Some thoughts on my life.

Hey all. I've been using this site for a while, but I finally decided to sign up and make a post. Well, this is going to be an essay, so you have been warned. I'm not looking for responses, but they are welcome. I just recently got news that I might not make it until February, so I wanted to share some thoughts and my life, and sorry, it's depressing, but despite how it sounds, I'm not depressed! I promise!

I'm almost 27 now, and I still feel like I haven't gone anywhere in life. My grandfather, who was my main father figure, died while I was in highschool, so I was very depressed then. Because of that, I didn't make friends and didn't do well in school. After being hospitalized for depression twice and changing schools, I tried very hard to move on. After graduating, I started college at a community college. I got an associate's degree, and moved on to get my bachelor's; however, I wasn't able to finish because my family fell apart because of my step-father (who had an affair). While things were bad at home, I had a hard time focusing on school. After my fourth of six semesters, my step-dad called me and said that things were really bad at home and that my parents were getting a divorce. I couldn't finish school because my family didn't have the money anymore due to legal costs of my parents fighting, but my step-dad made too much money for me to get financial aid, so I came home to support my mother and siblings during the divorce.

After things settled down a little bit, almost two years later, I tried to return to school at a local community college again, but I couldn't finish again because I got (and still am) very sick. I was forced to drop out after many trips to the ER and multiple hospitalizations. Finally, I had to go through a major surgery a week into one of those hospital stays, so I couldn't do my school work, but I also couldn't contact my instructors, so they dropped me from their classes, which means I have a few "F"s now on my transcript that the school refuses to remove. Now I'm still recovering from surgery, but I still have two more surgeries to go. My next one is in a week, and the surgeons aren't sure if I'll make it through the procedure and recovery.

All that I ever wanted to do with my life was to help people and find love. I feel in some way that I'm being punished for wanting these things for my life, and I'm not sure why. I wanted to be an emt most of my life, but due to my illness, I can never be one now, even if I do make it. The only other thing I wanted was to love a girl and to have a girl love me back, but, as I said, I'm almost 27, and I've never even had a girlfriend. It's not that I have no social skills or that I'm a "creep". I was never very interested in all the girls I met, and I'm a very introverted person, and as a guy, I'm expected to do all the chasing for a girl. So, I was never going to be approched by a girl that I could have given a chance to, and I wasn't interested in the ones I did know. There was only one girl I've ever met that I had really strong feelings for, and I still do.

My story with this one girl is long and complicated. Her and I met while my mom was dating after the divorce. She was the daughter of a guy my mom was dating at the time. This girl and I got along really well. She was almost like the female clone of me! We had all the same hobbies and interests, and even almost the same personalities. The first week we spent together, we were up until 3 most nights just talking. Sometimes we would talk for 8 hours straight. She was super nice, athletic, creative, a hard worker, and the most beautiful woman I've ever met. She was a little young, she was 19 and I was 25 at the time, but we seemed so compatible, and we loved hanging out with each other, so I didn't care about the age difference. Well, things were going well, so I asked her out; however, she turned me down. I got the whole "you're a nice guy, but..." answer. I was very upset since I thought I had finally found someone like me that I could fall in love with, but it was her decision, and it was her right to make it.

The issues started after that. After she turned me down, she kept Snapchatting me multiple times a day. She was always asking for me to come over and see her. One night, after our long, late night talk, she started cuddling with me out of the blue. I was very confused because she had just turned me down, but I was able to spend time with her, so I didn't want to question her, but I wasn't going to make any moves or initiate anything. She said no, and I wanted to respect that. After another two weeks of this, she was getting ready to return to college. So, I thought by this point that she might have changed her mind because she kept wanting me to come over and cuddle and hang out. So, I asked her again if she changed her mind and did want to go out with me. She said no, but she kissed me and then made me promise to be her friend. Believe it or not, but this was my first kiss! So, now I was even more upset (but I didn't tell her, of course) because I kept thinking about why she would do those things if she didn't like me enough to go out with me.

Anyway, after she left for college, she completely broke contact with me. I continued to message her the same way we used to for a few weeks, but I never got a response. Even when she returned home for Thanksgiving, she asked my brother if I wanted to see her. She wouldn't even ask or talk to me. At this point, my mom and her dad were dating seriously, so I saw her at Thanksgiving. I pulled her aside that night and asked her what was going on. She insisted that we were still friends, but she didn't keep up with anyone outside of school, but she promised to try to talk to me more. So after she left, I tried for another week to talk to her again, but no response. You would think that I would get the message, but I didn't want to accept it.

It wasn't until Christmas that I finally spoke to her again. At this point, my mom and her dad had moved in together, so I saw her at the Christmas get together. I asked her what was going on again, and she said she didn't want to be friends anymore. I was really hurt again. I had lost my only romantic interest and now my best friend too. I still don't know what I did.

Fast forward a year. My mom and her dad are married. I wanted to show the girl that I wanted to be friends again, so I spent about 35 hours making a 3d/paperfolding origami swan for her birthday (since she loves crafts and art stuff too), and another 20 hours in two days helping her with her chemistry homework before her finals. The girl and I started getting on better terms, but that went out the window on my birthday.

Her and I were getting along again, and she promised to hang out with me on my birthday. I was really looking forward to it and thought that maybe I was getting my best friend back. But then my birthday came, and she backed out and wouldn't even see me. Again, I'm hurt, and even more disappointed because I just wanted my friend back, and I wasn't sure what was going on. That night, I made a (pretty pety) comment about it, and she blew up on me. She started yelling about "what did I want from her?". I was too shocked to respond, and she stormed off.

It was at this point that I started getting very sick. I had to move back in with mom and her new husband to afford school and my mounting doctor and ER bills... Into the girl's house that she was still living in outside of the school year. So home life was really tense and awkward for a while. It wasn't until the end of last summer that she said goodbye to me when she left for school and gave me a hug. It was the first time she spoke to me since my birthday earlier last year. After that I was hospitalized for the third time that summer, and I had the first of my major surgeries. According to her dad, she still asks about me a lot, but she just won't talk to me.

I gave her a Christmas gift this last year that she really loved. It was a necklace that shows a picture of the moon on the night she was born. She loves space and the moon (like me), so I had to get it for her when I saw it. No matter what the situation between us.

We started getting on talking terms again. I even got to take her out to lunch and to a chocolate factory (which she thought was awesome) while she was here for Christmas. Unfortunately, this was the day after I got the news from the surgeons about my chances. It was very hard to spend the whole day with her and not being able to say anything about how I felt about her or how much she meant to me. I didn't want to risk any chance of a friendship that we had. I didn't even tell her about the news I got because I also didn't want her to worry.

I'm still conflicted on if I still want to be friends with her. It's a weird contradiction. I love her, but I don't think I can be friends with her anymore. She's still clearly not comfortable being or treating me like a friend, even though she really values our friendship (or so I'm told by people close to her), so I don't think we can be friends anyway, but maybe that decision will be made for me in a week.

That's where my story ends. My next surgery is in a week, and whatever happens, happens.

I've spent so much of my life thinking about one day everything would get better, but looking back, I should have focused more and put those hopes into action. I spent so long hoping that I forgot to act, but there's still a part of me that's hopeful now (and acting!). I'm applying to my dream college in case I do survive, even though chances of me getting in are very low due to those Fs on my transcript that I got due to my hospitalizations I mentioned before. I can only hope that the admissions person is understanding.

So, I guess, the real question now is why I'm writing this? Other than just getting things off my chest to anyone who happens to come across this, I guess any suggestions on getting my friend back would be nice, or if I should even be friends with her anymore (provided I make it to February)?

I also think that maybe this can be a warning to other young people out there. Stop only dreaming and hoping for the future, and turn those hopes and dreams into action. Life has a way of constantly beating you down, and if you don't continuously focus on what you want to do and keep striving for it, life will pass you by. Stop thinking "someday, someday" and wasting time with frivolous things, and make that "someday", today, because you never really know how much time you have left.

And finally, make the most of your days with people you love and care about, and never forget how much they mean to you. Never take them for granted. I've learned that friends, family, and relationships are a luxury that not everyone has or gets a chance to have; never forget that. If you really like someone, tell them. Tell them what you like about them. It could really make their day, and sometimes that's all it takes to keep them going through the tough times. If you used to really love someone, but feel it fading, don't just quit on the relationship immediately like I see a lot of others my age doing. Relationships take a lot of work and communication, and you can only get back what you put into them.

Thank you for reading my life story. I'm not sure if everything makes sense since I'm on a few pain drugs, and I can only write when I have the energy. If you did make it this far, I thank you for listening to an old, (possibly) dying 26 year old. Now think of what you want to do, and go do it! I hope you have a wonderful life!