My life is a total mess

Hi WAM, and welcome. (Very nice job on the paragraphs and such! ;-))

It doesn't seem like things are nearly resolved enough with the second man to go about making such a huge commitment. Buying a house together is almost MORE of a commitment to each other than getting engaged, for example.

There are perhaps ways that a roommate arrangement could work out if you are VERY, VERY clear about how you feel and what may or may not happen in the future. Even then I'd recommend something like you paying rent rather than going in on buying the house together.

I'm re-reading... are you in a relationship with #2, or not? From "He knows I don't feel the same" I assumed it was platonic and he just keeps hoping, but then your paragraph about being able to stop working at a job you hate really sounds more like a marriage or at least a very committed relationship. You'd actually expect him to pay the bills?

This is sounding worse the more I re-read.

I think it COULD work if everything is extremely above-board and equitable, but there would still be significant drawbacks. The way I could see it working is if you first told him that you are absolutely not attracted to him currently and don't forsee that changing, but that you get along with him really well and that you like the idea of being roommates -- just roommates, with all that entails. That would include paying your fair share of everything -- rent that is half the mortgage payment, perhaps, and your half of the phone bill, and your half of the heating bill, etc., etc.

I can still see a bunch of drawbacks there, though. He might say sure just because he wants you closer and figures he can work his magic -- what if he can't? What happens when after months of trying, you're still not interested? Worse, what if you find someone both attractive and available, and pursue that relationship? Would you sneak around, parade the new guy under #2's nose...?

<shaking head>

It just seems too fraught. I'd suggest just going ahead with a friendship with #2, saving money to get the house you want for yourself, ignoring #1 (he's married married married), and keeping an eye out for #3, who is both attractive and available.

Good luck.

Re: My life is a total mess


I'm afraid you would too, not to mention hurting yourself in the long run.




It's not safe or smart or even right IMHO. I don't blame you for wanting to give yourself a break, even for a while... we all need a break sometimes and a bit of help with our lives, but it's just too selfish and besides, you're taking yourself out of the loop to find something a better (the loving relationship you'd rather have) life by entering into this. The guilt will ruin you possibly as well. It can end amicably enough (due to lack of passion to begin with) but just because it might not end too ugly sure doesn't make it okay to do.)

There are other ways to ease life's burdens... platonic roommates for instance? Sorry to be a wet blanket. I get the impression I'm mostly agreeing with what you've already convinced yourself of though.

Thanks for the welcome, sozobe.

We are what some call "friends with bennies". We began by dating and did have sex but I didn't develop deeper feelings for him the way he did for me. Since then, he has filled my need for companionship and I have filled his need for a sexual relationship. I'm looking at it as going beyond friends if we were to live together I guess.

Re: My life is a total mess


I know the right thing to do. Maybe I need to hear from others that it is the right thing. It would be very easy to do the selfish thing.

In my early 20s the one I loved didn't love me, so I gave up on love. By my late 20s I married a man who "everyone" said was perfect for me and how wonderful and marvelous. I *did* talk to him about the fact that I wasn't in love but did care for him and we mutually agreed that we'd just work with what we did have as "everyone" saw us as such a great match.

Ten years later the lack of passion in our lives was literally killing us both dead and I was the strong one and somehow got out of it and now he's so much better off for it, and I'm glad. I'm in a new marriage as well and much more fulfilled, even tho "NOBODY" thought my current husband and I made a good, much less great match. We do have passion for one another tho and that is what gets you through the rough spots! We can be arguing about anything and if someone cracks a smile it's over instantly, at least for that second, nothing else matters.

It's perhaps not *just* a case of selfishness. That may be a tad harsh or even off the mark totally. Perhaps you need to address a possible "giving up on finding love" feeling that you weren't even really aware of having that's led you to this point??

You're very correct with that statement except for not being aware of it. I gave up on love about 5 or 6 years ago when I finally gave up on the love of my life and walked away from a painful relationship. I honestly thought I was through with the whole idea of love. I've built tremendous walls around myself. Even though I love the first man, I'm not IN love with him.

It's not so much that I don't feel passion for the second. It's more about not having a connection with him. It's difficult to explain.

I'm glad you've found happiness with the right person Deedee.

Re: My life is a total mess


There ya go. The only thing I would add is that even the selfish thing would likely backfire on you -- as in, it might seem that it would benefit you, but there are too many ways it could go horribly wrong.

If it's a friends with benefits situation, my advice goes from "probably not" to "absolutely not." I mean, I'm not entirely against prostitution, I think there are situations in which it can be a valid life choice, but even then there are usually off hours. And how is this different from prostitution?

Sorry to be so harsh, I wouldn't say it if I didn't think you already know what to do and just need a little kick in the behind to do it.

Re: My life is a total mess

OUCH! I wasn't looking at it that way. More like entering a relationship without my heart being in it.

I guess it was the way I put things in the first post. What I meant by not having to work at a job I hate was not that I wouldn't work. I just wouldn't have to make as much income and could actually pursue my second job which is more fulfilling and enjoyable. Together we could buy a very nice house with cash and not have a mortgage payment.

Sorry if I didn't explain it very well. The post was getting kinda long and I didn't want to include too many details

I'm sorry that you had to begin your post with a disclaimer. It stinks.

You set my alarms off with the second guy, recently divorced, wanting to get married right away. It's been my experience to run like hell from recently divorced men because more than likely, it's being married that they want more than anything else. But with your job and all, it's an extremely tempting proposition. On the surface. But the fact that he knows you don't feel the same for him and is willing to accept that isn't a healthy way to start a marriage and has disaster written all over it. Deedee can attest to that. For both of your sakes, it seems best to just put those marriage plans away.

The first guy is already married. period.

He was separated for 2 years before the divorce became final so he has had some time alone. I've also told him he would be selling himself short by settling.

I think my final decision will be greatly influenced by the chances of him being hurt. I do care about him and would hate to cause him pain. Unfortunately, I think he will also be hurt if I turn down his offer.

deleted-lack of relevancy

Oh, and thanks everyone for not slamming me for the hyperbole in my thread title. It didn't seem that way when I typed it!

Must have been a Drama Queen moment.

WAM, put it this way -- if there would be no change in your financial situation if you moved in with him, would you be considering it as seriously as you are?

(Agreed about the disclaimer btw.)

I'll back up a bit...

If everything is completely above-board on everyone's part with a lot of talking, I would still have objections but it would lessen the strong whiff of opportunism that I don't like about this. If #2 KNOWS that you have no particular connection with him or strong feelings with him, and that there is no particular likelihood that those feelings would change. If it's laid out what will happen if you no longer want to have sex with him, at all. If it's laid out what will happen if you find someone you are more compatible with -- or, for that matter, if he does.

I can see a possibility for this to work out with everyone's needs getting met, but it's a really slim possibility IMO and would take a whole lot of talking, if not outright signed contracts and such.

Tell me more about the whole buying a house together thing -- who would actually pay? Whose name(s) would the house be in?

That one element makes me cringe more than anything else, more than just being roommates.

Buying a house together would amount to both of us using the proceeds from selling our respective houses and buying one together. I would expect both names to go on the title(or is it deed?) and if there were a mortgage for it to be very small and equally shared. I would benefit in living better because of sharing expenses more than living off of him.

I just think he wouldn't offer if he didn't have emotional expectations that I cannot meet. It all feels wrong. I've regretted ignoring my feelings before.

Thanks for making me think a little harder. I appreciate the input.

My point was that if finances enter into the decision -- even if it is just that your bills are reduced, not that he is paying -- there is still a $$ = sex equation going on.

Again, if your financial situation wouldn't change at all, would you be seriously considering it?

Alternatively, if you told him that you refused to have sex with him from now on, would he be seriously considering it?

At the very least, it seems like a lot more needs to be discussed before you make the decision. You think he wouldn't offer if he didn't have emotional expectations that you can't meet. Start there -- what are his expectations? What if you don't meet them?

Look down the road.

Are your feelings of loyalty and respect for this guy enough that you will stay with him if he develops medical problems--physical or mental.

You are tempted by financial security. What sort of long-term security are you prepared to offer him?

What_a_mess, I can't help but think that what you REALLY need is a new job, one that's more tolerable than the one you have now.

The house-buying thing is too fraught with emotions... and financial/emotional things just don't go well together, especially without a marriage contract.

Sounds like neither of these relationships is what you really want for yourself.

Maybe you can wait until something better comes along, and in the meantime look after your own happiness... that is, a job that's more satisfying, or at least more tolerable than the one you have now.

I don't know if you're still out there, what-a-mess. But I found this thread, and I got interested. So here's my two cents.

I don't mean to sound judgmental here....but I think you made a mistake by getting intimate with guy #2, before you figured out what your feelings were towards him. Personally, I've always thought it's better to figure out how you feel towards someone, before you share the ultimate intimacy with them -- rather than after.

Because if you put the cart before the horse, so to speak, then find out you just "don't have those kind of feelings" for him -- it really muddies the water. It makes it more difficult because you're now afraid of hurting him.

But I give you major props for being honest with him -- telling him that, although you really like him as a friend -- it's just very unlikely it will ever be anything more than that.

The thing is, sometimes men just don't want to take "no" for an answer. (Sorry, men, but you know you don't!!). And why should he look for someone else when he's getting sex from you?

I think you should sit down with him and tell him it's time for you to be completely honest with him -- and time for him to really hear it!

Explain to him what your feelings are -- or maybe I should say aren't and that you don't feel it would be fair -- to either one of you -- to pretend otherwise. (I also think you need to stop having sex with him, pronto -- because to continue would be leading him on with false hopes.)

I also have to agree with the other people who've posted here, that there is something troubling about the fact that he is willing to keep pursuing you, even though you've made it clear that you just don't feel attracted to him that way. Seems kind of desperate on his part. Of course, since he's just been through a divorce, he may have a bad case of "rebound" syndrome. Whatever. It just doesn't sound particularly healthy.

I can understand how tempted you feel about what he is offering you, though. Who wouldn't be tempted when someone is offering you love (even if you don't return it) and security?

But I think you will be much better off, keeping your independence and being true to yourself. It's the harder road, I know, but I think in the long run, it will be worth it. I'd rather see you find someone with whom you can share those feelings of love....rather than someone who hopes to "buy" it from you.

BTW, do you still have his number? Maybe I could love him. Hee! (just kidding)