Not happy anymore!

Is there any chance that you could fall back in love with your wife again? Have you considered marriage counseling? Have you consulted a divorce attorney?

You have choices. You can work on your marriage. You can try communicating with your wife about the things that make you unhappy. You can try to make things more tolerable.

You can also file for divorce and seek custody of your child. Fathers have an equal right to custody and the interests of the child may be best served if the child remained in your custody. You need to discuss these matters with a family law attorney.

Even if you do divorce and your wife wins custody and the court grants her permission to move out of state with the child--there are still many ways for you to maintain a meaningful relationship with your child. You won't lose your son unless you fail to make an effort to maintain a relationship with him.

I, for one, have never believed it was in a child's best interest to live with unhappy parents. You have to choose what you think is best.

Yes
We have discussed it many times. I don't see me ever falling back in love with her. We are two different people. I know that I love her. But it is just different. We can't do anything together because we like different things.

I also feel completely ashamed of this, but sometimes she actually hits me. I have NEVER nor will I ever hit her. It is aggrevating because I LOVE MY SON to DEATH. I just feel I am missing out on what complete happiness there might be for me.

Does she hit you hard? Does she actually hurt you? If so, there is no reason to put up with that.

That said, husbands and wives don't necessarily have to share a lot of common interests. Sometimes the extra space is what brings them back together. My husband and I don't like to do a lot of the same things. That's what we have other friends for. He goes fishing, etc. with the guys. I go to the museums & shopping with my friends. The time apart is good for us. We share a love of travel and raising our son together. We don't force each other to do things we don't enjoy.

Also...you will never recapture the early romantic phase of your relationship. That phase only lasts 1-2 years. You've moved past that. You know each other too well now. Relationships change as they mature. Doesn't mean you're not in love...just means you've moved past excitement to "everyday love." Believe me, it lasts a lot longer!

The two of you really need to seek marriage counseling. As soon as possible! From the sound of it, she has some issues that an objective counselor can bring up in a helpful way. Same for you. We can be supportive here on A2K (count on it!) but honestly, we're only hearing your side of it, and we're not professionals. If cost is a factor, try a local family services agency or even a church (many ministers are licensed professional counselors as well...check out their credentials.)

Sometimes it is hard. Othertimes she will grab me. I know that sometimes the space is good, but it would be nice to have somethings to talk about besides kids and work. I understand that it won't be excitement all the time but every once in a while is good. It is hard to explain, I just am not happy any more.

It is quite hard to give any advice in this situation... even if this will sound commonplace, I must say, you're the only one knowing all the answers and you should feel what's best for you.

Anyway, some facts... Psychologists define 3 key relationship crises periods: after 1 year of a relationship beginning -- a small crisis, after 3 years -- critical one, and then after 7 years. The rest is related to other factors, and these 3 are brought by the fact of relationship itself.

It's said the 3 year crisis is the most dificult to get over. If you get along after 3 year, you will most probably remain together for ages, but most couples divorce exactly after 3-4 years. And you mentioned that the problem rose 1 year ago, so I assume it was the 3 year hit.

Therefore, the only advise: see if you can make it work, put some effort in it -- it might be the last mile you're walking in this relationship. Otherwise, accept the natural built-in filter, and look for someone who will bring you good emotions instead of disorder.

A small trigger: imagine someone is trying to pursue you that you MUST divorce. Think of all possible arguments you might put to prove you shouldn't. And then do otherwise (like, if someone would pursue you to keep the marriage). It should help to arrange your own thoughts.

And finally, you know, you have to be a little selfish and care about yourself. If a dog would never raise its own tail, no one would ever raise it for it. Good luck!

I think the reason the divorce rate in the US is so high is the simple fact that most couples don't have the committment to the marriage to begin with. When they say, "till death do us part," they're just mouthing a sentiment that really means, "I may change my mind later in our marriage if things become too difficult." Before my wife and I got married, we talked to the wife of the buddhist priest I had known most of my life. She gave us one advise. She said there will be times in our marriage the pasture will look greener on the other side of the fence. The fact is, most people who end up with a divorce just find that their new spouse also has faults. The key to love is to work through mutual problems and continue to love your spouse. Otherwise, the words "till death do us part" has no meaning. There are exceptions as with everything in life, but they should be the very last resort - not the first or the tenth.

I agree with you, c.i., many people don't take marriage vows seriously enough. Divorce is seen as an "easy out," when in reality it brings even greater emotional upheaval.

However, that said, in times past when divorce was less socially acceptable, many people stayed married who shouldn't have. And their lives, as well as the lives of their children, were permanently wrecked as a result.

Honestly, I don't know which was worse...making divorce unacceptable, or making it too easy.

Eva, When it's evident the marriage is bad for both spouses and their children, it's best to end the marriage. Before reaching that decision, the family needs to meet with professionals to see if divorce is the best option for all. Trying to self-evaluate emotionally charged situations is a bad idea.

Well, I've been through divorce myself, so I do understand what you're saying. In my case, the divorce was possibly not the best thing for my ex, but it was absolutely necessary for my own self-preservation. It was a good decision, as borne out through time. (Although it was certainly not a quick or easy decision in any sense.) I wish I'd had competent counsel at the time...it would have made things much clearer. I hope Djmac finds a professional he can trust to help him work through his situation.

Eva, Have you ever watched programs on Oprah where she finds professinals to help some people work out family problems? Seeking out the right professionals can make the difference.

Yes, I've worked with many family counselors and mental health professionals through the years, and I've seen the difference they can make.

Providing, of course, that one selects a GOOD counselor. One who is qualified, experienced, and with whom you have a good rapport.

Never be afraid to seek out another professional if you feel that you're not being helped, Djmac. There are lots out there.

Djmac,

First, let me welcome you to A2K and let you know that we are very happy to have you here. We are a great sounding board for a good many issues and hopefully some of our advice will be helpful to you.

As I understand in your post, you are very unhappy in your marriage right now for a lot of reasons. You've gone through a lot just recently being discharged from the Navy and it is a big adjustment getting your feet back on solid ground so to speak especially if your time in the Service meant that you were not with your wife full time during your marriage. You never really had the opportunity to live together as a couple if you were deployed or at sea for any length of time.

What does really concern me though is that your wife says she has a personality disorder and suffers from depression AND that she is physically abusive towards you. Is your wife being treated at all for the personality disorder and for the depression? In my opinion, all the marriage counseling in the world is not going to help unless ALL of the symptoms of the breakdown of the marriage are addressed and treated.

To me there is no reason or excuse in the world for physical abuse of someone who says they love you. Granted, it may be asymptomatic of your wife's personality disorder and depression and the way she was raised, but if she is NOT being treated and just using that as an excuse for her behaviour, it is completely intolerable and you should not have to live like that. If she will abuse YOU, how long will it be before she strikes out in anger at your SON if you are not around to take the blunt of her hostility? Abuse is usually a psychologically learned behaviour and even though she may know it is wrong, if she was abused or lived to see someone else abused, she may not be able to control it. She needs help. And much more than just marriage counseling.

Your wife is the one here who is walking a thin line as far as your son goes. Male or female, it seems to me that judges would be reluctant to grant custody to an abusive spouse or parent. Not being a legal eagle, I cannot say this for certain, but it seems the odds are more in your favor right now than your wife's.

As part of your wife's personality disorder, it appears that she is a bit paranoid, thus checking your email and everything else that you hold private and the fact that she will not allow you to have friendships outside of the marriage. No wonder you are miserable. And I truly feel for your situation.

I don't see a lack of commitment to your marriage here at all. I think if that were the case, you would have taken your son and ran the first time she raised a fist to you. (I would not have blamed you a bit!) But as you stated, being abused, especially by ones spouse can be a very embarrassing situation. No need for shame here, my friend, but I do think you should put a few measures in place for your own safety and that of your son.

If I were you, and I am not, so you can take this with a grain of salt, I would take my son and move out if you can. Next, I would look for some good counseling for yourself to help you understand what is happening in the dynamics of your family relationship. Thirdly, I would consult with a good family law attorney about your rights should you decide to proceed with divorce action.

All of these steps do not mean that you do not love your wife. I would try and talk with her about why you are taking the steps that you are. With the ball in her court, she may wake up to the reality that she cannot get away with abusing you in ANY way and seek some sort of treatment for herself.

In a case of abuse, I don't like the sound of the vows "till death do us part". I would much rather see you part and still be alive than not. I know that sounds extreme, but many times abusers who start off with just a bit of abuse, escalate to more extreme abuse. It empowers them and without help sometimes they don't know when they have done too much.

Look out for the safety of your son and yourself first and foremost. You deserve a rich and happy life. Not one living in sadness and fear.

Well,
My wife and I are separating tonight. I am all full of mixed emotions right now. It is crazy. In a way I am happy, but, in another I feel bad because I hurt her. She is crying and everything and it kills me. But, with that said. I have to admit, it feels good knowing that I am going to have some time alone to think. After her wanting to leave me a few times now that I am leaving she swears she knows what she wants and that it was her Personality disorder that causes her to want to leave me. I don't know. I know I love her, that isn't the problem. The problem is, I don't think that I am in love with her. It is really confusing right now, I just need the time to think.

It's hard to love someone who hurts you all the time, and then makes excuses for it. Tell her she needs to get help or you just can't be with her. It's like someone punching you in the face and you running right back into their fist for more. If you are really concerned about losing your son, start documenting all the crazy things she does. I'm serious. That way you will have the law on your side should she try and take your son. She has a mental disorder and if there is any threat to the well being of the child, you may very well be able to obtain full custody. I know you don't want to hear this but it is important to think about it.

Get yourself to a Family Law Lawyer--Quick.

Your primary concern is the best interests of your child. Inasmuch as you are separating, it now becomes a "race to the courthouse" for one of you to gain interim custody of the child.

In a situation such as this one, if you are separating from your wife but leave the child with her, you can't seriously argue that you believe the child would be better off with you. If you have legitimate concerns that her personality disorder/depression/paranoia/alleged acts of violence might be harmful to the child, then you need to take the child with you.

If you TRUST her to leave the child with her, then why shouldn't a court also trust to leave the child in her care while the divorce is pending? Any future allegations that the woman's problems constitute a threat to the child might be viewed as mere posturing and strategizing.

A family law attorney can help you to seek an emergency ex parte custody order on the grounds that your wife admittedly suffers from a personality disorder and depression; that she has engaged in domestic violence towards you; that she is paranoid and controlling and isolating (ie, making it impossible for you to have outside friendships and monitoring your email, etc.), and that she refuses to get professional assistance with her problems and that you are afraid for yourself and your child if required to remain in the home with her while her problems and her propensity towards violence remain untreated.

Generally, the parent who wins interim custody is most likely to win permanent custody when the dust settles and the divorce is final. Why? Because the parent with interim custody is building a history of continuity and stability with the child during the pendency of the divorce; and if the child is thriving under the interim custody order . . . why not make that custody arrangement permanent?

Get yourself to a lawyer now and take immediate steps to acquire interim custody. There is no time to celebrate the separation until you have safeguarded the best interests of your child.

I absolutely agree with you, Debra.

When it comes to separations and children, it's DEFINITELY time for the lawyers. These are very serious, life-changing matters, and he needs someone objective looking out for his best interest as well as that of his son.

Debra is RIGHT, Djmac. I know it sounds extreme, but it's NOT.

That is one thing that gets me, she has NEVER been abusive to our son. She is nothing but caring. That is why I am so aggrevated because I feel that she can be so caring and loving to him, but to me I will get slapped and remotes thrown at me.

She has sought counceling and is on some 4 different meds. she has been acting ok with regards to violence but the paranoia and non trust is still there and you can't have a marriage without trust. She says she is going to work on it, but when she tells me this I sometimes want her not to because I honestly don't know if I want to be back with her.

Her rage at you could turn to your son at any time. What happens when she is at the end of her rope one day, the boys been crying, throwing tantrums, spills food all over the carpet and she can't take it anymore? If she can be abusive to you, she can be abusive to your son. At least IMO.

You'd better see an attorney QUICKLY to protect your rights in case you EVER want to have joint custody, Djmac! Don't move out of the house until you have something in writing guaranteeing you ample time with your son! Otherwise, she can legally claim abandonment. You could lose him so easily right now!

Get on the phone and start calling attorneys NOW!