Brief introduction: 25 year old Canadian male. About 3 months ago in late January, I lost my virginity to a sex worker at a massage parlour here in Montreal. I had been a virgin who had never been intimate with a female in any way whatsoever. I badly wanted to know what sex felt like. Before giving in, I had fought hard to prevent myself from going to this massage place (debated the idea in my head for 5 months and kept pushing through until I couldn't handle it anymore and decided to go one day no matter what). The next day, I went again and had sex with another masseuse . Right after these encounters, I felt deep shame and guilt, all of which have since subsided. In fact looking retrospectively at these experiences at the moment, I cannot help but reminisce vividly about the sessions almost everyday. Up until this day, I have been battling the urges to do it again. I still have not gone back or seen a sex worker ever since. Yet the urges have been very strong to do it once more.
There are a number of reasons why I have been trying to prevent myself from engaging in a third encounter. First, in Canada where I live, paying for sex is illegal but selling sex is not. Generally police don't care about consenting adult prostitution but since the law exists, you never know when their priorities may change. As such, I have been scared to death of the off chance of getting busted and arrested for purchasing sex. Tbh, it seems the chances of this happening are low since police are mostly busy with dealing with trafficking and situations where minors are involved instead but that is only an educated guess and not an objective analysis. Erotic massage parlours offering sex in Canada are everywhere and flourishing across the country. Yet, since the law exists and the possibility of getting arrested for something like this is totally frightening to me (it would be a fate worse than death for me), I have been trying not to take my chances with the law even if the risk is low. Yet the urges are super strong and there are times where I feel I have no choice but to succumb to them. Currently, thanks to covid19, these places appear to be temporarily closed and at the same time, I am doing my part self-isolating and that also means a no to hiring sex workers or meeting any person. My concern, however, is that these urges will be much harder to fight when the pandemic ends and things get back to normal. The covid19 excuse will be lifted and I will be tempted so hard to go again and risk a low and spontaneous chance of arrest. Hiring a sex worker for an outcall appears to be much safer legality wise since the police are not really going to come to your home and conduct a sting. Yet, the anxiety of inviting a stranger to your home far supersedes the anxiety of going to a discrete establishment which offers these services and which I have already done twice.
I am quite lonely and never been in a relationship in my life. It will take some time to work on things I need to work on for that to happen (getting in shape, improving social skills around girls). I have already started working on these things and I am not discounting getting into a relationship in the future. But it may take time. Say a few years at the very least to get into a more confident position, physically and mentally. I also do not want to seek a relationship for the sole purpose of satisfying my sexual urges or for the sole purpose of sex because by definition that wouldn't really be a loving relationship. The idea of getting into a relationship to me seems to be a way to circumvent the sexual urges and render them as no longer relevant by eclipsing them with something that feels so much better (say mutual love, caring for someone else etc). But given the chance that this possibility may take time to materialize if it is ever even destined to happen, the real issue seems to be how I will be able to deal with my very strong sexual urges in the meantime. Can I really completely block those urges for a few years at least when I am finally ready to put myself out there. Getting sex organically seem to not be an option. As I said, I am out of shape, lack confidence, and self-esteem. I also don't feel comfortable trying to manipulate people into having sex with me. That sounds quite creepy and may be unwelcome. You also never know what a random person's attitudes to sex are. Some girls may simply not be into it and thus it may be quite offensive especially also that sex is quite taboo in many cultures. A sex worker on the other hand is upfront about sex and the arrangement is quite direct as what its goals are. Which is why it seems to have been the most logical option to pursue in order to fulfill my desires. Obviously it is quite expensive but I can choose to do it at very spaced intervals (say every 6 months) and save for it by spending less on things I don't much need. But, then again, the legal situation is so complicated and hazy that I feel so uneasy and uncomfortable going that route.
A third option is to find a way to block my sexual urges completely. So far, I have been doing that by taking walks/reading interesting books whenever the urges happen and they tend to work but I am not going to lie, sometimes the urges are super strong and particularly in the morning when my libido is highest. Can I really hang on to these urges for years? I question my ability to do that. How will I deal with my loneliness and low self-esteem in the meantime? I mean a main reason why seeing sex workers seemed a good option to me was the possibility that it may fix my shyness around girls and boost my very low self-esteem by giving me some validation. The fact that a woman allowed me to be intimate with her even if artificially so still did something to my super low self-esteem. I liked the interactions I had with the sex workers I saw. I treated them super nicely and they told me I was quite respectful to them. They were happy and friendly . And I still reminisce happily about those interactions I had. They were very intimate and taught me things about sex. So, I am left wondering why the taboo exists around consenting adults sharing moments like this together just if an exchange of money is involved. By doing so, I am also supporting sex workers and their work. Given that the law exists however criminalizing any purchase of sexual services, I feel I should not take my chances with the law further however.
How would you act in a situation like this? I am totally lost as to what I should do and how to proceed forwards in my life.
I am in not in a very good state mentally since I have been going through a lot, first the stress around my first sexual experience took long to dissipate and I have been thinking deeply and been having a lot of intrusive thoughts about what I did and examining what I want in life, so please if you have any negative comments or insults, I would really appreciate it if you don't leave them here. My poor mental state cannot handle any more negativity (I spent a lot of time crying the past few months)
I am trying to be a better person I promise you.
Thank you so much and sorry for the long post