If family plans events I prefer not to go or I am quiet if I go. Same with parties and stuff. I was like this all my life since I also had a big gap in age with my older siblings. My older brothers were one year apart and much older than me. So growing up they hung out together and did what boys do. I played by myself. I got used to it. Also, if I played with my brothers there's a lot of sad memories because they'd pick on me or baby me or have me participate in their fighting games so I usually got physically or emotionally hurt playing with them. So it's like I was programmed to prefer to be on my own. But if I'm not dating, guess what happens. "Are you a lesbian?", they ask. Why must someone suddenly be a lesbian if they're single or prefer to be single? It's like being hurt emotionally all over again but by your parents now instead of brothers. But brothers are allowed to be single and won't be asked if they're gay. Like what the heck? And then if I'm around a guy they all start freaking out like I've sold my soul to the devil and will vanish into thin air even if it's only a friend. I am in a relationship currently but it's like they want us to break up as with any guy I start liking. And it's a serious one so I really don't like them trying to separate us. Is there anything one can do right in this situation? I really don't understand what they even want other than to push me away and make me dislike being around people/family even moreso.
 
jespah
 
  5  
Reply Tue 20 Oct, 2020 04:59 am
@CassidyMarks,
They're just a bunch of assholes.

You over 18 yet? Then find another place to live if you're still in the same home and minimize contact if not eliminate it altogether. You don't have to hang around with people who don't respect your feelings and choices.

If you're under 18, stay in school , save your money and work toward what I suggested in the previous paragraph.

You don't have to take it.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Oct, 2020 04:37 pm
@jespah,
Good God.

I am just speechless
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  0  
Reply Tue 20 Oct, 2020 07:13 pm
Cassidy,
“Why do some parents do that?”

I’m going to guess that your parents are totally confused. I bet they are trying to understand you because what you have described is that you have not been close with any member of your family. And then you are now having a relationship with a young man and that even confuses them more.

Give them a break. You didn’t come with an instructional booklet.

Borat Sister
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Oct, 2020 09:55 pm
@CassidyMarks,
Can you give a little more context as to your parents’ own family background and their current beliefs? What do you think they want for and from you?

Generally, unless they are seriously disturbed, parents do stuff to try and be helpful. That doesn’t mean that what they do necessarily IS helpful, but generally that is the intent.

Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Oct, 2020 10:12 am
@CassidyMarks,
I think you do have to give a bit more in order to understand where your parents are coming from. I think first - what is your age? Advice will be different if you are over 18 than if you are 15 for example or even 25 or 30.

It sounds like you are living at home with your parents, could you confirm that?

If you are not living at home with them this is easier and/or if you are over 18. You basically can live on your own and never have to have contact with them if that is what you want.

I just remember being on my own - in my mid - 20s and was not married. My mom complaining about wanting grandchildren - so very bluntly I told her if she really wants grandchildren I could arrange it - she did not like that answer so it did keep her quiet on the subject.

Reverse now and I have children probably sounding around your age - 18 and 21. So I could understand a parent's viewpoint but I would need more background. Maybe their concern about your boyfriend has something to do with him and them being protective of you. They may see something in your relationship or about him that worries them. So it may not be you having a boyfriend - it could be the boyfriend himself.

Also is your quiet personality significantly different than everyone else in the family? Maybe they do not understand that being a quiet person does not mean you are unhappy - just want your make up is - I more like that so I understand as my husband is the opposite and often times cannot understand why I do not want to talk talk talk --- it tires me.

It may not completely resolve your issues but at least understanding where they are coming from may help you to know how to deal with them.

I think you are in your right to sit down and just say something along the lines - when you say ABC it upsets me. I am happy with the way I am and I just handle things differently and enjoy different things, but I am fine - I like being alone and quiet at times. So please understand that if I do not want to go to a party it is because I need a little quiet time. Also look for ways to compromise with your family. For example - do go to some family gatherings but pick and choose. Which ones are really important...which are least painful for you. Plan a possible escape plan if something starts to get too uncomfortable or too overwhelming. Maybe go for dinner but do not stay for dessert - say you have another obligation - make one up if you have to.

I could provide some more potential escape routes/excuses if I knew more of circumstances and background.

Jessica20
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Oct, 2020 08:35 pm
@CassidyMarks,
I am sorry that you are struggling living with this pressure. Have you tried to talk with your parents? May be it is their way of taking care about you and controlling you. If you try to speak seriously about your feelings, it will be a good start, at least. Perhaps, they will underdtand you and will become more attentive to the words they are saying. Hope, you will be fine. There is no problem that can't be solved
CassidyMarks
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2020 11:57 pm
@jespah,
I wish I was 18 still but no that was over a decade ago. And I do try to eliminate contact because if I don't they work hard to make me want to be depressed. My mother especially seems to work hard at tearing down my confidence, self esteem, etc. My dad was always more in the "I don't care" zone and just went along with my mom unless she pulled something like that with him then it was a big no no. Only sometimes he like actually helped me out in a sense but it was only because she was disturbing his peace and quiet with putting me down for an hour or so then he'd just tell her to shut it already and leave the poor girl alone. And afterwards they'd fight about it because she doesn't like people telling her to stop something. Yeah...they're dysfunctional and I rather they keep it away from me but they don't so I try to keep my distance but it's also hard sometimes when she finds my guy and tells him to get the heck out of our family. So then I like lose it and tell her to get out of the family. Sigh. This was never what I dreamed my life would be with such lack of parental support among other things. Parents should want the best for their kids. My grandparents were like my parents. They were supportive of me always and were proud. While encouraging my relationships whether friendships or more. One of them really wanted to see my mom back off so she could see my guy and I marry so she could have great grandkids. Sadly, she didn't get her wish and couldn't stand my parents.
0 Replies
 
CassidyMarks
 
  1  
Reply Wed 28 Oct, 2020 12:01 am
@PUNKEY,
It's not too new of a relationship nor am I still a child. What exactly confuses them about their adult daughter needing her independence and seeking a future with someone? I don't know how to provide them with instructions on this so any help is encouraged.
0 Replies
 
CassidyMarks
 
  1  
Reply Wed 28 Oct, 2020 12:33 am
@Borat Sister,
Personally, they came from good families overall. I was always closer to my grandparents on each side than my parents. They also never fully approved of how my parents treated me so my parents limited my time with them when I was growing up. I remember once as a kid for getting in trouble by my mom for inviting my grandma over to my birthday even though my dad was ok with it since it's his mom. Kids got in trouble for fights, not doing homework, cussing, etc. I was getting in trouble for just wanting to spend time with my grandparents and some cousins!

Yes, they should be helpful but I never thought they helped with anything but tried to make my life harder. And they still try. Why? What's their end game? Just seems they want me to break down and give up on anything and everything and just live a miserable life without spending my future with anyone and that I should just let them control my life.

The only thing that my parents differed on with me is physically hurting me. My dad might throw a punch but my mom would even try to knock me out cold or break a bone. My dad did interfere here because he didn't want police trouble most of all. She didn't care about that because she'd tell people to defend her and say I lied. Luckily since I'm older and stronger now she knows I'll punch her back so she doesn't use physical force too much. But I'm just not a violent person even hard to hurt someone for me in self defense. And I don't fear her to speak up anymore as I did when I was a kid and telling teachers that my head injury or whatever was the result of me falling from a bike or whatever. But will they ever just back off nicely?
CassidyMarks
 
  1  
Reply Wed 28 Oct, 2020 01:00 am
@Linkat,
I guess age does help. I just am at that age where I don't like to share my age but it's in the 25-35 age group.

Living with parents? Not exactly. My parents don't even like to live with each other and I try to avoid them the best I can. So, yes, I have my own place. But there's still church, family gatherings, and events like that where we run into each other. Or my mom just invites herself over to wherever I am even if it's work. What a mess that used to be! Now I'm careful to make sure she doesn't know where I work.

And I don't think it's really the guy that I'm with that's a concern. Everyone else approves of him and wants us to start a family already and we both don't mind that and just want things to naturally fall into place better. Unless it's because he always wants to step in an tell her to treat me like a human being at least? I don't know. But she just disapproves of any guy so it doesn't matter who. She even hates on family members who try to help or support me.

I don't know if my quiet personally plays a role in it but I'm not always quiet especially if I had enough of them that day. I will lay it out straight forward and just tell them what's on my mind but it makes no difference. Even nicely asking or whatever doesn't work. I remember recently saying, "Can you please not break my lamp?" And it's like a cue to break my lamp. It's actually better not to say anything because my lamp had a better chance there if you know what I mean. Because if something bothers me and she knows it bothers me she will do it.

And yes sometimes I pick and choose where to go. There was a family cruise not long ago before this covid situation. My brothers and dad didn't want to go and my mom went with other relatives. I didn't go either. And sometimes she askes why I don't respond to her and I say, "What's the point? You'll use what I say to hurt me and there will be a fight. I just want peace and quiet so not saying anything works better overall." My dad through this usually just watches or doesn't care. Sometimes cheers her on. I am not really trying to change them or know if it's possible, but I just want to be left alone to live my life in peace and quiet, not having to rebuy things because of them, not having to fix any of my relationships they try to break,etc. Is that something that's possible before they pass away?
0 Replies
 
CassidyMarks
 
  1  
Reply Wed 28 Oct, 2020 01:13 am
@Jessica20,
I really do hope there are no problems that can't be solved. And yes, I've talked to them about things and shared my feelings but it only backfired on me. Here's some examples.

Me: You do realize I'm an adult and that he and I are serious about things. It's rude to just pretend he and I don't exist.
Then: You two don't exist and neither do you for that matter.

Me: My friend is coming by with me there too. Please be nice to her and acknowledge that she's my friend.
Them to her: You showed up here? Don't you have less useful things to do with your life? You just ruin the atmosphere.
(My friend and I haven't been so close since that incident anymore either)

Me: Please stop ruining my friendships. All my friends don't like being near me especially when you're there because you are rude to people. This is also why my friends never liked coming over when I was little.
Them: I really don't care about any of your friendships.
0 Replies
 
Borat Sister
 
  1  
Reply Wed 28 Oct, 2020 05:14 am
@CassidyMarks,
Oh dear. That sounds really abusive.

I’m afraid they may not back off nicely at all.

They may be the sort of parents that you want to avoid as soon as you can be independent.

How close are you to that? Do you have other good options for living elsewhere?

If not, you may just need to try to limit the damage they do to you as much as you can.

I’m not sure if you’re in school? University?

Can you seek out people who will give you support and care? Friends, friends’ parents, teachers, counsellors?

Can you spend more time with your grandparents now?

My mother died when I was 14 and my father, though probably well meaning, was very emotionally abusive.

I sought out kind adults and made very good friends and relied on them...I also was lucky enough to be able to live independently soon after I started uni and spent minimal time with my father.

Good luck!
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Wed 28 Oct, 2020 09:45 am
@Borat Sister,
I have to respectfully disagree with your comments about "meaning well" Borat.

These parents, particularly the mother, are toxic narcissists.

One of the things they rely on are people saying things like "They mean well"

No. They do not.
I suppose it's generally accepted that most parents, or people in general, mean well and sometimes fail.

These people do not mean well....ever.....at all. Even on the occassions things do turn out well, it comes with a price tag later on.

To the OP, I feel very badly for you.
Trust your instinct that there is something very very wrong. But....you are not the problem.

Don't let others invalidate your experience, and what you know to be true by statements like, "it's not so bad", "they meant well" and the litany of other things you hear.

Dealing with narcissists is a soul crushing exercise in futility and frustration. Especially when it's with someone like a parent who you want to believe cares for you.

Many people enventually realize the only way to live any sort of happy life is to completely extricate themselves from both the narcs, and anyone who tries to gaslight you into feeling guilt for your own existence and enables the narc to continue their torture.

And no, torture is not too strong a word. I can easily feel your misery, and inability to escape the pain they inflict. It permeates every area of your life, doesn't it?

To start, there is a ton of great videos out there about narcs, presented by professionals. Watch a few, and I guarantee very quickly you will be saying "omg, that me!" When you read the comments made by others, you'll feel like you found your people.

You may decide you need therapy, or a support group. That would be a great thing.

I hope you come back and share more.

And remember, your experience is valid. Trust yourself, you are not, for instance "making a big deal about nothing".

Other people who are close to you might indeed be the primary ones telling you things like that. Perhaps because if they can keep you around to be the scape goat, you won't leave, making them the next in line for the narc to attack.



CassidyMarks
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Oct, 2020 12:30 am
@chai2,
It's true though because I don't remember ever feeling like they really meant well for me. They always just made me felt angry, drained, frustrated, and defeated with them and just no good emotions whatsoever.

And... "Trust your instinct that there is something very very wrong. But....you are not the problem."...thank you for your kind words. This is generally what people come to realize when they become aware of my life story basically. I also know to keep those that I care about at a far distance from my family. I always would joke about telling people that when the guy ever says he's ready to meet my parents I would tell him we could just skip that part forever lol. But it does hurt on the inside that one must plan their life/future differently from the rest because it is soul crushing as you said. Like I also know there's no dad to walk me down the aisle one day. My parents actually are not invited since they don't support it and want us to break things off so definitely don't need my wedding ruined. I can already picture it because it happened to my sister in law. My mom made her cry at her wedding day right in front of everyone. She ruined her big day and I won't allow it to happen with my big day. And it's true that you can't escape the pain as you said because it is in every area of my life. I may remove them from the wedding to get rid of the pain they may cause but then I also miss out on the role they should play in their daughter's wedding. My friends already had or will have their dad walk them down the aisle and have a great family event. I will just probably elope or something and just do it with my new family. His family does accept me as their own so that helps when I need somewhere to go to put myself back together again.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Oct, 2020 07:27 am
@CassidyMarks,
Just recently I have been reading about a friend's journey via her facebook posts. She is in her 50s and it took her to this point in her life to recognize she had a parent like it sounds like yours. She has decided (with the help of friends, non-toxic family and therapy) to cut them out of her life. Understanding some of what she shared - I can see how this has to be difficult. I can almost hear her triumph and relief in her words. I cannot give you any solid advice - at least more than you have received already - but can wish you well and hope you reach this stage of relief.

To answer your original question - why do some parent do that? I have no idea. Parents are supposed to put their children and their children's needs first.Yeah we screw up here and there, but typically it is out of ignorance or not understanding what is best. This behavior though is not that. There is something really wrong here and it is not with you. I am sorry that you did not get the parent(s) that behave in the best interest of their children - it is not fair and not right - and I really wish there was something more I could do for you -
CassidyMarks
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Oct, 2020 03:38 pm
@Linkat,
Yes, I totally understand how family and non-toxic family helped her out. Because for me those were like my real family and still are. I just didn't go through therapy so don't have an experience to share on that. I also understand the relief it must be for her to cut them out of her life. And as a kid I always wished I had different parents and didn't like to go home as most people liked going home. I wanted to avoid the place that made be scared and was full of tears. So much for my birthday or Christmas celebrations as a child which were nonexistent. But then again not seeing them on those days was a better gift than sitting there hurt either emotionally or physically when they do notice you. Now it is a bit easier since I see them less of course.

And I have no idea either why parents do that. I would never wish something like that for anyone let alone a child. I'd like die on the inside if a child ever committed suicide to escape such a life too. Even I had those thoughts as a kid but I'd feel like that would have allowed them to win for good which isn't something I could place on my bucket list.
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chai2
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Oct, 2020 04:17 pm
Short answer as to why. They’re broken.

They’re broken and you can’t fix them.
But you can get away from them.

You can wonder all you life if they can or will change. They can’t and won’t.
They will never see they are the problem.

Get involved researching about narcissists. Listen to what others on videos have to share about their experience, and learn about the tools you can learn and use to improve your life. If possible see a therapist. There are many other things to our can do. But it is for you, not them. They will not change. That is wishful thinking
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 Oct, 2020 06:37 pm
Cassidy
I really mis- interpreted your original posting. I thought you were a preteen going through normal parental angst. Thus, my comment about giving them a break because they probably didn’t know what to do with you. Now I see that you have filled in the gaps with more details, are between 25 to 35 years old and still dealing with these toxic parents.

You must give yourself permission to distance yourself from these people. Detach without guilt. Finding a counselor that can help you do that will help. Otherwise you will go through your life trying to please these unpleasable people and it will exhaust you and drain you and affect your efforts to be a good wife and mother.

Good luck.
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redlady
 
  0  
Reply Wed 18 Nov, 2020 02:18 pm
@CassidyMarks,
Hi, I understand what you mean about wanting to be by yourself. I was the youngest in my family by 4+ years apart and I stayed alone most of the time. I was never comfortable around a lot of people. I'm much older now and like to be around people, complete opposit, but I noticed that there is always a person or persons trying to be criticle of others as a form of controling them. Some are just noisy. I really don't think there is anything you can do about them questioning you about anything. You can't control what people say unless you cut out their tongues. I suggest you be blunt/extremely honest and ask them about something they might get offended about. Maybe they will not want to ask you anything after that.
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