Shoot me and put me out of my misery

Ah, Freeduck, that stinks...because even though an education is important, experience almost always wins out in the end. I mean, you've done it hands on while your co-worker has just read about it.

Take a few deep breaths...yes, one....two...breathe in and hold.....one, two, three, four....breathe out.....

Ok, now grab yourself a crow bar and start smashing some kneecaps! :wink:

Thanks for the kind words, Bella. I guess I'm someone who doesn't do well with the confrontational challenges. And nobody else on my team is the same way as this guy. We talk all the time about the best ways to do things, but the emphasis is on figuring it out not who has the right answer and how quickly they can say it.

I'm just so peeved. I can't stand the implicit disrespect in just about everything he says to me

Put some laxatives in his coffee, and watch him cut HIMSELF off in mid sentence.....

When you can speak calmly, ask him why he feels the need to be confrontational. He'll probably deny that he is, but the question may rankle and fester and inspire some reform.

Oh god! I mean, oh lord! I just spewed water all over my keyboard.

That's good advice, Noddy. I'm going to try really hard to take it. So far, I've been able to score a few a points by catching him when he's wrong, but I really don't enjoy that since the whole tone that's set is like we're putting each other down. I don't like to be like that because it people afraid to ask questions and afraid to be wrong, which stifles learning. I'm going to try a more direct route, as soon my blood stops boiling.

I'm not sure if that would have the desired effect -- it's a female way of relating, and he seems very male in what I know is a rather male-dominated profession. I think it might backfire on you, and start a personal vendetta based on inaccurate assumptions on his part.

Perhaps talk to some other co-workers, see what they think, come up with some ideas. I'm trying to think of what my husband would do (also male-dominated field, default male ways of interacting) -- probably some sort of alpha male thing.

It may well be that the only effective thing to do is to wait for him to see that nobody -- not that only you have the problem -- appreciates his method of interacting. And vent here a lot.

You know, I wasn't going to say anything about the female part but I know it is a factor. Both in how he interacts with me and my unwillingness to complain about it because of how I would be perceived. Instinctually, I know I would have a hard time with the direct approach because it is confrontational in itself, and because he would just argue that he's not being confrontational.

Some of it is just his personality and other people see that, including the project lead, and don't like it either. I'm not sure if he's more aggressive with me because of a perceived automatic superiority or because it's obvious that I don't enjoy it. Or maybe he's just as bad with everyone else, but they don't react the way I do to it because they're not concerned with their technical reputation.

Venting helps the most. The last few days have been frustrating because of prolonged interactions with him and because we've just been really trying to hammer out some tough problems. That's something I ordinarily enjoy, but if I have to worry about somebody jumping on my every word I contribute less.

Thanks for listening everyone, and for indulging my fantasies of doing him physical harm.

As an aside, I'm chastising myself because when I get this fed up, I just want to leave early and go buy a pair of shoes. How girly is that?!

Yeah, the female thing is kinda the elephant in the room, and I think you have to be extra careful because of that and not get drawn into anything that can be about you're just being an uppity oversensitive woman, rather than that he's being a dorky co-worker -- gender neutral. (No, that's not a suggestion... ;-))

I think staying logical and unruffled in front of him (while venting and buying shoes in private) will get you where you want to be fastest.

I have a co-worker like that. Thank god we don't have to critique each other's work. She frequently gets in debates about such things as whether it's "warm" or "hot" outside, and whether a person can pronounce Halle as "Holly" or not. And she gives her opinions on these things as if it's written in stone, and she's explaining it to a small child.

In short, she's a f*cking idiot, and if I had to work with her like you do, I'd have definitely gone to my boss by now and said something.

God, this what what I've been trying to express in other posts!

It's the talking to you like you just got off the boat.

FreeDuck - can you contain your emotions for awhile until this new guy really f**ks something up? I know, really hard to wait.....

I'll be honest, some of the best lessons I learned in life came when I got taken down a peg.
It'll happen to this one, be patient.

I don't know though, these young people today, :wink: they probably don't even know what a peg is.....

Seriously though, when I got to the point where I could keep my mouth shut and figure out who knows what, and hung with the ones who didn't say much, but knew their stuff. I learned a lot more. (It's the quiet ones who surprise you)
Also, when I was still able to work with and enjoy being with people who had to "put me in my place" because of my youthful genius, you know, letting it go so it didn't eat your lunch, I thought, "wow, I must be growing up"

Anyway, if you're gonna end up having to have a little heart to heart with him, be prepared for a lot of denial.

Question - Is it more important that this person Likes you, or Respects you. You might not be able to have both.

BTW - not to butt in on your thread FreeDucky, but if I may poise a general related question?

Someone reading this out there is this type of person. My question to you is....What makes you think you're so smart? Why do you talk to women, especially those older and more experienced than you, like they can't figure something out unless you can explain it to them. (maybe they should be explaining it to YOU)

I'm dead serious - If you recognize yourself, please explain your reasoning, man or woman. It would be like solving a great mystery of life to know.

Just imagine if she got to look at your work!

I try to stay unruffled in these situations but it's difficult. Once my eyes bugged out and stayed that why while he lectured me about something that he didn't understand. Another time I crossed my eyes at him because he was being so snippy. Humore is my weapon of choice to diffuse these conversations and so far it works. But it's hard to be funny once I get to a certain point.

Another problem is that I actually appreciate constructive criticism from those who know way more than I do -- because that's where I want to be in a few years. But anything that comes from him now, even if it is legitimate, makes me want to dig in my heels and do anything BUT what he suggests. Opposition is my default position with him -- and that's not really the best thing. I need to just let it roll off my back. I'm going to try that tomorrow. We have a big design meeting and I know it's going to be nothing but one long ugly confrontation after another.

BTW, I left at 4:15 and bought two pairs.

Oh, hey chai tea, just saw you there. Yep, I know what you're saying. The answer to your question is, hands down, much more important that he respects me. That's my issue all over the place. I can honestly say that most everyone I've worked with does respect me, so at least I have that.

Freeduck--

Use your Curious Mommy voice: Why did you pour all the Cheerios in the toilet? Why did you throw your sneaker down the storm sewer?

Curious, but calm, detached and powerful.

From my experience with that demographic, really don't think that would work. Other demographics, yes, that one, it'd escalate things. IMO.

FreeDuck, I'm not surprised that you have earned a lot of respect, and bet you'll earn this one's respect, too... eventually.

By the way if it were another situation, a more one-time thing, it would serve a purpose -- I'm sure it'd get him sputtering and allow some points to be scored. But not if the goal is more long-term co-existence -- and it sounds like he'll be around for a while.

Yep, I think so too. And part of being good at my job, actually, one of the most important parts, is being able to work well on a team. This means dealing with difficult people and not letting them negatively affect the job. I feel better about it already just from venting, buying shoes, and leaving early.

Tomorrow, I'm going to play the curious student to his overbearing teacher. And thanks for the compliment, soz.