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Getting remarried

 
 
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 11:47 am
Hi all,

It’s sure been awhile (aside from those I see on fb, but this isn’t really a Facebook question!)

A lot of you already know my ridiculously long history but for those that don’t here’s the short version: Got married, husband was a cheating narcissist. Had two wonderful children. Got the strength I needed and left. Divorced. Left 7 years ago, With current boyfriend for five years. Live together. Overall great relationship.

Now that I summed up the history, there is something that has been eating away at me.... marriage. The subject has come up between us for years. I decided that I did want to get married again someday, even with everything that happened before. My boyfriend is nothing like my ex husband.

Long story short. A few years back her told a friend (at her wedding) that he was ready to get a ring and propose.... That was three years ago.... and nothing ever came of it.

We’re very happy together. He knows what I want. He’s made it clear that he’s not against marriage but he’s also not done a thing. So my grandfather (who raised me) pulled him aside months ago (he’ll be 80 this year but let me tell you he’s the smartest man I know and he’s got one hell of a sharp mind). He now wants him to pretty much sh*t or get off the pot). He wants my kids to see commitment, etc.

I just have nowhere to vent. I’m tired of people asking me or feeling bad for me (I can’t believe how casually people talk about it sometimes). I am at the point where I feel like it’s not going to happen and I want to be ok with that and accept that.... but at the same time I can’t help but wonder what makes me not good enough. He’s not going anywhere. I know he’s in it forever. He talks about the future. About retirement. About moving when the kids are older.... I’m not worried about the stability on the relationship.

I’m just tired of people unintentionally making me feel terrible. I’m tired of overthinking it. It gets to the point where it can weight a person down and then you don’t think about it for months.... until the next person gets engaged or married.

Any sound words of wisdom to take away my unnecessary anxiety over this?

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Type: Question • Score: 6 • Views: 783 • Replies: 19

 
Crazielady420
 
  1  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 11:49 am
It won’t let me scroll down on my phone to fix a few typos, I’ll fix them later but hopefully it makes sense....
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 01:07 pm
@Crazielady420,
I'm sorry, I don't really have any. We men are a useless bunch and if he's anything like me it's probably all the work involved that's keeping him immobile. I don't know if I could go through all the rigmarole of getting married again with all the things to do and organise.

I do have a song though, about an unmarried lady in a long term relationship. Hope it helps.



My old man
He's a singer in the park
He's a walker in the rain
He's a dancer in the dark

[Chorus]
We don't need no piece of paper
From the city hall
Keeping us tied and true
My old man
Keeping away my blues

[Verse 2]
He's my sunshine in the morning
He's my fireworks at the end of the day
He's the warmest chord I ever heard
Play that warm chord, play and stay, baby

[Chorus]
We don't need no piece of paper
From the city hall
Keeping us tied and true
My old man
Keeping away my blues

[Bridge]
But when he's gone
Me and them lonesome blues collide
The bed's too big
The frying pan's too wide

[Verse 3]
Then he comes home
And he takes me in his loving arms
And he tells me all his troubles
And he tells me all my charms

[Chorus]
We don't need no piece of paper
From the city hall
Keeping us tied and true, no
My old man
Keeping away my blues

[Bridge]
But when he's gone
Me and them lonesome blues collide
The bed's too big
The frying pan's too wide

[Verse 4]
My old man
He's a singer in the park
He's a walker in the rain
He's a dancer in the dark

[Chorus]
We don't need no piece of paper
From the city hall
Keeping us tied and true, no
My old man
Keeping away my lonesome blues
Crazielady420
 
  1  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 01:14 pm
@izzythepush,
Thank you. I’ll take a listen later! He’s never been married, just me. I personally don’t need some big fancy wedding, I’ve already done that. He knows this as well. I am sure, if it ever happens, it will literally be when I’d least expect it because at this point I don’t expect it anymore 😂
izzythepush
 
  3  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 01:35 pm
@Crazielady420,
If you're happy together that's really all that matters.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 01:43 pm
First off, yay on finding love!

You can get married, or not. I don't imagine it makes a lot of difference except to your grandfather -- but check things like taxes and benefits. Sometimes it's a real $ saver to wed (sometimes not). I know that's not the most romantic reason to get married, but it's a reason, and it's a valid one.

I would also check on whether it matters one way or the other if your love wants to and is in a position (with your ex's consent) to adopt your kids. If that's not at issue, then of course feel free to ignore this paragraph.

And yay again!
Crazielady420
 
  1  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 01:51 pm
@jespah,
Thank you!

The benefits of marriage are one of the reasons why I wanted to get married again. Hypothetically... I’m in the ICU (or vice versa) and someone needs to make a medical decision and he can’t (or vice versa). Massachusetts isn’t a common law state and I’d have no say or even have to be there is something terrible happened.... yes not romantic but realistic.

No adoptions needed, their dad is still very much a part of their life and my bf doesn’t overstep, he stays out of it unless he thinks I’m being unreasonable lol

But yes, still yay! It’s nice to be happy and loved after so many years <3
Sturgis
 
  4  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 02:39 pm
@Crazielady420,
Best of everything as you continue along. Main thing to begin with is the happiness of you both. Sometimes a piece of paper (a document such as a marriage license) is helpful.

When it comes to being able to make medical decisions, is A Living Will and an Advance Directive sort of thing available in Massachusetts? In these, being married is not the primary focus. You and him have the document written up and notarized. it will say what you each want done and who will be allowed to make decisions,should one of you be too incapacitated to so.
Crazielady420
 
  1  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 02:44 pm
@Sturgis,
I’ll have to look into that! Thank you
chai2
 
  3  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 03:59 pm
@Crazielady420,
A lot of good things have been said Crazielady. BTW, good to see you.

Re what you said about Medical POA.
Sturgis is correct.

Not legal advice, but you can name each other legally to be the person that will make medical decisions if one can't speak for themselves.

I believe it would be well worth the expense to go to a lawyer, have a last will and testament written up for each of you, including becoming each others MPOA.

In addition to that, you will each have in writing what you want to happen to your assests, who will take care of your children, etc. You can stipulate what you want to happen to your pets for instance too, and put aside an amount of money for them to be cared for. Really anything that is important to you can go in your will.

The attorney would be able to guide you through all this.

Question. Was it your grandfather who brought up the word "committment"?

You said
Quote:
He’s not going anywhere. I know he’s in it forever. He talks about the future. About retirement. About moving when the kids are older.... I’m not worried about the stability on the relationship.


If that doesn't strongly indicate committment, I don't see how a wedding, large or small or just signing a paper can compete with that. You've seen with your first marriage that "getting married" doesn't guarantee anything. I would go so far as to say it doesn't mean anything, based on the number of people who do end up divorced. I don't think the percentage has changed much over time, still hovering at around 50%.

Is it that you also want to please your grandfather, and His idea of "committment"? Does he think your boyfriend will walk out at any moment because all the things he's done with you over the years doesn't count?

According to a quick google search, at least half of divorces (in the US) occur because of "lack of committment".

So, how does that equate as far as proving committment as the reason to get married in the first place?

I can tell you admire and endlessly love your grandfather. His idea though about your kids seeing a sign of committment on your boyfriends part? What your children see right now is a man that does not have to stay, is free to leave any time with no obligation to anyone. They see someone who holds forth on a daily basis that he's in it for the long haul. That he's there for them, and you. To me, doing that without whatever "getting married" means is shining a spotlight on how much you are worth to him. To me, it looks like you and your kids are worth everything. He's there. He's been there. He's going to be there. Isn't that what a marriage is? Aren't you married already?

I am curious as to what it is that will make you feel "married" to him any more than you are now? Actually, not wondering about you in particular, but what constitutes "married"

Is it, as you said getting a ring?
The ceremony, large or small?
Religious reasons?
Signing the marriage license?
Any party afterwards?
Something else?

Oh!
When I read the part about him telling a friend at her wedding he was ready to get the ring and pop the question....

Was alcohol in any way involved? Laughing
Even if not, wedding are notorious venues for making people wax sentimental about getting married themselves. He may have been just feeling the vibe.
Anyway, I wonder about this friend coming to you with the 411 of what he told her. There she is, newly married and in paroxsms of joy, wanting everyone to be just as happy as she is....which means "Get Married!!"

This man seems like a real keeper. That he is your husband in every sense of the word.

Your friends getting engaged and married? That's just because it's marriage season. Not because of the month on the calendar, but there's a time in everyone's life that everyone they know is getting married.
Then in a few years, you start to hear how a lot of these same people are getting divorced.
Reality man, what a trip.

You know, you can call him your husband, and he can call you wife. It's not illegal to do that.

In IMNSHO, people shouldn't get married because someone else is telling you what that would mean. Even your lovely grandfather doesn't walk in your shoes.










jespah
 
  3  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 04:15 pm
Psst if you find a good lawyer, could ya let me know, CL?

We know we need to do some things and I've lost touch with many of my local contacts. Thanks. Smile
Crazielady420
 
  2  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 04:25 pm
@chai2,
Thank you. It’s good to see you, too.

I deeply appreciate all the advice for you (and everyone else). I will definitely look into the legal options here.

In regards to my grandfather. He’s very old fashioned and I honestly think he wants the security of knowing my kids have stability after he passes away. It has more to do with setting an example to him.

As for me, I’ve been married. It’s a relationship that’s realistically just harder to leave because of the legality of it all. In this instance, I don’t doubt our relationship and I’m in it forever, as I believe he is too. Because of my confidence in our future, I think that’s why the idea of getting married doesn’t scare me.

I am not religious, so it would not be for that purpose. It’s not for a feeling of security, I know that’s never guaranteed.

As for the divorce statistics, I’ve read them all. I feel like I’m much more mature now that I was at 24. I know myself better and I have a better understanding of what I want and who I am. I understand how love works and how it’s not perfect. It’s a roller coaster of emotions, ups and downs. We all have faults.

As for the friend. She told me about a year ago (two years after the wedding). She didn’t do it to be cruel. It was something she’d been holding onto for a long time. We’ve been friends since the six grade and she’s one of the few people that I can talk to about it. She told me because it was her was of reassuring me that he was serious about our relationship.

As for drinks...if you give him some and the word marriage is mentioned he’s says “let’s go”. Clearly his inebriated brain has no opposition to getting married. Then again his inebriated self can also be moody. I tend to take nothing he says seriously in that moment.

Yes. Our relationship would not physically and emotionally change with getting married. I’m glad to see that others think that too. So many people (down to acquaintances) keep prying to ask when, why not, etc. it’s this big amount of pressure and then it makes you questions why you’re not good enough as these people twist the idea into your head. When they say after 18 months that means he’s not serious, the list goes on.... and no they’re not trying to be cruel... not everyone realizes that people can love each other and not get married.

To sum it all up (I’m writing this on my phone, sorry for any errors). I’d marry him in a heartbeat if he said yes. He’d be the only person in the world that I’d ever consider marrying. However, I’ll never give him an ultimatum. I’m as free to leave as he is and I’m still here. That says it all right there.

I hope it all makes sense.
Crazielady420
 
  2  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 04:29 pm
@jespah,
It might take him a long time to commit to the right lawyer... had to crack one ridiculously lame joke at my bf. 😂
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  3  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 07:15 pm
@Crazielady420,
Crazielady420 wrote:

So many people (down to acquaintances) keep prying to ask when, why not, etc. it’s this big amount of pressure and then it makes you questions why you’re not good enough as these people twist the idea into your head. When they say after 18 months that means he’s not serious, the list goes on.... and no they’re not trying to be cruel... not everyone realizes that people can love each other and not get married.



No, they're not being cruel.
They're just being busybodies.

They're just overstepping boundaries, making stuff up (18 months means he's not serious? What horseshit.) Who comes up with these "rules"?

I would not be surprised if their own gardens have weeds growing in the dark corners. It's far easier to point out flowers in your garden that you actually like, telling you something's wrong with them, then to tend to their own.

Aquaintances can be told that subject is private. Friends can be informed that you don't want to talk about this any longer, and that things are just fine. That if things change you'll let them know.

You wouldn't be cruel, just letting them know they don't make, or contribute to, important decisions in your life.

I'm getting the message that you don't think you're good enough, because others that don't live your life put it in your head. Screw them. You can remain friends, but follow your own counsel.

Years ago someone was telling me and my husband how we should be handling our relationship. It was ultra weird for many reasons.

I told him that he didn't crawl into bed with me every night, and he would never get to, so he had nothing to say on the matter.

My husband was so pleased with me. So much so it was really great crawling into bed with him that night.
Crazielady420
 
  2  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 07:55 pm
@chai2,
I agree. I’m very glad to see other people also agree. It honestly makes me feel a lot better.

Thank you <3
chai2
 
  3  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 09:42 pm
@Crazielady420,
You're welcome.

Sometimes you just need to hear from someone else that your thinking is sound.

And it is.

You are good enough. More than good enough. Remember that.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  4  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 09:58 pm
@Crazielady420,
Hey girl, good to see you!

Don't worry about other people. Look at Goldie Hawn and whatshisname - they've been together for 30 years and not married. Their union outlived many other marriages in Hollywood.

When my dad died, my mother didn't want to remarry ever. She did find someone else and they've been together for 35 years, but never married. You don't need a ring to prove that you're committed.

Just tell the ones who ask when you're getting married that living in sin is much more fun! If you're happy as it is now, don't jinx it.
Crazielady420
 
  4  
Reply Fri 31 Jan, 2020 11:23 pm
@CalamityJane,
Thank you.

I’m going to use that “living in sin” line. That’s the perfect line, I can’t imagine someone trying to sway you after saying that 😂
bobsal u1553115
 
  3  
Reply Sun 2 Feb, 2020 08:50 am
@Crazielady420,
At best you're only as married as you and your partner think you are.

If its not broke, don't fix it.
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  3  
Reply Sun 2 Feb, 2020 08:55 am
@Crazielady420,
Over here the phrase "living over the brush" is also used.
0 Replies
 
 

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