Guys/Gals, I REALLY need some help/advice...

Hi all,

I've got a definite problem that I would like some advice on. I've changed most references. I apologize for the length!

I am a 36 yr old divorced father of 3. I have one son, and two daughters (10,6 and 5 respectively). The girls live with their mother, my son with me. I've been divorced almost 3 years and separated almost 4. My ex and I have no custody order because if anything else, we both know the other loves the children. I pay her monthly because no matter how she uses the money, it's boosting her income and as such helping to provide for my girls. I send extra when I can...

I'm a typical guy in most respects except that I absolutely refuse to cheat on my GF or spouse. I never have and I never will... My ex and I broke up because she became complacent with our marriage and I worked too much. She found herself a boyfriend... but that's a different story. I just wanted to provide a little background information.

I've dated now for years. A couple of months here and a couple of months there with various women. The breakups were never about me not wanting to commit or anything like that. Quite the opposite in fact, I want to enjoy life, have fun, meet my best friend and someday marry again with someone I believe I will die next to...

I was doing real good on my own until about 7 months ago now when I met a woman named Robin. We had a pretty good relationship with the exception that we had very little in common. I new that it would never evolve into anything serious because of that. We never really grew into that once in a lifetime friendship that I know exists. BUT, we did have a pretty good level of intimacy. I'm not talking sex, I'm talking about our ability to just talk with each other. She woke something that I've since realized that I'm very much missing. Anyway, we eventually ended up breaking up and I was back dating again.

About a month later, along comes this 33 yr old woman who's name I won't mention. We met on Yahoo (after she left her husband) and she is separated, from New York with 1 10 year old girl. She left her husband in December with her daughter headed for North Carolina where I live because he had a girlfriend. About 3 hours into the trip; she decided to turn back because she didn't feel it was fair to her child to pull her away from her friends and out of school. She stayed about another month before she could not take it anymore and left to NC leaving her daughter to finish the school year.

Background on this woman. Since her daughters birth, her daughter has been EVERYTHING to this woman. She has done nothing but live for this child's every need and evolved her whole life around this child. Her husband is a controlling manipulating man who would not allow her to have any friends, associate with her existing friends and has even forced her from her parents at one point. Since her departure, he has started the child custody proceedings. In the initial hearing, the judge decreed that he had custody based on the fact that the wife (my GF) has diabetes which at this point are very much not under control....

So; here she is in NC... we meet and enjoy each others company. We have everything I mean EVERYTHING in common. Same favorite colors, same musical interest, same hobbies, same television interest, same food, same sports interests, same beer same everything... I can go on and on and on...

During my divorce depression, I remember watching a television show (because my father was watching it). The mother from the old "who's the boss" show was portraying a wife and another actor was portraying a husband. It was a "behind the scenes" type show where they showed the cameras and everything. They were baking a cake together and ended up getting more cake on themselves than in the pan. I remember thinking that those actors appeared more in love then my ex and I ever did. I immediately hoped that one day I would find a woman like that.

Well; I HAVE... this woman and I have been pure bliss. We talk for hours, we cook together, we share things that we have never shared with other people. We throw food at each other, have water fights in the kitchen and act like fools... All of my children absolutely LOVE her. Shes brought some of her things over to my house to personalize it (like a few pictures and some nick knacks etc...). I had absolutely NO doubt that this woman was very much in love with me! NONE!

I would look at her and be in awe at her beauty, I would touch her when we made love and feel like crying because I so very much cherished and adored her. Half the time, I never cared if there was actual intercourse; the way her skin would react and how she would arch into me as I kissed her stomach or anyplace else was enough for total mental fulfillment on my part. The way she would lay her head on my chest and cuddle with me after making love… I just knew so deep within my soul, that I never wanted another woman. Sometimes I would lay awake and watch her sleep, thanking god for bringing such a beautiful, caring, complete woman into my life. When she was not sleeping here, I would sleep with her pillows so that I could smell her and dream of the next chance I would have to hold her. My love for her was to say the least, extremely overwhelming. I love this woman like I've never loved another in my life.

I've gained a lot of experiences through my past relationships, but nothing could have prepared me for this woman because I've never felt this way before…

Here's the problem... and it's a huge one IMO.

1. Her daughter is not with her, so I know she's not 100% here. She can't be, and I so totally understand that.
2. Her husband still manipulates her. He had her drive up to NY a month ago to pick her daughter and once she was up there, threw a fit about an email that her mother sent out to her friends list asking them to forward it stating the facts of the custody proceeding and how they felt it was unfair. She did not slander the father in any way.
3. Her husband has since broken up with his girlfriend.

Because this woman feels that her back is against the wall for getting her child (and it pretty much is at this point), she has been trying to and has quite obviously successfully convinced her husband that everything is going to be OK. This has been done though phone calls to/from him and almost non-stop text messages on her cell. Last month, she had 1325 text messages.

I've been very tolerant of this because she has guaranteed me that she is unwillingly playing this game with him so that she can hopefully get her daughter back. And I understand her feelings of needing to be with her daughter... One day early last month, her sugar bottomed out (hypoglycemia). After not hearing from her for several hours, I drove to her house to find her on the floor. I had to call 911 who when they arrived wanted to know the last time she had contact with the outside world in an attempt to find out how long she had been bottomed out. I had to check her cell as she was home alone. In her text messages, I found pretty much what I knew was happening HIM: "Do you ever think we can love each other again" HER: "I hope so" and HIM: "We need to talk face to face" HER: "Yes, I very much agree" blah blah blah. This really didn't shock me, because I knew what she had told me about playing a game with him (even though I've never agreed or liked it). I really didn't like it, but have on several occasions asked her if she was playing her husband or me... She always assured me... him...

Anyway, their agreement for the summer custody stipulated that the daughter was to spend 4 weeks with her mother and be returned by a certain date. We are now a little over 4 weeks away from that date.

So; she takes a trip up to New York. Originally, the plan was to depart Thursday morning, arrive Thursday evening, pack the daughter and leave Friday, spend the day in the city and the night in a hotel that she had reserved. She was planning to stay in her daughters room at his house (something I emphatically protested) on Thursday night. I was very concerned about her making the trip because of the way her sugar has been, so when she mentioned that a good friend of hers was going to be making the trip with her, I was very happy. They were then supposed to stay at this friend's friend's house about 30 miles south of the destination. I now believe that her friend who made the trip with her was the voice whispering "go do it" with what eventually ends up happening.

Suddenly, the trip changes to "we're leaving Wednesday morning" so I'm like... "OK" because I knew how excited my GF was to be going to see and get her daughter...

Anyway, throughout the trip up, she text messaging me periodically.. "We're in Virginia" etc... and calling me when she had the opportunity. She called me after arriving and on the way to meet her daughter saying that she would call me on the way back to where she was to stay. I KNEW the moment she got there because all of the correspondence STOPPED. I mean ALL! I would send her a text message and it would take an hour or more to get a reply. And I totally understand this as well. If her husband were to find out she had a boyfriend, it would be catastrophic to her getting her child (even though there is a court order which should be able to be enforced legally).

So on into the evening Wednesday night, I never heard from her at all. Eventually, I know she's gone to bed at his house and can only pray that it was alone.

The last time she went up (the time her husband refused her bringing her daughter back down), she spent the night at her husbands house, supposedly in the daughters room (which I somewhat believe because she snuck outside to call me after everyone was asleep). I expressed that I was VERY uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangements and asked her to PLEASE not do that again... she agreed.

So, after having slept there on Wednesday, I was pretty upset. I tried to get like 10 minutes of uninterrupted conversation from her or a phone call so that I could express my feelings as well as put my insecurity monsters away (marriage scar). It was like pulling teeth to get a response from her. This led me to what was an obvious conclusion that her husband had taken the day off of work. She finally sends me a text message that "Everything will be OK"... I asked her if she had slept with her husband to which I get a one word response "No" and finally another text message "Heading to the beach, will call you later"... Nothing! No phone call. She's obviously spending the night again. On into the early morning hours, I'm absolutely livid. I send her text messages telling her how f*cked up this is...

Friday morning 05:30 I get a text message. "I'm off for my morning run..." After I wake around 7:30, I send one back. "I'm absolutely devastated by what you've been doing... I need the gods honest truth... DID YOU SLEEP WITH HIM?"... I leave for work, 50 minutes later I get back "Yes"...

I'm now in total devastation. This woman was my whole world (not literally.. just romantically)... I was and probably still am very much in love with her (which yes BTW, she has professed back to me when we were together). My first reaction was to thank her for her honesty, wish her luck and say goodbye. But instead I called her... trying to contain my tears. She answered the phone... The tears flooded... She all but begged me not to do anything rash that she can fix this when she returns. Throughout the day, I get sporadic responses back from her (quite obviously, my mind is a whirlwind of questions, hurt, anguish all of those feelings I'm sure most of us know)... I finally beg her to call me, that I will only ask her YES/NO questions so that she doesn't have to give away what she is talking about. I ask her...

1. Do you realize what you've done to my feelings?
A. Yes
2. The damage has already been done. It's time to be 100% honest with me, no BS. Do you want this to work?
A. Yes
3. Are you with your husband?
A. No
4. Will you be with your husband?
A. Yes, as well as our daughter...
5. Will you be sleeping with your husband again?
A. I can't answer that.
6. Do you plan on contacting me at all before you return to NC?
A. Yes
7. Do you realize how hard this would be to fix... if I was to try?
A. Yes
8. When will you be returning?
A. I gotta go!

Shortly after, I get a text message "Baby.. I can't be there now, I'll be back Tuesday!"

Based on her comments, and what she's told me, I feel as though her husband manipulated her into the point where she had to have sex with him for whatever reason(s)...

Now... for me, sex is the most intimate thing that a couple can share. I don't have sex with just anybody. If I have sex with someone, that means that I love them and have professed that already. I don't love easy at all, so if I profess love to someone, that means I'd die for that person. So essentially, I feel that she has totally betrayed me and I'm honestly not sure if I can ever go back to where we were.... It is as if she has taken every wonderful memory I had of her, and replaced it with images of her... the woman I love submitting, stroking and moaning for another man penetrating her. I'm sorry to be so graphic, but that's exactly what it's like for me. I know he's her legal husband, but they were supposed to be done! At this point, I can't even think of wanting to have sex or share any level of intimacy with her ever again... I'm sure after I heal from this my view might change, but right now, I can't even imagine it.

Searching for some strength to carry on until Tuesday without letting my mind get the best of me, I seek out and go speak with her step father. Not to throw a fit, or make a childish ass out of myself... But to find out what his perception of her feelings towards me are. Whether he thinks she's playing me, or is genuinely in love. He is brutally honest with me (which I thank), and tells me that he doesn't believe that she is in love with me and that he's convinced that she is playing not me, but everybody. He thinks that she is trying to convince her husband that they can reconcile so that she can move back up to New York, move back in, get him to eventually trust in their relationship again, and then.... leave with the child as she should have done originally.... He tells me not to return her calls or text messages, to let her stew for a bit... He tells me that he was going to come over to talk with me anyhow because he and her mother are at their wits end with what she has been doing with not only me, but everything else in her life, and they've both warned her not to hurt me because they both like me, and can tell by the way I look at her that I'm very much that I'm in love with her....

Giving up to the fact that there is nothing I can do but wait until Tuesday, I don't send her any additional text messages or attempt to call her throughout the rest of the day... I do though call the friend she traveled up to New York with to request that since I won't be in touch with my GF anymore, if she could please look after and make sure that she checks her sugar as she should (my GF doesn't check it as often as she should). I inadvertently ask "Are you guys having a good time?".. meaning the friend and her friend whom she's staying with. The friend volunteers that they're having a good time and proceeds to cover for my GF. I inform her that I already know that she's been staying at her husbands house and has slept with him. She very much doesn't want to be dragged into the middle which I understand and assured her that I wasn't about to do. She does volunteer though that my GF is having extreme difficulties and is pretty upset.... yet is at her wits end and willing to do ANYTHING to get her daughter back. So naturally, I'm drawn in and comment "But I don't think that she should have to sleep with him... but that's not my call"... to which she responds "How else is she going to get her daughter?"...

So... to the question...

The way I see it... She's either...

A. In a predicament where she HAS to make her husband trust in her stories about reconciliation and as such was pressured into sleeping with him..

or

B. Needed to go up for some type of final closure and got herself in over her head.

or

C. Is in fact trying to sway her husband into taking her back so that she can spend an indefinite amount of time working the relationship to the point where there is enough trust so that she can take the child and run back to NC where she can begin the custody battle out of state thus making the defendant bear the burden of the battle. By the way, I disagree with this approach because from what she's told me, I would expect he would make the trip and track her and his child down!

My questions for her on Tuesday will include... When does this end? What is going to happen when you have to take your daughter back up there? Am I just a way to get back at your husband for his affair? If you honestly want to fix this... why? Where do you see it going?

I've made a date for tonight with a female friend that I broke conversations off with when I met my GF. Not to get even, not to be mean... just to get out and try to get my mind off of it... enjoying some good company...

What do you guys/gals think about all of this? Should I bother? I so very much loved/love this woman but I don't know if she can fix it and if I want her to. I'm prepared to demand that she choose between carrying on with her husband or me. I can't be a puppet, I can't put my emotions on hold for her. And I definitely don't need this baggage... even if she is the woman I've always dreamed of.

I haven't heard from her since, and don't really expect to until she returns...