"when and how should an affair end?"

Noddy24 wrote:

Capitalization and Logic are very similar animals.

can you explain your line of reasoning behind that

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Ok, affairs are wrong no matter how you look at it.

You two obviously care for each other so that is good.

Your kids wont know any different. I dont think they are at an age where they understand about commitment.And its better to get out of an unhappy marriage as the kids WILL notice unhappy parents.

Your husband may be seeing someone else as well so it could work out ok, or maybe you could introduce him to the wife of the guy yuor having the affair with.

Many people have pointed out the bad example you have shown with regards to your wedding vows which I agree with but i hope the one thing you will teach your kids from this is to wait til they are older to get married and to understand what wedding vows mean to both people in the partnership.

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Sorry MG, I really disagree about the kids. I don't know how old the kids are (did she say?), but whether they understand about commitment or not, they'll notice if their parents separate if they're past infancy (and even then it would be an issue.)

That doesn't mean I think she should stay married just for that reason, or even that I think the kids will be scarred for life, but sure, the kids will notice and be hurt.

Quote:

Your husband may be seeing someone else as well so it could work out ok, or maybe you could introduce him to the wife of the guy yuor having the affair with.

Heh...

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clear wrote:

Eva wrote:
I agree. There is no way that the children are not going to be hurt. That's the price you pay for divorce. Or I should say, the price THEY pay.

You're teaching them by example that marriage vows mean nothing, that cheating is acceptable, and that family is secondary to your own desires.

Good luck.

your second sentence doesn't follow from your first. (after the second pay i mean.)

There is NO WAY that a divorce will NOT hurt your children. Splitting up your family will be hurtful, no matter how good your reason may be. Divorce is painful for kids. Always, always, always. No way around it.

Their pain (and subsequently, yours in dealing with them) will be one of the prices you pay for the divorce you want.

You're an adult, right? So you know that you have the right to make your own choices. However, with adulthood comes the responsibility to live with the consequences of those choices. There WILL be consequences for your cheating. And those consequences will affect not only your life, but the lives of your children for as long as they live. Maybe even longer. Children of divorce often have trouble later in life in their own relationships. It's a well-known and oft-quoted fact.

It annoys some of us that you seem to believe you should be able to make whatever choice you want without dealing with any fallout. Unfortunately, it's not just YOU that will have to live with the fallout. Your children will have to live with it as well. And you'll have to deal with them. It won't be pretty.

Welcome to the world of adultery.

(Don't shoot the messenger.)

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in answer to the question of this thread, here's the go: It should never have started.

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sozobe wrote:

Hi lumgirl,

It really seems to me like there are two separate questions. One is whether you should stay in your current marriage. The other is whether you should be with your current lover. Unfortunately, I think they complicate each other. I think if there's any question at all of whether you want to stay in your current marriage, it would make sense to call things off with the lover until you get things figured out.

It's an unfair competition right now, one person you see all the time, at their best and worst, when you want to and when you don't, and another that you only see when you want to and when you're both on your best behavior.

You say you've "tried everything" with your husband, does that include counseling?

Hi Soz, I'm new and I totally agree with your thoughts as I have come to the same conclusion.

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agree with pragmatic.......

how nasty and selfish to put your family through this and how is your poor husband going to feel when he finds out how long you have been doing this behind his back for?
Let alone the wife of the guy you have been shagging!

well I say "what goes around comes around twice fold!" :wink:

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still dating the other guy?
I wanted to know if you feel guilty about dating someone else. I have the same kind of marriage and i want to move on and date others but don't want to hurt my husband and the kids. Iam just not in love physically with him any more and feel that all the other things that are wrong in the marriage have caused that. I am now wanting to move out so bad that I am looking for a house to buy or rent. I know everyone will be crusted and heartbroken but am so sure i need to do this that i am now ready to take that chance. Not sure how I will survive on my own though. I dont make much money and don't have health insurance or anything of my own. I am scared and wish it were all different.

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In reply to the response if the children are too little they won't be hurt. This may just be one's opinion. I will state mine, As a counselor/psychologigst, the number of children that come in to my office on a regular basis are hurt because of divorce/affairs. Whether it is age 4, 7, 10, 15, 20, 25....it affects them because children naturally do not want to see mom and dad split up....In this day and age it is sad to see the many broken families caused by divorce/affairs...whichever it may be. This is my beliefs and I am stating what I see from a professional stand point. The emotional damage is done. My advice is try your best with the marriage, if it is meant to be God always provides the way, if necessary a trial separation, with the children being able to see both parents with out the boyfriends/girlfriends of the spouses. This only creates more confusion and misunderstanding. Good luck and May God Bless you and your family.

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Eva,

Right on and well said.....very true also....glad to know others see it as I do also.

May God Bless You!

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Material Girl, I disagree with the children won't know any different. Regardless of age at some point down the road the questions will come and the truth will come out. Simply stated. I have seen where families intentionally kept a divorce a secret for 15 yrs and one the child discovers they don't look anything like their dad, not knowing that "dad" was not the biological father. Imagine having this family in your office for weeks on end and having to explain to a teenager why nothing was ever said. The parents hope was to never have it come out and keep it swept under the carpet so to speak. The child to never learn. The kids are hurt whether intentionally or unintentionally. We all as human beings have to accept the fact, affairs are nothing but lust not love and many people are hurt, destroyed, families broken, trust broken. Spend a month in a counselors' shoes and your eyes would be opened to these things that we see. You have a right to your beliefs as do I. I hope you take this as another point of view and not as a judgement against you or your or anyone's beliefs. We on this board state what we think, and that is our right. Hopefully, somewhere along the line, someone will get some help and find their way. God Bless you all.

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Material Girl, I disagree with the children won't know any different. Regardless of age at some point down the road the questions will come and the truth will come out. Simply stated. I have seen where families intentionally kept a divorce a secret for 15 yrs and one the child discovers they don't look anything like their dad, not knowing that "dad" was not the biological father. Imagine having this family in your office for weeks on end and having to explain to a teenager why nothing was ever said. The parents hope was to never have it come out and keep it swept under the carpet so to speak. The child to never learn. The kids are hurt whether intentionally or unintentionally. We all as human beings have to accept the fact, affairs are nothing but lust not love and many people are hurt, destroyed, families broken, trust broken. Spend a month in a counselors' shoes and your eyes would be opened to these things that we see. You have a right to your beliefs as do I. I hope you take this as another point of view and not as a judgement against you or your or anyone's beliefs. We on this board state what we think, and that is our right. Hopefully, somewhere along the line, someone will get some help and find their way. God Bless you all.

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Material Girl, I disagree with the children won't know any different. Regardless of age at some point down the road the questions will come and the truth will come out. Simply stated. I have seen where families intentionally kept a divorce a secret for 15 yrs and one the child discovers they don't look anything like their dad, not knowing that "dad" was not the biological father. Imagine having this family in your office for weeks on end and having to explain to a teenager why nothing was ever said. The parents hope was to never have it come out and keep it swept under the carpet so to speak. The child to never learn. The kids are hurt whether intentionally or unintentionally. We all as human beings have to accept the fact, affairs are nothing but lust not love and many people are hurt, destroyed, families broken, trust broken. Spend a month in a counselors' shoes and your eyes would be opened to these things that we see. You have a right to your beliefs as do I. I hope you take this as another point of view and not as a judgement against you or your or anyone's beliefs. We on this board state what we think, and that is our right. Hopefully, somewhere along the line, someone will get some help and find their way. God Bless you all.

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Re: still dating the other guy?

butterfly202 wrote:

I wanted to know if you feel guilty about dating someone else. I have the same kind of marriage and i want to move on and date others but don't want to hurt my husband and the kids. Iam just not in love physically with him any more and feel that all the other things that are wrong in the marriage have caused that. I am now wanting to move out so bad that I am looking for a house to buy or rent. I know everyone will be crusted and heartbroken but am so sure i need to do this that i am now ready to take that chance. Not sure how I will survive on my own though. I dont make much money and don't have health insurance or anything of my own. I am scared and wish it were all different.

Everything everyone is saying hurts very much, yes i do feel guilty, but noone can completely understand someone else's situation, unless you have to live with it... Living with my husband has been unbearable for many years and for 11 years i was never unfaithful.. sometimes people change and there is nothing we can do about that. I am in the process of leaving and have gotten on my own feet by getting a job and learning to rely on myself and not a man..!!!!

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"when and how should an affair end?"

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