Is my boyfriend still in love with his dead gf?

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After two years of dating, I was finally able to express to my boyfriend what I feel everytime he brings up his dead girlfriend in everything I do or say.
Once, I mentioned "awesomesauce" and he immediately brought up how she picked it up from him and how she used to say it a lot back then and it reminds him of happy days. We're both metalheads. He was actually surprised that I am because I seem to be the softie kind. And he made me listen to Losing you and As a Butterfly by Dead by April and I know it might be assuming but I kind of connect the dots and feel like it is still a song for her.

A bit of background about us and the girl, this childhood friend/girlfriend died 5 years ago because she was murdered. (I don't know what really happened because I was too scared to ask about what happened.) We met in a group on facebook and I have been seeing his posts before about this girl, how he called her "the love of his life" and ever since he died everything is just bleak. Based on his comments before, she had a great personality and she is smart and beautiful. And after that incident, he started having nightmares about a little girl he cannot save and all that.

I finally got the courage to inform him about what I feel towards it and I just end up blaming myself because he told me that thinking about it makes him so depressed. >< I know it is my fault too and I cross the line by asking but I just wanna know since it bothers me. I am sorry for wasting your time people. I just have to share it because I don't want to let people I know worry about me or us.

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Type: Question • Score: 5 • Views: 2,315 • Replies: 16

@nerdgirlgonegoth,

Nothing wrong with sharing a problem, and I can imagine it would be a problem to most people.

Glad I'm not expect to offer advice because I don't have any.

1 Reply

@nerdgirlgonegoth,

He has suffered a major loss and probably needs counseling (I am not a doctor). It's also very possible that he leaped into a new relationship way too soon.

This elephant in the room isn't going to just disappear if you both ignore it.

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@nerdgirlgonegoth,

It is very good that you are open and honest with your feelings. You are going to need to work this out if this relationship is going to work.

However... his grief for someone who died is very real. It is a part of who he is and she was clearly important to him. If you are going to be with him, you will need to accept this. It is not something that you can ask someone to just get over.

He can love her (as his past) and you (as his present) at the same time. There isn't a competition here... he can do both. You are both important parts of his life. Talking about this is good. You need to express the difficult feelings. But, also focus on the present and how you can make this relationship work for both of you. I think it is fair for you to ask that his relationship with you be special and unique just for you (and not just something from a past relationship).

Does he do things that make you feel special and important?

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@roger,

thank you.

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@maxdancona,

Yes. We are in a long distance relationship and he flew all the way here to come and see me. It is just that wheneevr I ask things about what happened and how is he doing regarding this, he would shut me off. Sad

I just want to know what really my place is.

I understand that you can't and you don't compete with someone who is dead but he can't give the reassurance I need.

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@jespah,

He had relationships prior to me. But what you said could also be possible and he would always shut me off whenever I try to ask about it.

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@maxdancona,

Also, I think that it is worthy to note that when we had our first major fight he told my friend that I am nothing but a convenient therapist for him.

1 Reply

@nerdgirlgonegoth,

I don't think he's ready. I'm a widower with two kids so I know exactly what it's like to lose a partner. I got over it by putting all my energy into my kids.

Five years is a long time to be banging on about how miserable he is and I get the impression he likes being a victim. "Poor man, how he's suffered."

He won't be the person you need or deserve, move on.

1 Reply

I, for one, feel there’s a “five year crash” after losing someone dear to death, much less to a murder. I can’t imagine. He may have pstd about this if he witnessed it. In any case, he’s grieving.

Insist he go to grief counseling. Many funeral hones have meetings and there are professional counselors who specialize in grief counseling.

Unless he heals, he is going to use you to clumsily work through this. You aren’t trained for that, and you really don’t want to be in that role.

1 Reply

@izzythepush,

This makes me really sad. He isn't from here and he flew all the way here in my place just to visit me but this also gets me thinking.. maybe I was the only one who's there and keeps on radiating the positive vibes that's why he's staying Sad

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@PUNKEY,

I feel like I already know the answer to my questions and your responses really validated it. i am at crossroads right now ><

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oh my God, what a loving guy. I believe that true love never dies.

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How do you know she's dead?

1 Reply

@bobsal u1553115,

“I know dead when I see it. ‘At’s a dead 🦜.”

“Nope, it’s not dead. It’s just pining for the fjords.”

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Them Blues are like that, you know!

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@nerdgirlgonegoth,

You asked if he was still in love with her. Probably. I will always love my husband. But one thing I DIDN'T do with the relationship (mistake) I had after him, was compare. There is NO comparison. I didn't constantly bring him up like that. He may always love her. But, ask yourself, are you really going to be jealous of a deceased individual? Now..if he starts asking you to dress, behave, etc, like her, THAT is a problem.

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Is my boyfriend still in love with his dead gf?

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