Thu 27 Feb, 2020 09:32 am
Last year, in November, I had found this guy who's in his 30s on a dating app and we matched. I'm in my 20s and I don't mind the age gap and neither does he. We had been texting a bit and I asked for his number. We texted some more and he invited me over to his place to cuddle around 11 p.m. on a Saturday. Since I didn't have my own car (I can drive though), he was happy to offer me lift over to his place. I'm currently living in Ann Arbor for college and he lives in Grand Rapids. When we got there, he offered me a drink of water and I turned that down, but he pulled out a beer and I asked for one and he gave me a bottle. We cuddled while we watched a movie, he kept rubbing his nose against my nose. After a few times of that, he paused and waited for a kiss, so I decided to kiss him on the lips. We made out soon after. Then, he started dry humping me, started groping at my boobs, and began touching my skin from under my shirt. Not knowing him all that well and that being the first time I had met him in person, I was scared to tell him to slow down and not jump into that type of stuff yet. So, I had let him continue. Then, he started taking off his belt and pants and carried me into his bedroom where we then had sex on his bed (This was my first time having sex with anybody). I wasn't really expecting all of this to go down, but he said that he hasn't had sex in years. Then, I slept with him and he gave me small kisses on the side of my head. The next morning he suggested that we go out hiking somewhere, but I told him that I had to get back and study. I asked him this was a one night stand and he told me that it wasn't at all. He drove me back and while that happened, he would hold my hand and kiss it a couple of times. He kissed me on the lips before I left the car.
The next time that I saw him which was in December, it was the same process, only Sunday morning I decided to pour myself rum in a wine glass, half full. I downed it quickly in a short period of time without drinking or eating anything. I did this because I felt like he would have liked me better drunk rather than being myself which is usually me being timid and quiet, typically around people that I don't feel comfortable around. He had warned me to be careful with that, but I didn't listen. And that was a huge mistake for myself and the relationship. I quickly ended up with alcohol poisoning and had to be sent over to the hospital to recover. He came along and stayed with me until a friend of mine brought me back to Ann Arbor. While I was still a bit drunk at the hospital, without thinking, I had asked if we could be bf/gf and I suppose that made him feel awkward and a little embarrassed since a doctor and my friend was near. But, I wasn't aware of how he had looked after I had said that at the time until he told me about it. Apparently, we weren't at that stage yet.
Throughout the rest of December through mid-February, we've only been texting each other. He used to always initiate the texts, call me cute nicknames like "babe, baby, or honey" or would send heart emojis, but he no longer does those things. Every once in awhile, he'll initiate a text conversation, but I'm the one to do that now. He told me that he's been wanting to take a step back and go slow with things since he's been busy (beginning January) with his Big Year Birding. He said because of that, we won't be able to see each other as often, even though he would like to still. He told me that he would have more time over the summer to commit to me and after the end of the year.
Now that it's February, I had asked him last week if I could go on one of his birding trips and had let me. He brought me out birding during the evening and then brought back some dinner to his place to eat, then we watched a couple of movies. I rested my head of his shoulder, but he wouldn't put his arm around me like he used to. But then, he asked if he could lie his head on my lap and I had let him. After the movie was over, we slept together but didn't have sex and didn't kiss. But I had asked him for a kiss and he placed one on my forehead. I asked if he could kiss me on the lips, but he said not yet. The next morning, we went out to a few other places to go birding/hiking. Throughout that, he would smile whenever he'd look at me half the time, he touched me at times by playfully pushing me, or he would try to make me laugh or tease me. We didn't hold hands like we used to though. I wanted to touch him, but I was afraid to due to fear of ruining something between us. After that, we headed back to his place and I was getting ready to leave. He gave me a hug and said thanks for coming and then I told him thanks for letting me. I told him "see ya" and then he said "see ya". Then, I left to go back home.
He initiated a text the next day talking about random stuff, but didn't say anything about the weekend.
At this point, does he see me as a friend to hang out with or is he starting to build up a fresh dating/relationship with me?
There's a lot to unpack here.
- Going to a strange guy's place with no means of getting home was a bad idea. You're lucky he was pleasant. Kinda. At least he didn't smack you around or, apparently, give you an STD. And I am operating under the assumption he didn't impregnate you.
- But your consent was suspect at best. Being scared to tell him to slow down should have been your cue to get up, get dressed, and call an Uber. I am not blaming you for his behavior. But you need to know something -- going to someone's home can be construed as an invitation to sex.
- He sugarcoated the hell out of it but, like I said, your consent was suspect at best.
- You never had to let him continue. Period, end of story.
- Most people won't like you more when you're drunk.
- And getting drunk to be liked is a sign of a problem with drinking.
- You saw him twice in 2 months. Not much of a relationship, particularly since you don't live super-far from each other (2 hours away, per Google Maps).
- And now he just teases you. So you have even less of a relationship.
Do yourself the following favors, please.
- Get yourself condoms and keep them in your purse. No condom, no sex. No exceptions.
- Get yourself birth control. Condoms alone are not good enough. Go to your OB-GYN and get to know your options. Even if you think you won't be sexually active for a while - surprise! You already are. Take precautions accordingly. You dodged a bullet.
- Go to events on campus. Socialize with other people. Not just male people. I'm not saying your fellow students will necessarily be better, but the bottom line is, you don't have to hang around this guy in order to get attention and affection.
- Please get some counseling. Talk to an impartial professional about your feelings of self-worth, and about how to say no and mean it. This kind of passively letting **** happen to you is not going to do you any favors in life, and I am not just talking about the bedroom.
Standard disclaimer applies, I am not a doctor.
Read closely what Jespah wrote. Take it to heart. She is spot on. My only disagreement with everything she wrote is where she thinks your consent was suspect. You wrote that "we cuddled" (consent.) "I decided to kiss him" (consent.) "We made out" (consent.) "I had let him continue" (consent.)
I would argue that you fully consented to everything that happened even though you may have wanted things to slow down. If you are not mature enough to say no and walk out if things go further than you really want, then you are not mature enough to be going out with virtual strangers.