I’ve had a very similar experience to you so perhaps I can shed some light. I’m your age and formerly married to a woman. We were together for many years and towards the end were sleeping in separate rooms. I still wanted sex from her but she’d long since lost all sexual interest in me.
I’m not the cheating type so I turned to online porn to cope with sexual frustration. Like you, I considered myself totally straight and had always been intensely attracted to very feminine looking and acting women. But even though I loved fingering and licking vaginas, I was never a big fan of vaginal intercourse. I always felt that it was just the final part of foreplay. The first 90 seconds or so was fine but after that my impulse was always to put it in her asshole.
Ever since my teens this has led to endless frustration as most women either aren’t into anal or don’t want to have it every time they have sex. I’ve had a couple of rare exceptions, girlfriends who were anal sex freaks, but for most women sex means vaginal sex. And once they made it clear they weren’t into anal, I lost my attraction to them.
Is this you? Did you always prefer anal sex to vaginal?
As I got older I expanded my sex life from anal sex with women, to sex with passable cross-dressers who acted like women, to sex with slim feminine gay men, to finally, the desire to be penetrated by tall, hung masculine men who are bigger than me. I’m yet to go through with this last step, but know I will if and when I can find a man I’m compatible with.
My sexual evolution was really just me slowly coming to terms with the fact that I’m an anally erotic bisexual man whose desire to be penetrated by masculine men has become even stronger than my desire to anally penetrate feminine women and TS/CDs. I may even go on to identify as gay once it’s all said and done, but I don’t think so. I’ve always found women sexually attractive and probably always will. I’m just not into vaginal intercourse.
You ask how it is that you can be intensely attracted to women yet mainly have sex with men. The answer is simple: despite what you say, you’re not straight. You’re in denial about who you really are the same way I was. I loved my wife even after the sex stopped for good but looking back, I wasn’t happy in a sexless relationship and neither are you.
As a husband and a father, you have a lot invested in your identity as a straight man. I’m guessing no one knows about your sexual activities with cross-dressers and you want to keep it that way. Your world would no doubt be turned upside down if all your friends, family and colleagues knew who you really were. I totally understand that and respect your right to keep your sexuality private.
But the bottom line is you are NOT HAPPY with your life. And your life, like mine, is already half over. Do you really want to waste the rest of it continuing to be unhappy and hiding who you are? Your marriage is a sham and the woman you live with ceased to be your wife years ago. If you didn’t have kids I’d advise you to get the hell out asap. Kids make it a lot more difficult. How old are they? If they’re old enough to deal with things, you should consider separating from your wife and letting them decide who they want to live with.
This new generation is very accepting of LGBT people, so even though it’ll be a shock, they’ll probably adjust to it pretty quick. And you are an LGBT person, make no mistake. Even if you don’t identify as one yet, you’re definitely not straight. Straight married men have affairs with women or start seeing prostitutes or watch pussy porn when their wives stop having sex with them. They don’t start having sex with men in wigs and make-up.
If your kids are still just little children, that might be harder. You might have to wait until they’re older and continue to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of not traumatizing them with a divorce while they’re at a vulnerable age. But sooner or later you’ll need to face reality, no matter how hard it is. It sounds like your wife is resigned to her loveless life (unless she’s also screwing around on you), and she’s comfortable with a nice house etc. so she’s probably not going to divorce you.
This means you’ll have to divorce her, but only after you get your finances in order and squirrel enough away in case she reacts badly and tries to screw you over. You don’t want to end up broke in a bed-sit at 50 when you should be planning your retirement.
You’re in much the same situation I was in before my wife and I ended things. Who you were when you married is no longer who you are. Embrace your sexuality and start living a real life instead of a poor facsimile of one.
Best of luck.