Loss of my mother and my relationship

Reply Mon 17 Feb, 2020 10:38 am
I've never really done anything like this before and I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for. Advice or maybe just someone to listen.
I lost my amazing Mum before Christmas. It was not expected and tore my heart apart.
Three days after her funeral my new love decided to tell me he was not sure what he wanted and was not ready for a commitment. This was due to his ex(of 12 years) being in a new relationship and possibly pregnant. I understand that it would play with his emotions, I had been so understanding of everything. Our relationship great, we were so happy when we were together. Until this news. He grew more distant and eventually said the above. The worse bit is, I gave him an out. I told him a few days before my Mum passed that my life was about to become a bit crazy and basically gave him a 'get out of jail free card', to which he replied 'don't be silly'.
My issue is, I can't seem to get him out of my mind. He broke me a little more at a time when i thought i couldn't be any more broken. I miss him but I think I may miss the companionship more. I think I just feel lonely, I can be in a room full of people and feel so alone. Yet I still miss him. How do I move on from him and focus on grieving for my beautiful Mum? He shouldn't be in my mind at this time and I know that. Any moving on tips?
Reply Mon 17 Feb, 2020 11:03 am
First off, I am so sorry for your loss. Of course it's hard.

Now, your ex.

Egad, he had every reason to know you were emotionally fragile, no matter what you may have said before (get out of jail... eek, please don't use that expression when it comes to a relationship).

While he owed you the truth, he also owed you compassion. Your ex was a louse for dumping his garbage on you at that time. Rather than be kind, it was more important to him to deal with his own (perhaps misplaced) emotions about his ex being committed to someone else. There are many, many better ways he could have handled things, even if it was an imperative to break up with you.

He didn't.

Please get some counseling, to deal with the grief at losing your mother. And I hope you'll come around to the realization of just how awful your ex was to you.

That will help you move on.
Reply Mon 17 Feb, 2020 11:07 am
There is no one way of grieving.

There are no "should or shouldn'ts"

You have the capacity to both grieve your mother, and think about other things.
Also, there is no timeline by which you have to have the mourning for your mother done with.

You don't "move on" with things, leaving them in some sort of place in the distance. You "move foward" with them. They are now part of what makes you, you.

As far as practical advice, keep busy doing productive things.
Create a list of things that need to be accomplished regarding your mothers death. The items don't have to be huge and all encompassing. Getting through one drawer of clothes can be more than enough some days.

It's your grief, your journey, your missing someone, no one else's.
There's no specific way you need to conform.

This is a hard time, but it's yours. It belongs to you and no one else.

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Reply Mon 17 Feb, 2020 01:45 pm
jespah wrote:

I hope you'll come around to the realization of just how awful your ex was to you.

I gotta say, I'm not really clear on how I should consider this former boyfriend.

I mean, right up front she calls him her "new love", and she says he was with this other person for 12 years.

I don't know where the dividing line is nowadays between calling someone an ex, and saying it was someone you were dating. Personally, I would never call anyone I wasn't married to an ex.
When I need to refer to the man I divorced, I say ex-husband. When referring to a man I lived with for a few years, I say "old boyfriend"

I guess that's neither here nor there for this subject.

I always feel wary when someone says things like "Our relationship was great, we were so happy when we were together."
Well....apparantly not.

Basically, I have no time frame for any of this, except that he was definately in a serious relationship or marriage for 12 years. The first thing I noticied on my first read was that the death of her mother was not expected, then a few lines further she says how she discussed this with him "a few days" before her mother died.

Also, I'm confused why anyone would go up to a person who is their new love, boyfriend or just dating, and say that things are going to get crazy, so if you want an out, here it is.
If anything, I would be hoping that person would be a support for me. Why borrow troube, and put something like this out there?

I'm feeling there is quite a bit more to this story, in reality.
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Reply Mon 17 Feb, 2020 03:17 pm
Thank you all for your replies and for the condolences. I just wanted to clarify that I do not blame him or hold anything against him for cutting things off. He is not a bad person and clearly had to deal with his own emotions and issues.
Also a few other things that were brought up, we were happy as I stated, until we received the news of his ex, then he became a bit distant. We'll, maybe he wasn't but I thought we were and I was very happy. The death of my Mum was not expected, we found out on the Monday that she was terminal and she passed on the Wednesday, we thought we had months left with her, we got two days.
The 'get out of jail free card' comment was just a little joke, not something meant in a sinister way and definitely not said to him like that :-)
This post was mainly explaining how I have felt and asking for tips on how to move on when they are still on your mind.
Not move on from my Mum, I could never do that. She will always be such a big part of my life and I have to try and heal.
I've clearly not explained myself well. I have tried to delete this post but I'm getting error messages.
Thank you all again, your advice is appreciated
Reply Mon 17 Feb, 2020 10:21 pm
Good luck, and take time to care for yourself.
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Reply Mon 17 Feb, 2020 10:29 pm
I am so sorry for your loss - mothers are always special and losing them takes almost your breath away.

As for your boyfriend - he wasn't there when you needed him the most, so forget about him. He is not worth your affection.

Have you considered volunteering? It occupies your time and gives you such a great feeling of gratitude and pleasure from helping others. Whenever I had some turmoil in my life, I started volunteering and it made me feel much much better in no time. I still volunteer (meals-on-wheels) because I like helping others and it makes me feel good about myself.
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