15 Biblical Ways To Acquire a Wife & other Jokes

Eve's Problem
Eve's problem

Eve was sitting in a corner in the garden. "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that You created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless, and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"
"Well, you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret -- you know -- woman to woman."

Ford and God


Henry Ford died and went to heaven.


At the gates, an angel told Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the assembly line-changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven."


Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself."


The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.


Ford then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"


God said, "Ah, yes."


"Well," said Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:


1. there's too much front end protrusion


2. it chatters at high speeds


3. maintenance is very costly


4. it constantly needs repainting and refinishing


5. it is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days


6. the rear end wobbles too much, and


7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."


"Hmmm," replied God, "hold on."


God went to the Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results.


The computer printed out a slip of paper. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replied to Henry Ford, "but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

Chinese Jews
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 09:48:31 -0500


Chinese Jews


Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.


"Sid," asked Al, "I wonder if there are any Jews in China?"


"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"


When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Do you have any Chinese Jews in China?"


"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."


"Are you sure?" Al asked.


"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.


While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China.Our people are scattered everywhere."


When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."


"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."


"Sir, I ask everyone in kitchen," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"

Once there was a monk who was an expert on the Diamond Sutra, and as books were very valuable in his day, he carried the only copy in his part of the world on his back. He was widely sought after for his readings and insight into the Diamond Sutra, and very successful at propounding its profundities to not only monks and masters but to the lay people as well.

Thus the people of that region came to know of the Diamond Sutra, and as the monk was traveling on a mountain road, he came upon an old woman selling tea and cakes. The hungry monk would have loved to refresh himself, but alas, he had no money. He told the old woman, "I have upon my back a treasure beyond knowing -- the Diamond Sutra. If you will give me some tea and cakes, I will tell you of this great treasure of knowledge."

The old woman knew something of the Diamond Sutra herself, and proposed her own bargain. She said, "Oh learned monk, if you will answer a simple question, I will give you tea and cakes." To this the monk readily agreed. The woman then said, "When you eat these cakes, are you eating with the mind of the past, the mind of the present or the mind of the future?"

No answer occurred to the monk, so he took the pack from his back and got out the text of the Diamond Sutra, hoping he could find the answer. As he studied and pondered, the day grew late and the old woman packed up her things to go home for the day.

"You are a foolish monk indeed," said the old woman as she left the hungry monk in his quandary. "You eat the tea and cakes with your mouth."

(Contributed by Dan Bammes)

Business Is Business


One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

Microsoft gets church
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
By Hank Vorjes

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

MICROCHURCH?

LOL, yep

That dont sound right. Cathsoft neither (sounds like a Russian oil company).

BBLE? Cat.0.Lic? Nah, too underground. Jesus G2, too Protestant. RE-Surrection? Too much like a clothing label.

Good question!

Or how about:

"Your personlised Pulpit-on-your-Desktop!"

Hackers.com challenge - $10,000 fir the first to upload a virus to God!

Here you go, new thread: If Microsoft and the Catholic Church would merge, what name?

Kewl. Well it's not so hard to think of Micro+church.

A friend came up with the slogan:

"Your personlised Pulpit-on-your-Desktop!"

And the rest...

Lets see how many others can we come up with:

MicroHeaven
MicroWorship
MicroFellowhsip
NetWings
NetHeaven


I was looking for Muslims jokes and I found websites already set up to study the Koran in more than one language, and many other things to worship and fellowship with other Muslims.

How about this one I just made up for my church of course.

Name-GodNet

Slogan-God at your fingertips, to catch you if you fall.

And our theme song wil be called: NetHeaven

That will start something like this:

Wellcome to NetHeaven........

I will write the rest later

KK, I wrote something but it still needs a lot of editing.

NetHeaven

Welcome to NetHeaven
Rest your weary buns
Whiles a chorus of virtual reality angels sing and hum

Chorus: Virtual reality angels choir fly around the screen singing

Welcome to NetHeaven
Where confessions are easy
Cause nobody sees you are sleazy

Chorus

Welcome to NetHeaven
Come as you are naked is fine nobody minds
Clothes won't cost you a dime

Chorus

Welcome to NetHeaven
Check the Goat and the Sheep list
Goat list owe their dues and we are banning you

Chorus

Suddenly the screen makes a buzzing sound
And it goes blank
I guess the person was a goat


SR © 6/28/05

"Where confessions are easy
Cause nobody sees you are sleazy"

Hehhehheh...

My GUI-Graphical User Internet will be:

Jahweh3

and

WeTrinity Code

Bad boys, ha ha ha!
Two Trouble Makers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

A Scandal of Biblical Proportions

Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 16:15:31 -0500


Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."


In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily".


Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.


If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.