"when and how should an affair end?"

i need to know more info to help you just wrote two sentences. maybe if the other has more money?

Yes he does indeed make more money, but that is not what i base my love on. My husband has been distant from me for a long time, we tried over and over to make it work, long before the affair ever started to no avail. When this man came into the picture i fell in love with him immediately and he with me. I just don't want to hurt my children...

well if your children are too little to konw the difference then they won't be hurt

I have one child who is 7, I think that one will understand, but the others are younger. He also has a young child (12) who worships the ground he walks on, we don't want this child to be hurt either, but I believe in the long run they will understand.

well if the children would like the other respective parent more then they'd want it you have to analise which adult the child(s) would like more or less

I was just wondering if you have children, kaladar?
Thanks for your help and I hope that I make the right decision!!!

One word to when. NOW.

One word to how. QUICKLY.

You know what you need to do and that what you are in right now is wrong. Divorce your husband and then find someone else. Until then, stay away.

Hi lumgirl,

It really seems to me like there are two separate questions. One is whether you should stay in your current marriage. The other is whether you should be with your current lover. Unfortunately, I think they complicate each other. I think if there's any question at all of whether you want to stay in your current marriage, it would make sense to call things off with the lover until you get things figured out.

It's an unfair competition right now, one person you see all the time, at their best and worst, when you want to and when you don't, and another that you only see when you want to and when you're both on your best behavior.

You say you've "tried everything" with your husband, does that include counseling?

We have tried counseling, at the time is was with a minister. I thought that too would work, i was willing to try and make it work but he wasn't.

Why should I find someone else, when I love this person?

I have known this person longer than I have known my husband. We have been friends for over 12 years. This was not some fly by night decision, we discussed it for months before acting on our feelings for each other. I know what i am doing is wrong, but i don't feel like I should have to stay with someone who does not love me and i do not love them, when i have someone who loves me and I love them... Really it is my children and his child that i am worried about..

Because this person is already taken. If you can't respect your own wedding vows, at least respect the vows someone else has taken.

I dunno, lumgirl, I'm having a hard time working up some compassion here. It seems that you have made your decision and you want to get reassurance that your kids won't be hurt. They will.

<shrug>

You got into this mess. I have less acrimony for people who get involved with a married person than many, but I have pretty much zero sympathy for someone who is married and has an affair. Whatever sympathy I have is further reduced if that person has kids. And less yet if they are very young kids.

I understand that marriages fail -- but the thing to do is to extricate yourself from the marriage before starting a new relationship. Especially when kids are involved.

I agree with Bella that given the current situation, IF there is no hope with your husband (which, from what you've said, I think is more a function of you than of him), the thing to do is to get out of BOTH relationships and start new. Going straight from married to the new guy has even more problems than just getting divorced.

But I understand that's not advice that you are looking for.

Good luck.

I agree. There is no way that the children are not going to be hurt. That's the price you pay for divorce. Or I should say, the price THEY pay.

You're teaching them by example that marriage vows mean nothing, that cheating is acceptable, and that family is secondary to your own desires.

Good luck.

I second what Eva says. And let me add one other thought.

Why would you begin a relationship with someone who had demonstrated through his actions that vows mean nothing to him? If he would cheat on his wife with you, do you not think he would just as quickly cheat on you? Of course, you will answer that he would never do that to you because the two of you are made for each other. I bet his wife thought that at one time also.

My advice? Drop the lover until you are both divorced. Whether or not you stay in your marriage is up to you. Only you know the real situation there. But until you and the other cheater are both free from your current marriages you should walk away and stop seeing him at all.

Hope you make the right decision.

Lumgirl--

You don't want to hurt the children, but you didn't plan your life so they could live without hurt. Neither did your lover.

Your husband deserves the truth and the sooner the better. I always have great sympathy for the "innocent" party in a divorce. You have your lifeboat, your lover, and your husband doesn't even know that the mother ship is sinking.

Be honest with your husband--he deserves a lifeboat.

your second sentence doesn't follow from your first. (after the second pay i mean.)

Eva makes great sense. What could you possibly not understand?

Capitalization and Logic are very similar animals.