Not happy anymore!

As far as you know, that is. Unless you are with them 24/7 you assume she is never abusive to your son, but you really can't be sure, particularly with her mental health history.



Please reconsider leaving your son in your wife's care. If you are from IL and are currently residing here, are there extended family around who could help you take care of your son while your at work or school?

She is harming your son if he sees her doing these things to you. It will only be a matter of time before he becomes the target. You're kidding yourself if you think otherwise.

Where she has a history of this disorder you are very likely to be awarded his guardianship. You should definetly see a lawyer for his sake, not just yours.

Djmac,

Please tell me you have read all the posts since my last one and taken them straight to your heart and acted or are acting on them right away.

As J_B pointed out, as far as you know, your son is not in imminent danger and as Debra_Law pointed out, if you don't get something in place quickly to guarantee the safety of your son, your chances grow slimmer of you getting even interim custody as time passes by. Think of the love you have for you son and do what is in his best interest.

I have faith that you WILL find a greater peace and much happiness in your future, even if that future does not include you being married to your wife. Only you will know the direction to take once you have good counsel and know your options.

I wish you the best, Dj...know that we are here for you.

I have definately considered everything. I have just been busy the past couple days. Wife and I separated yesterday and today my father was diagnosed with stomach cancer. It has been rough. I am having trouble because she came by last night to visit son and she started crying asking me what she had to do to get us back together and I told her I didn't know. When I think about hurting her, I want to go back because I don't want to hurt her. But when I think about how happy I could be with someone that would treat me right and I would have some things in common with I want to stay away. I am so dang confused I don't know anymore what is going on.

Being confused is all natural. It's too close to the event for you to make any well thought out decision, so wait a few days or weeks until the clutter in your brain clears a bit. Like most sad emotional events in our lives, things will begin to settle down. You just need to wait for that to happen.

Thank you,
I sure do hope that it does clear up mentally. I just want to make sure that if we end up getting back together it is for the right reasons. Not because I feel bad that I hurt her or because of my son. I want it to be because I am in love with her and because I want to be married. SHe is trying but the more she tries the more it aggrevates me and I don't know why. Part of me wants her to give up.

You need to communite that to her.

Uh...just a second there. You said she came by to visit your son? Did I read that correctly? Does that mean your son is staying with you now?

Yep, you have understood correctly. Am I doing the right thing. How do you stop of going back because you are hurting her. I want to think I am doing the right thing. But when I think of how it is hurting her it is killing me, not because I am in love with her but because I don't like hurting anyone.

Djmac,

You sound like such a warmhearted, compassionate soul. The fact that you don't want to see anyone hurt, shows how much you do care about doing the right thing. And I agree with you completely. If you and your wife do get back together, it has to be for all the right reasons, not out of guilt or fear of hurting someone. It sounds as if your wife knows how to push all the right buttons within you to keep you questioning your current decision to leave.

I am very proud of you and very happy that you took your son with you. Even in your confusion, you can at least look over at him and know that you might be saving both of yourselves a lot of hurt further down the road.

I am so terribly sorry to hear about your father. I don't know why it is, but it always seems that sadness and misery have a way of compounding themselves. This has got to be an incredibly hard time for you. In spite of your wife's pleas and tears, now might be a good time to focus on your father and his needs. If your marriage is meant to be, it will still be there later. Scattering your emotions and energy at this time sounds like an impossible task. Is there anyway you can explain to your wife that you need some time for yourself? Still allowing time for visitation with your son, of course, but not focusing on your and her problems right now might help.

My heart goes out to you, Dj.....hang in there, friend.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father's illness, Djmac. It does seem like you've got an awful lot going on right now. Kudos to you for taking custody of your son. I know it's hard to watch your wife be in pain, but you are not the cause of her pain. You are reacting to the person she is. You didn't make her that way. She is who she is, and if she's abusive then you should have no guilt in removing yourself and your son from that environment.

Keep in mind that the reason couples separate prior to proceeding with divorce is to give themselves time to assess whether they would be better off with or without their marital relationship. Give yourself time for that assessment. I agree with CI that it will become easier for you to think clearly in time. I'm not sure it will be a matter of days or even weeks before you can honestly assess your situation, but putting yourself and your son on a couple of yo-yo strings by moving out, moving back, moving out, moving back... will only continue your agony and will be extremely confusing to your son.

Best wishes to you, Djmac. I hope you continue to keep us in mind if you need some shoulders to lean on or simply a place to vent.

Thank you everyone,
I am so glad that I found this board, it makes everything a little easier to have some folks to talk to.
My wife called me today pretty much yelling at me and telling me that she thinks I want out of this and that if I do just to tell her because she doesn't want to be dicked around. GRRRRRRRRR. I told her that I would let her know as soon as I know. I don't know what I want or even who I am any more.

Well I am in need of someone to talk to. As I was picking up my son from my parent's house today, my dad pulls me aside and tells me that he hopes that my wife and I work things out for my son's sake. That my son loves us both and that he deserves to be happy. I don't know what to do or say anymore. All I know is that I want to be happy and I know that I can't make anyone else happy if I am not happy but I am scared that I have dissappointed alot of people. What should I do?

You stay on the course you have chosen for the best interests of yourself and your child.

You separated from your wife for many good reasons. You don't run back to a bad situation. Take TIME (a few weeks) to allow the emotional upheaval to settle and to seek counseling. Don't go back unless you're thinking clearly and the issues that caused your unhappiness in the marriage are being resolved to your satisfaction.

Your father loves you and he thought he was being helpful with his "words of encouragement." But, this is YOUR life. Your parents will support whatever decisions you make.

Are you seeing a counselor, Djmac? One could really help you sort through your thoughts and feelings right now.

Go.

Actually, yes I am seeing a counselor. I have another appt tomorrow as a matter of fact. The one good thing out of this all is that I have good friends where I live and they are helping me and the great folks on here are assisting me as well. I am on a roller coaster of emotions right now. One minute I want to go back, the others I want to see what is out here and find myself. Is this normal?

I am so damn confused anymore. I find myself wondering all the time what it would be like to be with someone that actually understood the things that I do and liked the same things that I did.

Djmac, You're going through an emotional, physical, and possibly financial upheaval. Of course you're confused. You've moved out of your house or apartment, you've taken on the sole custody of your son, and you're trying to get through each day with some sense of foundation when you don't feel like you have one.

Give it some time. Don't start any new relationships right now. Get your feet on the ground and take enough time to get a clear understanding of what's going on in your life. I too hope you are able to find someone who understands you and shares your interests. Perhaps that person is your wife, perhaps it isn't. Today is not the day to make that decision. Today is the day to take some deep breaths and some personal time to sit and reflect on the good things you have going for you.

You're future is very promising but you have to get there one day at a time. It's too soon to look out too far ahead. Focus on right now and getting you and your son into some stability.