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Sat 9 Jul, 2005 11:49 am
Well... I posted a while back about how I was having an affair with a teacher at my high school where I was enrolled. I was 19 and he was 45. Anyway, the general conscensus (sp?) was along the lines of 'dont' go near him, he is a perve'.
Anyway, despite what people said, me being madly in love with him, etc, we are still together 7 months later. I've now left school and I'm 20 in a month.
We're still hiding our relationship but plan on 'coming out' gradually over the summer holidays.
Well, I posted really to ask if your advice had changed??
We do love each other very much, it's got past the 'infatuation' stage now and we're still loving each other, I feel really comfortable in his company. He's not just using me for sex, we waited ages... we talk about all sorts of things, including the important stuff, like family, kids, marraige etc. I'm all for getting married and having millions of kids NOW (i've been broody since I was eleven) *rolls eyes* but he says I should go and experience life first, and that when I've done that I will probably come to my senses, dump him and go out with a lovely young bloke and have his babies instead. But he says he'll always be there for me even if we're not together as a couple. He says 30 is a good age to have a baby... I dunno... I have a friend I was at school with (she's the same age as me) and she's 5 months pregnant and really happy and settled with her boyfriend...
I'm quite mature for my age, I was hospitalised when I was 17 for clinical depression and anorexia for 7 months (that's why I'm so behind in school), so I've been around lots of 'deep and meaningful' people who were all a lot older than me (I was in an adult ward - average age 40). I've experienced a lot of things due to my illness that a lot of people don't experience til a lot later in life. Most of my good friends are aged 30 and above, I can't really relate anymore to people my own age. I do know though, that this man has experienced things I haven't and this puts us apart.
Anyway, yeah...
I am dreading telling my mum, and I'm NOT going to tell her he was my teacher because she'll over-react and call the police on him or something.
so what do you all think?
I think you are going to do what you want to do no matter what we advise.
Good luck.
yeah that's probably true... I don't know why I posted that really, it was more to see if 'normal' people could see my point of view, so I can gage how my mum and family will react?
If you were 19 and your teacher was 45, then this relationship was legal. So even if your mum does call the police, there is nothing they can do about it.
thanks, I know it was legal, it's just my relationship with my mum is VERY shaky. It was non existant but we did a lot of family therapy and it's slowly rebuilding... I don't want to mess it up. She HAS gone to the police about trivial things my brother and I have done in the past... she tend to over react.
I think that infatuation doesn't cease to influence relationships for quite a bit longer than 7 months.
If I remember correctly, it was not so much "don't go near him, he's a perve" as "if you go near him while he's still your teacher you're endangering his job."
If he's not your teacher anymore, I'm more into shrug territory. I still don't like a lot of things about it, like the inherent power imbalance given all sorts of factors -- teacher/ student, older/ younger, hero/ victim (all of the difficulties you've been through and his "there for you" role) -- it goes on and on.
All I'll say for now is that I think it's an absolutely terrible idea to get pregnant (????) for any number of reasons. So avoid that, then go from there.
Your parents probably won't like it. <shrug> It's not illegal, but there are all kinds of things about it that both casual readers and parents probably won't like.
oh... I didn't know that.
*a little dumb*
This is my first relationship ever. um... how do I do when the infatuation bit has ended? I thought it was when the 'desparation' element went away? when you can go a day without the person and not miss them terribly?
I'd call infatuation over when the cute things he does start to annoy you.
*sigh* I don't know what to think about the power imbalance. I know you are right about it. *being even more dumb* what makes it so bad though?
yeah, I'm on the pill, I'm not going to get pregnant... I'm not going through with the idea, I'm just entertaining it in my head.
ah... if it's when the cute things start to be annoying, then yeah, I'm still in the infatuation stage... damnit! Sorry, I thought it was a time thing... I'm so dumb sometimes.
Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer it.
Do you find it difficult to communicate with boys. Are you more shy around them?
no... I used to, but I don't anymore. I do see boys my own age in more of a 'little brother' type way though...
But I have lots of (platonic) friends who are boys.
hellohefalump wrote:no... I used to, but I don't anymore. I do see boys my own age in more of a 'little brother' type way though...
But I have lots of (platonic) friends who are boys.
Ok. Well it could be that meeting this teacher has given you the confidence.
I was asking you because I find it extremely difficult to talk to people in general boys or girls. I think at 20 boys are immature anyway (might be wrong). I get on with older people much better, don't know why.
What makes a power imbalance bad?
Gosh.
We get all kinds of posts here from husbands who are mystefied as to why their wife wants a divorce, or women who are having an affair and don't know what to do, and a really common theme is some kind of power imbalance. The woman is used to deferring to the man in ways large and small, and might not even realize it, it's just the way the relationship started and the way the relationship continued. Deferral as baseline is extremely destructive. These women "wake up" at some point, realize that they are no longer in love and they're just going through the motions that were established so long ago.
Thing is, they often "wake up" when they already have a kid or several, when they have lost time to gain education or work experience, when they have lost track of who they are as separate from this person they've been with. The waking-up process is horrible for everyone -- the often-blindsided man, the woman who has to start from scratch, and especially the kids.
I think that an honest, fulfilling, sustaining relationship should be between equals. This relationship does not seem to be between equals.
yeah I agree they're immature! most of the guys I hang out with are 18 though... even more so!
sozobe wrote:What makes a power imbalance bad?
The woman is used to deferring to the man in ways large and small, and might not even realize it, it's just the way the relationship started and the way the relationship continued. Deferral as baseline is extremely destructive. These women "wake up" at some point, realize that they are no longer in love .
I've always wondered. What is love?
sozobe... maybe that's what he means when he says I'll come to my senses and leave him? oh dear...
I hope I can stay in the happy phase we are in, but I can't help thinking your post makes a lot of sense. What will be will be I guess... but if I left him now, wouldn't that mean I'd never know what could have happened - and maybe it could have been good? maybe I'm just trapped by my own mind anyway.
hellohefalump--
Do you have a job? If not, who is paying the bills.
Do you have your own place? Or are you living with your mother?
When you and your former teacher date, where do you go?
You seem to be worrying in some of the right places. This is good.
I just finished school last week, I don't have a job yet but I'm applying. I've been living on state benifits for the last two years of my full time education because relationships with my parents were so bad they didn't want to support me anymore. I didn't want to leave school without any qualifications, so I applied on advise of the social worker at the hospital for benifits. I FULLY INTEND to get a job asap now I've finished though, I don't want to be scrounging off the state when I don't need to.
I live in a house share with four other students, all older than me (in their 20s), away from my parents. When we date, we usually just go back to his place, he lives by the sea so we can go for nice walks on the cliffs and beach and stuff. We also visit fish shops (I am a fish freak - the type you keep in aquariums) and public aquariums and cinema and stuff.
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