What can I do when we lose passion in sex and in our relationship?

Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2020 08:45 am
My husband is good to me in some way, I really admire his intelligence and I am the type of sapiosexuals. We were at first really compatible, but when we got to live together, incompatibilities show up, especially in sex.
He compared me to his ex when it comes to sex. He said that he doesn’t feel anything when he is inside me and keeps describing in details about how good the sex with his ex was, to an extend that he woke up in the middle of the night and was shaking and craving for sex after she’s gone.
When I said that I wanted to have more foreplay because me neither, I don’t feel anything. He told me that he did a lot of foreplay for his ex.
When I said that I wanted to be raped by him. He told me that he raped his ex.
I don’t know what it is for talking about those things, I feel like he is not in the present moment with me and doesn’t love my body and see my value.
He told me that my vagina was weird and not tight.

I just want to enjoy sex together, it is not important for me to have orgasm but I feel like he puts pressure on me while always asking me ‘did I come?’ or I feel like he might not want to have sex anymore because he can’t satisfy me. He also bought me a sex toy to help the sex last longer, but the thing is that I need emotions.
We are now living in distance from each other. I have high drive in sex again, which I lost when I was with him because of mental exhaustion, I miss him and want to have sex with him, but when his words flash back in my mind, I can’t help but crying every time, it hurts me and my confidence.
I even have a desire to have sex with someone else, just to be treated passionately like a princess, maybe I want to feel confident again or to prove that I’m ok, there is nothing wrong with me. I will not do this of course but I mean I even have that thinking.
I told him about what I think, need and how he hurts me. He stopped talking about his ex, but I can’t get it out of my head, I want to have sex with him but still there are still blockages in this area. What can I do?
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2020 09:00 am
He compares me to his ex when it comes to sex. He said that he doesn’t feel anything when he is inside me and keeps describing in details about how good the sex with his ex was, to an extend that he woke up in the middle of the night and was craving for sex after she’s gone.

I stopped reading here.

This would be grounds for divorce for me. I would either leave right away, or I would demand that we go to therapy and leave if he didn't agree.

Actually I would probably just leave.
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2020 01:14 pm
Why are you living apart?

What are your ages?
Reply Fri 10 Apr, 2020 05:28 am
I am with Max on this one. If he is comparing you to his ex, then you need to exit.
Reply Fri 10 Apr, 2020 07:45 am
I was studying abroad in France. We were in long distance relationship for a while and when I finished my study, we got married and I moved to Germany with him. It has been only 4 months since I moved there, and I didn't finish my paper process neither getting a job. Living together exhausted us mentally so I take a break, take a chance since I didn't get a job yet, to see and stay longer with my parents in my country. And I will stay here until the pandemic gets better, also I want to study german and find a job before returning there. I hate the feeling of dependence.
I'm 25 and he is 26
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Reply Fri 10 Apr, 2020 07:49 am
Thank you for your advise. I think I should talk to him about the therapy first, since I think that we have problems about understanding and power struggling too, which might have led to this situation. If things don't work well, I have no other choice than saying goodbye Sad Thanks a lot
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Reply Fri 10 Apr, 2020 07:59 am
He told me that he talked about the sex with her in order to improve ours. I don't know but it just puts pressure on me and hurts me. I might seek for therapist first and will exit if nothing changes. Thank you for your advise.
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Reply Fri 10 Apr, 2020 09:44 am
The solution to is pretty simple its basically a mental block both of you need to go find and read you some sexual stories on the internet and do you some reading this will rekindle your passion you may also try erotic and fetish role playing ...
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Reply Fri 10 Apr, 2020 07:53 pm
He sounds very immature and impulsive in his speech. Did you ever notice this before?

I mean, who in their right mind talks about an ex in such intimate detail to a new spouse?

He’s trying to get you to end this charade because he doesn't have the courage to do it himself.

You sound like you are halfway there, anyway.
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Reply Thu 30 Jul, 2020 05:39 am
No one can give you specific advice because all anyone knows is what you have said, not his side of the story. In an adult relationship everything is 50/50.

But what can be said in general terms is that relationships only work when the people in them match .... If both people want sex 4 times a day all is well, but if one person wants that and the other has no sex drive, then there is what a computer OS used to call a 'Fatal exception'.... It just doesn't work and never will.

As for what he apparently said about his ex and your body ..... did he?

My wife and I have been married a very long time and she is a Dr of Psychology ... We are an egalitarian, symbiotic and Gestalt unit.

Whilst my mind is highly ordered, my wife's mind is all a bit 'mad professor' which goes with her literal genius IQ 160+.... I know that on occasion she holds entire conversations with herself and then remembers them as actual conversations which I taken part in.

Sometimes she'll say something like "You didn't like that book" or "You don't like that sort of pasta' or "I threw that blue coat away because you didn't like it"..... Which leaves me somewhat confused as I have no clue what she is talking about. We laugh about it and she accepts she does it.

Whilst I am not saying you are my wife, what I am saying is are you 100% certain that you did not take something he said .... Then turn it into something you thought you should hear to fit into your own idiom of life with him?

When anyone says "My partner is this, that and the other (all negative) ... My partner makes me feel like a pile of poo and I am super unhappy - what should I do?"

They know what to do, they just cannot face their reality .

People too often fall into relationships without thought ... but then cannot cope with digging themselves out of their mistake.

Two adults do not make a good relationship. A good sex life certainly does not make a good relationship .... It is people who match each other in as many ways as possible from their origins, socio economic group, views on politics, religion, families, friends, socialising, money, education, the importance of sex, the type/style of sex and any other category one can think of which has the best chance of creating a decent, happy, LTR.

Good fortune to you.

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