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What to do about my brother?

 
 
Reply Mon 18 May, 2020 09:56 am
He is 45 and a bully he lives at my parents house and tells them they must do this and that, I am 38 and live in a flat on my own I have saved money for a deposit and my brother wants me to split with my g/f and leave my flat to buy the parents house.
When i lived there he would wake me up at night early hours of the morning he likes to sit in the house bossing people around he has been fired from jobs as he has attacked the boss when they ask him to do something he does not want to do.
One time i was visiting my mum and he said she must go to town and buy him a mcdonald`s i said she does not have to and he started pushing me shouting get out of my house i said its mum`s house he got angry and attacked me.
Mum said he will not go shopping. you stand up to him he attacks you.
He says he is superior to the rest of the family he has done nothing with his life he has only worked for 3 years since he left colleague when he was 18 he has been living off our parents.
 
View best answer, chosen by RILEY1982
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 May, 2020 10:22 am
@RILEY1982,
Your brother is an adult. Your parents are adults. Why can't they work this out on their own? It is not your job to take care of either your brother or your parents.

I would just stay out of it. I certainly wouldn't go in with my brother to buy a house together if he is such an asshole.

There is nothing wrong with saying no. Just stay out of it.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
  Selected Answer
 
  3  
Reply Mon 18 May, 2020 01:47 pm
@RILEY1982,
What do you want to do?

Do you have any reason you want to split with your girlfriend?

Did you save this money to actually make a deposit on a home? If so, buy your own home with no ties to him or your parents.

If you want to help your parents, I would simply advise them to get legal help. To me it seems they should have him booted - since he is so great you would think he would want to live alone in his greatness.
RILEY1982
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 May, 2020 04:10 am
@Linkat,
Thanks it’s stressful as he rings me and harasses me.
I told him i have saved to buy my own house.
He likes to control peoples lives. He won’t live on his own as he is scared to.
He won’t do his own shopping or cook his own meals he doesn’t know how to pay bills (that’s what he says when it’s laziness)
If you be assertive with him he just attacks you.
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Tue 19 May, 2020 05:12 am
@RILEY1982,
So?

Block his sorry ass and communicate with your parents directly, avoiding him.

Spend your money and handle your relationship with no input from him.
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  2  
Reply Tue 19 May, 2020 05:59 am
@RILEY1982,
I would urge you not to buy a house or anything with your brother. Perhaps he will suddenly change and become a responsible person (I have doubts about that) if he does become responsible then he will be able to take care of himself and buy his own place, learn how to cook somethings. My two oldest nephews live in Texas, the oldest is 32 and doesn’t work (he lives with Mom) the younger is 28 and works very hard. He’s a personal trainer and also has a landscaping business......he’s not afraid of hard work.

I don’t think the oldest will ever get off his butt, he has an exaggerated sense of his role in the work place, which is just another way of saying he’s lazy.

But about your brother, I think you should not let yourself get talked into anything, family can be very persuasive......but you need to live an unencumbered life.....stay with your girl friend if you wish and save your money for yourself, not your brother.


0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 May, 2020 07:20 am
@RILEY1982,
RILEY1982 wrote:

Thanks it’s stressful as he rings me and harasses me.
I told him i have saved to buy my own house.
He likes to control peoples lives. He won’t live on his own as he is scared to.
He won’t do his own shopping or cook his own meals he doesn’t know how to pay bills (that’s what he says when it’s laziness)
If you be assertive with him he just attacks you.



I am sure it is stressful - I do feel for you and it cannot be easy. It is much easier for us to all tell you (what I am sure you already know) what to do - we are not personally involved or impacted by his bullying.

I suggest you stay your course. Just keep reminding yourself what you want and you deserve it. You worked hard to save to buy your own house. As much as possible minimize your contact with him.

Whether he likes it or not or is scared - he should be living on his own - your parents should not have to deal with him.

Do you have any resources you can tap into? I know my place of work has a resource where you can go for advice - this includes legal and other sorts of counseling - no charge. You might benefit from reaching to someone like that and asking what can I do? How can I prevent him from bullying me, and my parents? Is there a way I can help him?

To me your brother needs counseling - but he does not sound like the type that would take kindly to that advice - why I suggest you speak with someone that might guide you on how to handle him - but for your personal benefit and to give you peace of mind so you do not feel guilty for either your parents or your brother.

One think - you cannot change someone - but you can change how you feel and react to them.
0 Replies
 
edgarblythe
 
  2  
Reply Tue 19 May, 2020 08:32 am
It's possible to love a brother and to despise him at the same time, making these decisions much harder than they ought to be.
RILEY1982
 
  1  
Reply Sat 23 May, 2020 04:36 pm
@edgarblythe,
It was a nightmare when I used to live there. It was when i was in my early twenties if i was going out he would interrogate me where i am going? who with? what time i am coming back? sometimes he would put a silly chore to stop me going out at the last minute. That is why I cannot return there. I cant go through all that again.
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2020 09:01 pm
@RILEY1982,
He sounds like he has a very strong personality and he’s bullying you.

Are you feeling pressured by him and don’t feel you have the strength to get way from his demands?

Perhaps counseling would help you to develop the skills to detach from him - and feel OK about it.
RILEY1982
 
  1  
Reply Tue 26 May, 2020 02:42 am
@PUNKEY,
He is a bully he has taken my parents bank card off them and will only let them spend so much he says they’re idiots he is superior.
I’ve tried to stand up for them he gets angry and shouts it’s his house I kept saying it’s not it’s mums house he kept getting angry and attacked me.
If he is superior why won’t he get his own place?
He was supposed to go turkey this year my parents pay for him or he sulks.
0 Replies
 
Frances654
 
  2  
Reply Tue 6 Oct, 2020 10:40 am
@RILEY1982,
Hi Riley. Sorry to hear about your situation. I have a brother that is older than your brother he lived at my Mom's house. He did not pay for anything. My Mom bought all the groceries, paid for meals out, utilities, etc. My brother and I were close the past few years since my Mom had to go to a nursing home. He continued to live in the house rent free. I finally made him pay for the electric and water bills.

When she died, I had the unpleasant task of kicking him out of the house. He thought it was going to be his. I sold it and split the money between he, myself and my other brother. I figured, he was able to take advantage of my Mom's kindness for 18 years, the least my other brother and could get was a little money from the sale of the house. He hasn't talked to me since. It hurts but some people will continue to take a free ride as long as we let them.

Please DO NOT buy a house with your brother or let him move in if you do. If he has shown no responsibility for himself, he most likely won't. You will only ruin your life financially if you do anything with him. Good luck.
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