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NSFW- Was this rape?

 
 
Reply Tue 22 Sep, 2020 01:32 pm
I wake up occasionally with my boyfriend’s hair in my groin. I thought it was because of sharing a bed and hair naturally get everywhere. But today I woke up feeling somehow wrong, with a pain down there, and found the hair when showering. (When we do do it there is almost always a hair left. And last time we did it was weeks so I know it’s not that. ) Am I making something of nothing or did something happen? How can I know for sure? (I wouldn’t accept what he says because he has already lost my trust for other reasons.)
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Tue 22 Sep, 2020 03:39 pm
@HumanCompatriot,
Rather than answer your question (because I don't think there's enough information to be able to answer it correctly or with any sort of confidence), I'll address the elephant in the room: why are you still sharing a bed with someone you don't trust? Someone who you think is capable of raping you (while asleep? drunk? high?).

Even if there's a financial reason to still be living together, there's no reason to keep sharing a bed. This is why God invented couches.
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Tue 22 Sep, 2020 03:49 pm
@HumanCompatriot,
No one here can tell you if this person had sex with you.

So we have no idea if you are making something out of nothing, or if something, meaning sex, happened.

The only possibility I can think of is if you end up pregnant, and it coincides with 9/22/2020. Or if you have a STD and the doctor is able to determine when you got it.
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chai2
 
  2  
Reply Tue 22 Sep, 2020 03:50 pm
@jespah,
Agreeing with you Jes. I didn't bring it up only because you never know what the arrangements are logistically.
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HumanCompatriot
 
  0  
Reply Tue 22 Sep, 2020 03:58 pm
@jespah,
It’s not quite that I think he’s capable of it it’s I get really paranoid when I see certain signs, like the hair, and my mind just spins stories. And of all them this one is the only one that seems to fit. How else can hair go through so many layers of clothing and across a bed?
Not that I don’t trust him, per se, it’s just I don’t trust his word. He has broken to many promise, that to me is lying, therefore he lies. (I know that sounds weak, sorry.)
chai2
 
  3  
Reply Tue 22 Sep, 2020 04:07 pm
@HumanCompatriot,
Paranoia is a strange thing.

Out of curiosity, you don't think it would wake you up if he put his penis in your vagina?

What kind of medications/drugs/alcohol are you taking that someone could have sex with you and you wouldn't know it?

Note: this is not blaming you, blaming the victim. But I think realistically someone who was sleeping would wake up from that kind of activity.
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Tue 22 Sep, 2020 05:03 pm
@HumanCompatriot,
If I am sleeping with someone, there is implied consent. My partner is allowed to start any sexual activity with me and assume that I will tell them if I don't like it. Otherwise what would be be the point of being in a relationship. There are some things my partner knows I don't like... but that is a matter of respect. I did wake up to a nice surprise a while ago... I didn't give any specific consent, and believe me when I tell you I didn't mind one bit.

It is pretty simple. If you don't want to have sex with someone, then you shouldn't be in bed with them.

This is especially true if you don't trust him. He could murder you in your sleep. If you don't like playing the game, then just stop playing.

Break up already.


HumanCompatriot
 
  -2  
Reply Tue 22 Sep, 2020 05:04 pm
@chai2,
I’m not on anything but I have slept through fire alarms, earthquakes, screaming, etc. so it doesn’t feel too out of the realm of possibility that I could sleep through that as well.
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HumanCompatriot
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 22 Sep, 2020 05:11 pm
@maxdancona,
No offense but that’s absolutely disgusting. Telling someone that they “gave” consent while being unconscious just because they’re in bed together? If a drunk fell asleep in your bed is that consent as well?
maxdancona
 
  0  
Reply Tue 22 Sep, 2020 05:14 pm
@HumanCompatriot,
You are in a sexual relationship with this person. You are sharing a bed with them. I don't know what game you are playing... but this it doesn't make logical sense.

As I said, I was sound asleep. In the morning, my partner initiated a sexual act on me that I didn't ask for nor was I expecting. I don't consider that rape. My partner rightly assumed that I would like it because that is what people in a relationship do especially when they are in bed together.

Obviously if I am drunk and someone with whom I am not in a relationship starts something... that would be completely different.

If you don't want to be with your boyfriend, then ust break up already. You certainly shouldn't be in bed with him.
HumanCompatriot
 
  -2  
Reply Tue 22 Sep, 2020 07:03 pm
@maxdancona,
You can hug someone and they don’t have to hug back to know you care, kisses can be spontaneous as a way of showing you love them same as hugs, but if they are initiating sex with out your knowledge that’s like saying “I care more about pleasing myself than I do about you as a person” when only one person is having sex it is not sex. If you didn’t give them consent they took it.
maxdancona
 
  0  
Reply Tue 22 Sep, 2020 09:08 pm
@HumanCompatriot,
When my partner initiates sex with me, I generally take it as "I care about pleasing you and I want to knock your socks off!". I consider it it a very good thing any time my partner wants to initiate sex. Sometimes I don't feel like sex... and then I communicate. If my partner wants me to pleasure them, I am almost always quite happy to do what they want. I care about them, and they are happy to return the favor.

My partner doesn't need to ask for consent. They already have it. That is the whole point of having a sexual relationship. Of course, if I pull away or say "no", my partner will respect that. This might surprise you... but I want my partner to be pleased.

I want to have sex with my partner. I want them to get off. If I didn't want to have sex with them, I would end the relationship. When a relationship gets to the point where I have to ask for sex... I know it is time to end it. In a good relationship, people want to have sex with each other.

If you don't want to be with someone, then it is time to leave.

AJ McClean wrote:
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.


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bobsal u1553115
 
  2  
Reply Tue 6 Oct, 2020 03:09 pm
@maxdancona,
Quote:
implied consent


Is there also an implied consent to take picture and up load them, too?

Is there an "implied consent" to murder her in her sleep????

The explicit consent is "good night, I'll see tomorrow morning, sleep tight."

I certainly would not be sleeping with anyone I don't trust.
maxdancona
 
  -2  
Reply Wed 7 Oct, 2020 11:09 am
@bobsal u1553115,
Bobsal's post illustrates the problem with modern feminism.

Feminists can't see the difference between a cat-call and rape. Or understand that a song lyric is not an assault.

Sex (of several flavors) is an expected part of most relationships. Murder is not.

It shouldn't be that difficult to understand the difference.
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maxdancona
 
  -2  
Reply Mon 12 Oct, 2020 09:27 am
@bobsal u1553115,
I think the gender stereotypes are interesting here.

1) You will notice Bobsal's use of a gendered pronoun here for murder. Women do murder their partners in their sleep (I checked the statistics, women kill their partners at about a third of the rate that men do).

2) If a woman in a heterosexual relationship reaches down to start stroking her boyfriend's genitals after they have said goodnight... I don't think anyone would consider this rape. It is an invitation.

3) In a healthy long term relationship, partners will talk about these things. I know what my partner likes and doesn't like, and vice versa.

I don't know if you have ever been in a healthy long-term relationship. But, there is absolutely implied consent. People who are in a long term sexual relationship respect each other. But they don't need to ask permission for everything.


Sturgis
 
  2  
Reply Mon 12 Oct, 2020 11:27 pm
@maxdancona,
Quote:
...they don't need to ask permission for everything.


No, they do not. This though is different. It's sex. To my mind, any form of sexual activity with another person, involves mutual consent. Just being in an intimate relationship does not imply consent. It is not an endorsement to have one's body become the sex toy for another. Not if some serious discussion has not yet occurred. If both are in agreement, then that is their right. If either is not comfortable with such a situation, then it is a violation of the agreed practices.

maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Oct, 2020 09:56 am
@Sturgis,
I guess we are in agreement, maybe? We might be saying the same thing. I don't understand how you extreme liberal people manage sexual relationships-- but communication and respect seem to be pretty basic ideas..

In any long-term relationship I have been in we developed a basic understanding of like and dislikes, and then we enjoyed the sexual part of our relationship; giving and taking in a way that both of us are pleased with. When we need to talk, we talk. For me, sex in a long-term relationship is a given.

Humans have been doing this for tens of thousands of year. The 21st century political dogma notwithstanding... sexual relationships are a normal part of being human. Somehow, Modern Western culture has made it weird.

Sturgis
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Oct, 2020 04:04 pm
@maxdancona,
Quote:
...you extreme liberal people...

Extreme liberal? Who? Not me,that's for sure.

Quote:
...modern Western culture has made it weird.


I'm fairly sure that that is not true. However, you've done your utmost best (?) to make it weird while tossing digs at others.


As you said though, communication and respect. My earlier post was in regard to the idea of sex with a sleeping person. That for me is a no-go. If a person agrees to it, fine. The OP, did not seem inclined to think it a good twist.


...and really, with a sleeping person? What? You can likely get a better response from one of your blowup gals. (word on the street is you purchased the International Collection. A different doll each month!)
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Oct, 2020 04:15 pm
@Sturgis,
It seems like you are agreeing with me Sturgis. You can't stop the nastiness, but you don't seem to have a problem with my point.

I don't see your issue (or obsession) with my alleged use of blow up dolls. I don't see anything wrong with them. Although I do think a fleshlight is more practical (you can google it if you would like).

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maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Oct, 2020 04:38 pm
@Sturgis,
Are you suggesting that sex in Western culture is not weird?

In 21st century America, male sexual desire is demonized and female sexual desire is ignored.

We obsess over marriage which is supposed to be for life, but usually ends in divorce. Our marriages are supposed to be monogamous, but there is no longer the expectation of sex in marriage (meaning chastity in marriage). We expect fidelity, but not surprisingly we often have extra-marital sex.

Being single is a weird balance of wanting sex, but being told not to seek it. Married or single, most people report being unfulfilled. We are in the middle of a sexual recession... people report having less sex now than in decades past.

We persist with gender roles in spite of our claim to be challenging them. Sex is still seen as something that men want and the women accept... as something done by a man to a woman.

American view on sexuality started with Puritanism. Sex was seen as transgressive... that it done by sinful men to take the innocence of helpless women. Modern feminism has the same basic message... in 300 years our view of sexuality hasn't changed in that respect.
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