Hi, I believe that I can help you. I studied this in college because I found it fascinating. Please understand it is not the experiences of sexual encounters with men or the confusion of it that I found fascination it is the resolve.
The resolve is that we live in a world that is labeled and the more we rally against these labels the more we are given. The only label that I believe that a human need placed on them, is that which is identifying. Such as a name, yet due to control and other misguided social constructs we consciously and subconsciously live in a world, self-guided by labels.
From just the information that you have provided, I do not believe that you are anything other than a heterosexual male. With only guessing, due to lack of information. I would have to say the lack of interest with your wife, probably stems more from guilt you have obtained from not understanding your own mind and body.
Below is my unprofessional opinion and I hope that it does provide you with the answers in which you seek.
I do not believe that you are anything less or more than a heterosexual man. I will give you the advice my professor gave to me many years ago and I still give to my clients, friends and family. It starts off with a question. And the answer is for you and it doesn’t matter to me what it is. Could you ever see yourself spending time with a man in a relationship? Kissing, hand holding, and living together? I am going to guess that the answer is no. Okay, there you go, you are not, gay or bi.-sexual. Because being gay or bi has nothing to do with gay sex. I dated a man who was 100% gay but hated the idea of Anal sex and would have no part of it! He was still gay, if your penis was shot off, would that make you no longer a heterosexual man? So, there is that.
About these desires, this tells me that you are a lot more open with yourself than you are giving yourself credit for. It took me twenty years to get there. We have to understand that sex is not about orgasms, it is about using our bodies to connect with another human. To be able to enjoy each other’s body and to do things to each other we would never do in public. I am not straight, so there are many things I have not done that straight men have. So, let me ask you, where you ever in a department store, in the mattress section and see an attractive female sales associate and did she come over to you and did you begin having sex with her? Although that would be a really cool role play, in real life no you didn’t. Now if this woman and yourself decided to have sex, you would go somewhere private with her. You would be touching her entire body, putting your fingers inside of her, touching and grabbing her breaste, putting you mouth on her breastes and your tounge inside of her vagina. You would want these woman to suck on your penis and tlaid naked and possibly pulling her hair and then sticking your penis inside of her many times until your orgasmed and possible orgased inside of her.In pubic, in a department store, in the mattress section, this would not be acceptable. Walking up to a stranger that you did not know and begining to have sex with her, would not be acceptable either. However, with both consent in private those rules all change. This is all acceptable behavior in the act of sexual relationships.
So just because we want something doesn’t mean it is wrong, it doesn’t mean that we are something that we are not. If a couple is having great sex, trust me, they are doing something different. Costume’s, role play, S/M, something or all it. And if we discover these desires about ourselves after we have gotten with this spouse. We are often very scared we will be judged or left or many other fears, if our spouse finds out. However, our minds and our subconscious are kind of have a sick sense of humor and the partner we picked is usually in to what we are. My partner was very excited when I mentioned the things, I discovered about myself I wanted to try and we had AMAZING sex after that. Doing things and experiencing things I didn’t think was possible.
It sounds to me that you have some unexplored fetishes and I would be very curious if you had anal sex with a woman dressed up as a man and a woman. I would also explore the type of transsexuals you are in to. Which maybe your fetish is trans, and that is okay. But maybe it is what they represent to you. I knew of a guy who had an abusive husband, so he worked it out by having a dominate relationship with is next partner. A lot cheaper and more fun than therapy!
So, if I understand correctly, you are still married and live with your wife. I would for one, find yourself a therapist. Not that there is anything wrong with you. Just a person who can be constant and help you to understand your desires and to help you have a set down conversation with your wife. See how she feels and see if she would be interested in dressing up for you OR she may be very interested in having a man for you and her to share. That could be hot as far as I am concerned.
I have seen many-many relationships with what some people might call weird. I say if they can make selves happy, it is no one else’s business than their own.
I hope this very wordy explanation was helpful and you got the answers that you were seeking.