Can you help me? I think I am gay, but I am not sure..

I am from Bulgaria. My father moved in Spain when I was 12 and then I was left to live with my mother and my sisters and everywhere in our house there was so many girly things, clothes, lingerie, bras and I was watching them and wonder how they feel. Then my mother moved with my father and my sisters became students, so I was 15 years old and left alone to live on my own, hehe. I decided to try on some panties and thongs and it felt great immediately, then I tried a bra, a dress, leggings and it felt so good and I liked everything. Then watching porn, I watched how the girls suck cocks and are getting fucked and I started to wonder how they feel. Then I tried putting objects in my ass and it felt good too, I started ******* myself with all kinds of objects. And with all that I started to have a real desires, fantasies about sucking cocks, having sex with a man. But even tho I have these desires, I liked girls, I wanted to find real love and a serious girl.

I was romantic with them, good, caring and nice, but I coudnt have a girl that liked me too, I am not ugly, but they all say that I was a great guy, but they dont like me and that I will make some girl really happy. All that affected me, because I started to feel real bad, rejected, alone, sad. And maybe thats why the thoughts about men came. And I was and I am a manly man in reality, I played football too. So I fineshed school and became student and I thought that then I will find a girl to be with, to **** or anything, but no. There was more rejections and I became even more depressed. So then, I brought myself some thongs and girls clothes, make pics of me and register myself in a dating site, but to find a man. And I found one, he was 40+ and fat, haha. He came in my apartment, I just fell to my knees and waited for his cock, haha. But he was soft and small (imagine my dissapointment, haha) and I started jerking him off, then sucking him, I was trying so hard and I felt great honestly. I liked being in my knees in front of him, but for 10 minutes he couldnt get hard (I think he had an erection problem) and we gave up.

After that I had other chances to meet with him, with other men too, so I wanted to meet with another, I arrenged some meetings, but everytime just before the meeting I quited and cancelled it, because of my fears, shame and stress. Then I met a girl and I fell inlove again with a girl. I was 22, she was my first and only one for now. I told her about all these things and she reacted ok, we talked and came to a conclusion that I am not gay and I had these desires, because I was virgin, but now that I am with her and I like being with her, these desires are gone and we are happy. So yes, we were. We started living together almost immediately. First couple of months were amazing, first year was too, then we moved to a different city, both working, having troubles with money tho, you know everydays stuff, she was working in the weekends and resting in the week days, I was the opposite of that, so when I was alone in the weekends I started having again desires about men, about wearing her thongs and etc. So, I started wearing some of her panties and watching cocks over the internet, when she was at work. In the same time I was happy with her, I really loved her and I wanted to spent my whole life with her. I propose to her, she said yes. And everything was great, but one day I forgot to delate photos of my butt wearing her thong on our laptop and she came back from work and saw them. And she was angry, but didnt wanted to talk with me, she just said that she dont want me to do that anymore and I told her ok.

Then the times pased, we even had a date for our wedding, but suddenly she left me 3 months before our wedding (in the end we lived together for 3 years).She said that she dont want to marry, she wanted to live more and etc, that there isnt anyone else, but two weeks after she left me, I saw her with another man. So after that, I became really sad, depresed, broken and damaged.. I started drinking a lot, I missed her. But the thoughts about men and cocks came back and even stronger. She left a couple of panties, clothes, so I started wear some of them that could fit me, brought my own too and continue chatting with men, fantasisizng and etc, but still I didnt do anything. She left me in july 2017, it have been 4 years and a half and I am not having any sex, haha In semptember 2019 I moved in Spain too in order to find more work, to gain more money and etc, but then the virus happened and that slowed the things. For the moment I live her with my folks, so I cant dress up, but I have some thongs and wear them sometimes, then hide them and thats it, haha.

I am still not sure if I am gay or not. I think I can fell inlove with woman again, but for the moment I dont have any sexual desires towards you girls. Maybe if I am inlove, I will desire the girl, but for the moment-no, nothing. I notice girls over the streets, I like them, I like how they look and etc, but instead of wanting to be with them, I imagine myself like them, to have an sexy ass, to dress sexy too, to be like you and be with a man, hehe.And I dont know if I like men in their faces, but I love cocks, haha. And I started to like looking at naked men over the interned, I mean not just for their cocks, but for their bodies, strong arms, muscular hands and chest and etc. And I know that I have big desire to have sex with a man, to be in the girl's role, sucking his cock and getting fucked by him. So thats why I think I am gay, but thats why I am not sure either..