Relationship advice??

Reply Fri 14 Aug, 2015 04:53 am
So imma share my love story to you guys and hopefully you guys could help me out. The thing is, I've never been out to anyone, not even my parents. I feel like I would be a huge disappointment to them if I told them that I was gay. I'm 19, a student and I'm really in love with this guy (20 year old student) but the thing is, I just don't know how. Should I keep it a secret forever?? Anyway if you guys want to know the story, well here it is:

So last year when I turned 18, I decided to go visit South Korea alone since I love travelling. My mom was fine with it so I stayed in South Korea for 6 days. During my first night in South Korea, I met "him". I was at a coffee shop and suddenly out of nowhere he appeared and asked if he could sit with me even if there were a lot of vacant chairs, but I said yes anyway lol. Then we had a conversation (he was actually good with english) and I felt something really positive towards him. Like, I think I actually fell for him that night. Anyway 3 hours have passed and I decided to go back to my hotel to sleep and he then told me he wanted to show me around and if we could hang out again. And since I didn't really have any plans, I said why not. He added me on fb and during my whole stay in South Korea we literally were together and I was certain that I actually had feelings for him because he was such a gentlemen and all, but I didn't tell him of course. On my last day, we visited the Seoul N tower (really romantic place) in the morning (I was leaving in the afternoon) and he literally told me that he liked me the first time he saw me and that he would miss me and he started to cry a bit and I started panicking because I didn't know what to do, so I told him I actually felt the same way and he was so happy to hear those words. He dropped me off the airport and I gave him a hug and thanked him for taking care of me. He told me that we would see each other soon.

Anyways, I left and I looked at a bunch of pictures we took together which actually made me cry and miss him really bad. I felt like I've known him for so long. Saying goodbye that afternoon was the hardest thing I said to someone. Anyway, we still kept in touch EVERY SINGLE DAY. There was not a day where we didn't talk. We were in love. During my 19th birthday, I went back to South Korea and we've finally reunited. I stayed for about a week in his place (He was living on an apartment alone) and I don't know, I just felt like he's the one. He's just so sweet, kind, and gentle, which made me deeply in love with him. And if you guys were ever wondering, yes I slept with him in his room, same bed, but no we never had sex lol. We don't feel like it's the right time yet. Anyway, that's all.
Reply Fri 14 Aug, 2015 05:30 am
... and?

Hard to say what the deal is there.

You had a lovely time with a nice person. That's great!

You also saw him on his best behavior, his best look, etc. It is a VERY short time to spend together, and texting is pretty damned meaningless (sorry, but you can toss off anything in a text, and a lot of people do).

You know virtually nothing about him. He could be in the habit of picking up random bar strangers, stringing them along. He could be sweet but also asexual - if that's not what you want out of life, you may find that time together is awfully disappointing.

You have seen him in a clean apartment (I assume), with paid bills, no pesky parents calling, work not interfering, and everything works and is wonderful.

Better tests of relationships are finding out how someone reacts when they lose their job, or get a call from someone they don't want to talk to, or how are they about chores? You know none of these things, and anything you conjecture is colored by your domestic fantasy with this guy. It is all filtered through a vacation haze and an escape fantasy.

He is also wonderfully convenient in that you never have to really tell your parents or your friends that you're gay. It is a convenient mystery, and it is avoidance behavior.

Will you lie when your family inevitably starts calling, let's say you move in with this guy, and he answers the phone? Saying he's a pal, when you think he's more than that, or could be? Or will you lie to him, telling him that it's not a good time for him to meet your family and then it never is?

Do yourself a favor and start connecting with gay men and lesbians in your own community. Not necessarily for dating. But because you have common experiences. And talk them about what it's like to come out, and seriously consider doing it. Your parents, it is highly likely, have an inkling. When your son hits age 19 and doesn't bring home girls, often a light goes on in a parent's head.

I think if you come out to your folks, you will be better equipped to live and work and thrive at home in the gay community and the community at large. This is not to say that long-distance relationships can never, ever work. But they are difficult at the best of times, plus this is a first love. Better for you - and better for this guy, too, I might add, if you were to start having experiences of life as a gay man. Because if you don't have them at home, you're going to have them in South Korea, yes?
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Reply Fri 14 Aug, 2015 12:03 pm
Hello Pikachu21, If you were looking for confirmation of your leaning then, yes, determining from your message you are gay and good on you. When it comes to determining whether your relationship with the South Korean gentleman has a future, I can only advise you to make time to spend a longer time with him in South Korea, learn the culture and meet his parents. If they accept you, you have as good a chance at lifelong happiness as any couple (but that is only my uninformed postulation; in reality whatever makes you happy is the rule to go by, as long as you secure yourself from financial profiteering).
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Reply Mon 17 Aug, 2015 04:58 am
No relationship which has to be secret is ever good. If it's really love, your parents possible disapproval shouldn't matter. Unless they're the stupidest people on earth, this wont be revelation but only confirmation.
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Reply Fri 21 Aug, 2015 08:20 am
It is a lovely story and sounds very romantic but anyone in the world who has had a holiday romance will tell you they don't work in the long term. He sounds like a nice guy but you do not really know who he is. To be really sure of commitment you need to see people in their true light. For example, what is he like when he loses his temper? These things will tell you if he is right for you? That is all it is...a holiday romance!
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