Are people Irredeemable?

TL;DR

We met via dating site, we hooked up and we were both interested but due to family, upbringing and country I fucked up. So he starts breaking up with me for months and not disclosing every info. After many break ups at one time when we were not together I had sex with others, he came back and wanted to be with me and so did I but i was sad and angry so I did it again. Eventually we got together but after a few months he started to rethink what happened and he got really angry, explained to me more things and broke things off. During that time I changed completely(for the better) apologized and regretted what I had done. Eventually we got back together and everything was great(apart from sex since he wasn't in the mood). Fast forward 8-9 months he started thinking about everything again and said that he can't get past what happened and that he was never satisfied with me sexually because of all the issues(he said the same the last time he broke up with me) so now he wants to have sex with others again(it's been 1 year and 9 months since I had sex with that other person).

I suggest you read the full story and not form an opinion from this short text.


Full Story

As I said in the title this is going to be a long post, since it's a three year story I will try to provide as much information as possible. A few things first I am currently 22 and he is 25, we live in a European country where the church holds power, the families are generally important, most of the parents are overprotective of their kids and people(mostly the older) generally have conservative values.

We met in February 2017 via a hookup app(romeo) for sex, I liked him so we talked in the app and met a couple more times to have sex(now some context about my situation with my family, I live with my parents who dont know I like men, only my mother actually knows cause she caught me browsing romeo one night in summer 2015 on my computer, we didn't directly talk about it but after I returned from my summer vacation my parents suggested I went to a therapist to work out issues, so because of these reasons and cause my parents are always around my house we never went to my house and for some time we only had sex outdoors, about his family I only knew that he lived with his mother and sister). Eventually we started going to his house and having sex there(his mother is super chill and didn't mind me coming but she didn't know either that he liked men)unfortunately we met usually once a week because my mother was still suspicious that I might go out with boys and she would call me and ask me who I was going out with and to not be late(during that time I was in my second year at university and initially he told me that he was also at uni but he later revealed to me that he actually was not in uni but he was studying to give the entry exams in order to enter a university too, all this time which was about 1-2 months tops we both still had our romeo accounts). So we didn't meet regularly cause I had my parents being controlling and had to study and go to my classes and after revealing that he was studying for the exams I understood that he had to focus therefore we only met once a week. Furthermore when we were outside I was very reserved as I was afraid of what people might say or do since our country is not that gay friendly(and unfortunately he translated all this as signs that I was ashamed of him, plus I was really stupid one time during the beginning when we hang out and told him that if I see him by accident outside I probably won't say anything again this is my mistake for letting my fear and upbringing take control and I regret it). When I went to his house I would be there at around 8-9 in the morning and leave at around 3-4 in the afternoon (basically went during uni hours in order not to draw attentionfrom my parents) (some more context, I shared with him my past and revealed an event that hurt me but when I asked for his in order to get to know him better he would give little to no details) .

I liked him and I wanted to be with him and after a while I actually thought about asking him to be my boyfriend but I was afraid, I always had the fear that noone would actually love me and want to be with me so I didn't say anything. One day instead he asked me if I wanted to be his boyfriend and here was my first big mistake. I didn't want to lose him cause I was happy, so I had this notion that by saying yes and being in a relationship it would automatically put an end date in what we were building and I didn't want an end so I didn't give him a straight answer. I wanted to be with him but making it official would mean that there would be an end, so if we didn't make it official there would be no end in us, that's how I was thinking it(and at that time I made the mistake of not explaining my line of thinking to him). So a little more time passed and he told me via text that we were over, the reasons were that I didn't say yes to being in a relationship with him and that I was constantly on romeo all this time having sex with other people. So now I explained to him the reasoning as to why I didn't say yes even though I wanted to be with him. Also I explained that I wasn't on romeo to have sex I was looking if maybe anyone i knew was in there(at that time only two of my girl friends at uni knew about my preferences and none of my old high school friends, there are not a lot of gay kids here, I am actually the only one in my class) and that I didn't have sex with anyone cause that wouldn't be right since I liked him and was going out with him. He was surprised and told me that because he thought that I was having sex with others that he went and had sex with a random guy, I told him that it's ok and all this was just a miscommunication issue and that we need to be honest and talk to each other(since it's been so long I am a little fuzzy on the details but I'm pretty certain that we agreed to be in a relationship if not the same day that we talked about all this then a few days later, in the end I think we both kept our romeo profiles, he asked me to keep his because he had a friend that he only has romeo and can only talk to him through there so I believed him and agreed).

A little more time went by and so came summer of 2017(we kept seeing each other once a week cause of the mentioned issues) so I left for vacation with a friend of mine. While I'm away he told me that he wants to break up and he blocks me(which I have told him that it really hurts me since a person in high school did the same). I decide to create a fake romeo account, I start talking to him and eventually reveal myself we talk for some time and eventually he unblocks me and we are back together(i am not sure if he said that now or one of the next times, but he said that the reasoning behind the break up is just the stress from studying for the exams, about the exams, when I meet him he was studying for the exams in the summer but after meeting me he got a liking in math and science, so he changed the subject cause he found them more interesting that what he was previously studying so he didn't have the exams that summer but instead next summer). After I returned from my vacation and until the end of December 2017 he breaks up with me almost every week and sometimes even twice a week(he also blocks me a few times). One time I'm in his house asking him for maybe an hour or something to talk to me and tell me what is going on and what is bothering him. Finally he tells me three things, first that he is annoyed that I haven't introduced him to my friends, second that I am gonna leave him cause I have stated that I want a family in the future and third that I had plans to study abroad so that put an end to our relationship. I explained to him that I didn't introduce him to my friends because it always felt weird for me when people introduced their S.O in their friend group, I was thinking that I would be "showing off " like here is my boyfriend take a look at him and I didn't want things to be awkward but I told him that since he wants to meet my friends that it will happen(and in the future many times I asked him when he wanted for all of us to go out but he never responded and later revealed that I didn't matter anymore since I didn't think it in the first place and that he had to say it to me). About the second thing involving the family I said that we can have a family together (he initially though that because I am bi I would leave him for a woman). Lastly about my studies I explained that I still had about at least 7-8 years of studying in my country, so if I went abroad it would be in 8 years and I would take him with me(as he revealed months later there were other issues too that he didn't reveal that day, some time during those months he also told me that he was going to a therapist and she suggested that we break up because I didn't meet his needs and that maybe he should try a relationship with a girl too)

At the end of December of 2017 he told me to break up and we actually didn't talk for almost a month, then one day he texted me and said that he wants to be with me and we were together again (at that time because every time he broke up with me I was very sad I told him that I dont know how much of this I can take and eventually I might break, act stupid and I don't know what I might do). Everything was great for a while but one day in the end of April 2018 as I get ready to watch infinity war he texts me and he says that he wants to break up, that he is sorry and that he needs to focus on studying (and also I think he blocks me but I'm not 100% sure). Unfortunately I am angry and pissed at him for doing it again and I lose control so the next week I'm in my head like you dont really love me, you only played with me and you want to be with other people so I'm gonna be too and I go and have sex with two people(he later revealed that he was gonna text me the next week but he saw me online in romeo so he went to have sex too), with one of them the second time he convinces me to remove the condom, but since I didn't use a condom a make and appointment two weeks later to get tested which showed a negative result so I was relieved. Now fast forward to the beginning of June 2018 he texted me and he said that he wanted to be with me again(I told him that I had been with other people after we broke up) but this is the first time that I didn't say yes, I wanted to but I was afraid that what happened before was gonna happen again, I had always trusted him and never had a second thought about anything he said, it was complete blind trust(which he later revealed that he believed was indifference) but now I couldn't. I explained that I will think about it after the summer exams(which were beginning in June) but he kept asking me and I told him to wait cause I could barely focus on studying. After the exams were over I was still angry at him, when the exams were over my parents left for a few days(during that time I was also sick with tonsillitis)and I said that I would leave too, and here was my other major mistake where I majorly fucked up I lost control and let the anger make decisions. I put provocative titles(looking for big cock and etc) in romeo and grindr and found a guy and had sex with him (and recorded some parts), during the whole journey to go to his house I had second thoughts I was like "what you are doing is fucked up, you dont really want this you are just angry" every step of the way I regretted it but I felt like I was not in control of my actions, my anger was, but I didn't stop and I went to his house (unbeknownst to me he was spying on me in romeo and grindr and he figured out that I went to have sex). A few days later we met and it was awkward cause I didn't know what to say, I wanted him, I loved him but i was afraid that history was going to repeat and i was still angry, i didn't fully trust him. We also went to a sauna and had sex in a private room (without a condom), when we were leaving i saw that he look weird, that there was something going on but he didn't say anything. A few days later he asked my if I had been with someone else and I admitted it. So before I left for vacation I told him that I do want to be in a relationship with him but he was surprised because he thought that I was going to say no so he said that he wasn't ready yet. I went on vacation (I met with one guy there who gave me a bj) and after I returned we agreed to be together but in an open relationship(he asked to see the videos which I had recorded so I sent them to him), we both had sex with other people during the summer and we even had a threesome but because we had an open relationship we agreed to wear a condom with each other too(which rule we didn't really follow).

Fast forward to September, we agreed to close the relationship and not have sex with other people(but I made the mistake of not deleting the apps, I just didn't use them anymore, if you ask why I didn't delete them it's because I didn't see an issue since we both didn't use them and I wanted to have them in case we decided to have a threesome again) so we decide to get tested again in order to have unprotected sex. I make an appointment and get tested but a few days later they ask me to come back again in order to get some more blood, by this point I start to panic since it's not normal, so they get my blood again and a few days later they call me to come get the results. It turns out I fucked up and tested positive, I almost have a breakdown in the clinic, I go by his house to tell him the news and I'm afraid that he might be too and I should kill myself for what I did, for what I have to live with and that I can't live with this, but he helps me and calms me down. A few days later I go and get tested to another place and i get the same result, fortunately the person there made an appointment to a hospital. For the whole month of September and a little more I was a mess, I didn't want to have sex with him cause I wasn't sure that he also had it so I didn't want to risk it even with a condom, I suggested that if he wants he can go and have sex with others cause it's been some time, eventually he got tested and he was also positive and I hated myself for what I did to him. In November of 2018 he came to my house for the first time cause my parents had left for a few days, but I was afraid that some neighbor might see him and casually mention something(not with ill intent, just sharing news) and my parents might find out that a guy came to my house, my paranoia and fear took over unfortunately so i asked him that we dont talk a square block before my house. When we were laying on my bed I noticed that he wasn't ok so I asked him and said its nothing and he was just tired so I believed him. A few days later he told me that he was upset because I told him not to speak when we are close to the house and that he started thinking what happened during the summer and that he kept watching those videos with me and was really angry(all this time he has been studying for the exams but in my country if you are positive you dont have to give exams, you enter with your high school mean average, so he had plenty of time to start thinking). He told me that I was a dick because I had sex with that guy even though he came back and wanted to be with me, that in 2017 I did not say immediately yes to being in a relationship with him, that I haven't introduced him to my friends and that we don't meet regularly (we still met around once a week), he also told some of his family story, that his father was drinking and was causing trouble in the house and that's why they left and that they had just moved to the new house with his mother a few months before he met me, that he was waiting for "the prince" and when I didn't immediately say yes I shattered that. I tried to fix what I could so after he expressed his complaint I decided to go ever day to his house, not only because he wanted it, I also wanted it and now after he told me all that i started to get the courage to stand up against my parents. I would be at his house from 10-11 in the morning till 7 in the afternoon, I missed every class in uni and I barely ate cause I was there all day(which resulted in me loosing losing weight). I wanted to show him affection, that I cared and that I always wanted to spend time with him but our obligations were in the way, I thought he understood that, he made it clear that he wasn't happy with the current situation so I tried to change(my parents were being annoying like where are you so many hours out if the house but I fought it). One day after saying again that he keeps thinking of all that happened he blocks me, then I make another fb and talk to him, we talked there for some time and he eventually unblocked me but he was still pissed. Eventually he told me to break up again but I was still coming to his house, so one day when he went to messenger to show me something, my eye caught another conversation and the text sent from him was "what's up handsome? " so I asked him what's that, I told him that it's ok since we are no longer together and I can't tell him who to text, so he said the way I say it sounds bad so maybe we are just in a complicated phase, all this time he only wanted to be top(he was mostly the bottom in the relationship). Some days later we broke broke up and told me that all this time because of his bad mood he didn't enjoy sex with me(being a bottom) so he wanted to be with others and that he isn't truly a vers but a bottom mostly and he only pretended to be vers cause I am one, I try to convince him not to leave me and that we can be open but he didn't want to be with me.

In the end of December 2018 I'm about to have eye laser so the last day that I'm at his house before the procedure I apologize again and tell him to think about us being together(even in an open relationship) and before I leave he says that he will think about it. The night before the eye laser I am really nervous so I can't sleep properly and I wake up early and see a text from him saying, sorry I can't do it, and I panic cause I don't want to lose him. So things in the eye clinic are bad, before the procedure they give you a pill to relax but obviously it didn't work, even during the surgery they poured a ton of anesthetic drops but I was so stressed that my eyes wouldn't stop twitching, thankfully all went well. I spend a couple of days in the bed in the dark and we talked on the phone cause I couldn't type. A few days after Christmas I asked him if he had sex with someone cause in romeo he had the looking for sex but he said no, so the Sunday after Christmas I went unannounced at his house to talk to him and saw a lubricant on the desk and he admitted that he indeed had sex. In the following days we talked and I told him that all these things that he told me now he has never said them before, he said that in the beginning he asked for a relationship and I didn't say yes so what was the point in believing that I would later change? And I said give me a chance, I have already changed(at that time I came out to all of my friends to make him see that I can change) and that I can change even more I proposed to talk to my parents so we can go out and on trips(one of the things he said was that we didn't do things that couple do, which is true, I wanted to do them too but uni and fear held me back), he said that he can't believe me after what happened that summer and that it was a turning point for him and that he wanted some things from me(the standards of a relationship)which I didn't give him. Also he said that in the past every time he would say that he wants to break up that it wasn't a break up just an argument between couples, he also revealed that he was actively avoiding me during 2017, when he said that he was studying and wouldn't log in to messenger it wasn't because he was studying (which he wasn't doing very much) but because he didn't want to speak to me and some times when that chat head from messenger would pop up he would delete it. I admitted again that I made mistakes, that I shouldn't have these insecurities that they indeed held me back, that I was afraid of the situation with my religious parents but he should give me a chance and see if I can change even further. Every day I kept say all these things and having the same conversations and ask for forgiveness and recognizing that I fucked up till the middle of February 2019(sometimes we would go a week or maybe two without speaking). All this time since December I couldn't relax, I was thinking about killing myself and I even said it cause I couldn't take it anymore, I even made a plan of all the things to take care of before doing it, but he told my friend from uni and she freaked out understandably, my semester exams in January got fucked up because I didn't study anything cause I couldn't concentrate, I was barely eating and had lost lots of weight(this wasn't the first time that I had the thoughts that if I am gone what's the harm, that I dont and wont really matter if I'm gone, I thought about these things even when I was a kid).


After almost two weeks had passed since we last spoke I eventually one day texted him and asked him if he wanted to go out with me for coffee or something and he said yes, so we went to a cafeteria a few days later. The next week I went to his house and we had sex(he was the bottom), so I started coming to his house regularly, we both still had romeo and grindr, I was spying on him there and told him what's the reason to have them anymore and he was surprised and said that he though that I wanted for us to have sex with other people, he told me that he wouldn't have sex with others and when we had sex he wanted to be the top, but I could see him in romeo and I was sad that he no longer wanted to be a bottom too(if you ask why such obsession with him being a bottom, there are several reasons mainly jealousy that others fucked him better and that's why he no longer wanted to bottom for me). I kept going to his house regularly and started eating a little more but because he was still angry sometimes he didn't want to see me at all, I was still sad that he had the profile in romeo and wanted only to top so my imagination and fear went rampant I thought that he was having sex with other people, I was afraid that it was only temporary and that he would leave me again and I wanted to stop the pain so I started cutting myself in various places, first the hands then the inside of my thighs, he noticed it and asked me to stop doing it and eventually after some time I stopped but I had to have tattoos on my arms to hide them as much as possible. Around the end of April to beginning of May he asked me if I wanted to be his boyfriend and I said yes, I still couldn't properly focus on studying so I didn't pass almost anything(I think 1 out of 6) and as time passed we got better and better, I wanted for us to go on vacation but he wanted to keep the money(here when you are positive you get 700 a month). So summer went by I would go at his house every day, we would go out and eat but he was afraid and uncomfortable with us in public, I had become the brave one. In the end of August when my parents had to leave for a few days he would come to my house and sleep here and he even stayed for almost a week once(my parents also left other times and he came every time), we were finally doing what I've always wanted to do but was too afraid, when uni started again I would go in the morning and then go by his house in the afternoon, sometimes due to homework I stayed home but he was also studying cause he got in uni too. Time passed and everything was fine, from time to time I asked him if there is anything I can do better or that I should change, the only problem was that he didn't want to bottom, I asked him if maybe he didn't like it with me but he said no it's not that, it was because it's easier to top and doesn't require preparation, that was the only thing bugging me I was afraid that he was not being honest, so we didn't have a lot of sex since I'm not a bottom, also from time to time I would tease him with things like maybe you are satisfied with others as a bottom and that's why you don't want to be with me(later he said that maybe I was saying these things cause I was doing them in order to cover my tracks).

So time passed and we reach December of 2019, during the first week of the holidays I was a little sick so I couldn't go to his house for about a week, eventually I got better and drop by his house. My parents left again in the beginning of January 2020 but he didn't want to come and stay, so a little more time passed and one day when he opens his phone I see grindr and he says that he downloaded it to see if I'm there(because of the jokes that i make) and that it's the only reason. He proceeds to delete the app a few days later but not the user cause he said that he didn't know that it can be deleted and said that he would download it again and delete the user, but a few days passed and nothing, he just said that there is not enough space to download it again in order to delete the user. A few weeks later we are in the final quarter of January 2020 a week before my exams he starts saying that he has some issues and that I shouldn't come by his house, I ask him what issues and he says that it's his problem and not mine so I tell him that it's not just his problem its ours since we are together but he doesn't explain. A few days later he reveals that for about a month he has been thinking again what happened in the past and how I treated him and some days he is really angry and some others not(I again get really nervous and I can't think of anything else or study so again no exams for me, and I keep thinking am I that irredeemable?). I create a romeo account to look for him and I see a profile in his location but with things that don't really match him, so I delete the romeo but I'm still suspicious that its him. So February 14 is close and that day I ask him if we are going to go out, in the beginning he's like yeah but then he starts to lose interest and says that he's not in the mood if I haven't noticed these days, later I tell him that I'm afraid that he might have sex with someone else and he gets angry, he says that I should have thought about that before I did what I did, that he is stupid for putting up with me and still choosing to being with me and that I should be glad that he is still with me, he says "**** you" when I said "sorry" again and then corrects it by saying "actually you've had plenty of that, I should have said drop dead" and a few hours later he texts me if im here and if I want to talk on the phone later(if you are wondering, no, we didn't talk about the drop dead or the argument, we talked about other stuff). A few days pass and every day I create a romeo profile to check that user and then immediately delete, I'm pretty sure that it's him and I see him online when he was saying that he was studying. So this past Wednesday I go to his house and I ask him if he has a romeo account, he starts laughing and doesn't say yes, he doesn't admit it he leaves it at maybe but its definitely him(I asked him if his intention is to have sex with others or just look for friends, he said friends but he changed his options to looking for sex and put the more bottom role again, I will do my best to trust him). He is still really angry and doesn't even want to have sex with me at all. He explained that he was laughing and being upbeat cause he doesn't want to get angry and insult me and he says the same things again, that I went and had sex and that I was playing him that i make him look like the bad guy so and I sat there and said nothing, I couldn't say what I was thinking cause he would just get mad and I dont want that because I am afraid that he will break up with me and this time I can't take, it sometimes I think that the only way out and the only thing that will satisfy him is me dead. So instead I am gonna say what I was thinking here.

Yes I did have sex I was an asshole and I lost control, I'm sorry for giving my status to you too, I was too afraid of other people because of my upbringing and the society that we live in, I am sorry, I am sorry for giving in to my fear and not listening to my emotions and saying yes when you first asked me to be with you. I regret everything and I wish I had then the courage and the knowledge that I have now. People are supposed to improve and learn from their mistakes and I'm sorry that these mistakes hurt you, if I could I would go back and change them. I learned from them and I changed, I got the courage to demand that my parents step back so I can do what I always dreamed, spend more time with you, I came out to my friends and showed that I'm not afraid of what they might think of me, I became human and I am showing the emotions that I have always felt but only now have the courage to express. You can't keep a grudge against people, especially when you love them, they change and show it. Everyone deserves chances to show that they can improve and most importantly those that you love, and when they do change thinking about the past is not healthy and brings only harm...or am I that irredeemable...