My wife doesn't think she feels the way a wife should for he

Hi there, Lost.

How old were you guys when you got married?

I was 30 and she was 26.

Re: My wife doesn't think she feels the way a wife should fo
Lost, my heart goes out to you, but here's a possibility: early onset of menopause. Menopause is a killer and can really leave a woman a bare husk of who she was before.

Hope things eventually smooth out for you guys.

I believe she is having a thyroid problem but wont see a doctor about it. I've researched this possibility and I have seen at least 6 signs of a thyroid problem in her. I wish I really knew what is going on.

Eeeeeyew, yes, thyroid in some ways could mimic meno. When you're perpetually exhausted, everything changes.

Again, my best for you guys' best!

Lost, I don't have a clue as to why your wife is reacting this way, but my first response would be to go see a doctor for whatever ails her/you. One thing we don't do before saying "I do" is a training course on all the possibilities we might face after a few years - like the seven year itch. There might be some good reasons (and bad ones) that a doctor might be able to suggest ways to overcome them. I think outside help is warranted.

Let me just ask you this Does the following letter she wrote me sound like she wants to end it -
Let me start with I do love you. I don't know why my life doesn't feel like it used to. I think it is a lot of things, which we have already discussed. I do not want to throw everything away - I want to be happy again. We have shared 11 years together and that means everything to me. I'm really going to try to figure out what is wrong with me and why I am not satisfied with the life I have. I need you to be patient and not act like everything has already ended. Please stop with the cards - I know how you feel, please stop smoking cigs and pacing all night and acting like final decisions have already been made. Nothing has been decided yet I just can't have you continue to act like you are, trying to make me feel guilty (angry crossed out) for the way I feel right now that's not helping. I still want to hug and kiss you hello, goodbye, goodnight but for now that's all I can handle. I'm not sure that having sex will fix thins right now it will just confuse me even more.
Please be patient, I'm trying to move foward. I knew how upset this would make us that's probably why I never said anything before now - actually you made me come to realize that I could not keep everything inside, I'm not sure that letting it all out has been good or bad, but time will tell. Let me speak with the doctor and work thru how I feel before you get involved. It is not easy for me to talk to anyone, but Im going to try. Lets try to be as normal as possible for now. I know that you can't forget what has been said in the past two days, but we need to leave it alone for now before things are said and done that we will both regret later. You are (were crossed out) the 1st real love I ever had, I do not intend on just giving up on us without at least trying to get back what we had. No matter what happens good or bad I (will crossed out) do (always crossed out) and will always love you. It is not something that I can just stop doing after all this time. Again please be patient and we will get thru this.
Love and her name.
Our marriage counselor recommended that we separate for the time being and we have. Let me tell you it really hurts not to be able to help my wife and she acts like everything is normal and avoids me every way possible. I'm just blown away and can't understand what is going on.

Get a second opinion.

Let me correct in what I said both her marriage counselor and my counselor recomeded that we separate. We will both be going to the counselor I've been seing on June 30th. The counselor that I'm seeing said my wife has a lot of issues that she needs to sort out, and the biggest problem is my wife is not the type of person who talks about what is bothering her even though I have always encouraged her to talk. I on the other hand talk about every little thing with her no matter what it is, believe it or not.

If two counselors came to the same interim solution for your problem, what's holding up the action?

Dearest Lost, it must be misery for you, this time of limbo. But if it's any comfort, her letter definitely does NOT sound like she wants to just dump everything. If she's the type of person who's very introverted (I have a friend just like that), she's probably "all tangled up inside" with the clutter from unresolved problems. You sound like an extravert; they usually resolve problems "on the outside."

BTW, just curious: how long did you guys know each other before you married?

Hang in there,

'Knowz

We dated for about one year lived together for another year then got married a year latter.

We are scheduled for couples therapy on June 30. Let me tell you it seems like forever.

Dear Lost,

Welcome to A2K. We're glad you are here.

Personally, I think the best thing you can give your wife right now is the gift of time. She sounds like she is struggling very hard to find some answers to make herself happy and feel whole again. From her letter, it does not sound as if she is giving up on you or your marriage at all.

I know you wish it were all resolved already and it sounds as if you are giving a good deal of yourself via cards and words to let her know how much she means to you. Let it be for awhile and don't try so hard. I know that is not easy to do....step back and let a loved one struggle with their own troubles. It's a natural instinct to want to help the one we love feel better and feel better as soon as possible.

Hopefully with the good advice of the counselor, she will be able to work through what is bothering her and it may not have anything to do with you at all! The fact that she still wants the kisses, tells me your support is invaluable to her, but I wouldn't pressure her for anything more until she is ready.

Racking your brain, not being able to sleep, up and pacing all night long does make her feel guilty, like she has to hurry and get things "fixed". There is no time limit, trust me and the best thing you can do for yourself is a bit of nurturing of your own soul and self, so that if and when the time comes that she is ready to once again open up to you and fully be the wife you love and adore, you will have the strength and fortitude to stand by her and welcome her back, well rested and clear in thought.

In other words, there is no sense in worrying ourselves to death about what MAY happen. Live in the here and now and take it one step at a time. Be as supportive of her as you can, listen and follow your counselors advice and begin each new day fresh with the hope that it will be better than the one before.

I wish you all the very best. You sound like a wonderful man and us wimmins sometimes can be a bit confusing. Stand beside her and keep the faith....

Lady J thank you so much for your incite into my situation. Just to let you know We have separated under the advice of two different counselor and my wife avoids contact with me now. But I will give her the space she needs as hard as it is and I have reinforced my statement to her that I will always be here for her if she needs me any time day or night. We have been through so much in the past four years my getting into a bad car accident going through physical therapy for two years and I still suffer from the spinal injury I received but it's gotten a lot better. We had six yes six dogs at one time we treated them like our children and loved them just the same. Then on August 1, 2004 two of them died in a traumatic way (two of the german shepherds tore up one dog, and the other got bloat because she ran around in a panic while no one was home). Then on March 26, 2005 the two german shepherds ripped the throat completely out of our little angel (a dog). She lied there in a pool of blood only for my wife to come home and find her in the mud covered in blood. I raced home (over 100mph) to get to my wife and help her. Our little angel was still alive and I've seen a lot of death in my job but nothing hits you like this until its someone you love. We took the two shepherds to the vet along with our little angel only to put them all down in one day . I think this has had a lot to do with everything thats going on but I don't know. I have had an ED problem from the accident and my wife was always supportive of this problem. I now find I have a testosterone issue of which I will be treated for. It all seems like everything is just falling apart, but I will try and continue to pray for us. Again I would like to thank everyone for your support and I let you all know how things go with the counselor on June 30th.

I tend to throw this advice around willy nilly when I read things like this but Id hate not to say it just incase.

Is your wife on the Pill?If she is, it could be that.

I was on a pill (Cileste)for 4 years and it depressed the hell out of me.
I was rude, irritable, and didnt feel human or as tho I exsisted for all that time, I felt like the whole world was against me and pushed away family members that love me.

She just went back on the pill. Her menstrual cycle is all messed up and the doctor put her back on the pill after being off it for about 5 years to see if it will regulate her cycle.

Yes we where attempting to have a child but I have a fertility issue that we where attempting to fix. But now who knows which way everything will go.

You never know. Maybe these problems came along at exactly the right time in your lives. It's a good thing that no children are having to weather the storms you're experiencing. And now is certainly not the time for the two of you to be planning a family!

BTW, my husband had low testosterone and we went through several years of infertility and two miscarriages, but eventually our wonderful, smart, good looking, healthy son was born. Just want you to know someone else has been there, and it's quite possible to fix the problem. I'd suggest waiting until you're in a stable relationship to deal with it, though.